Selfless Choices
by Cordys-Vision
Summary: Abnegation contains my father…but abnegation also contains a fourteen year old blonde girl named Beatrice Prior who sparked a little light inside of me yesterday. I drag the knife along the inside of my palm and hold out my hand between the two bowls. Am I dauntless? Am I abnegation?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:**

**I just can't stop writing in the divergent world. It's an obsession. Welcome to my third story in the divergent universe. **

**I hope you like it, please leave reviews to let me know what you think. **

**Prologue**

**Tobias/Four**

I genuinely don't know what I'm going to do.

As I make the walk home from my aptitude test, my head is buzzing.

I have a huge decision to make and I'm not even sure I have the tools or intelligence to make it.

All I can think about right now is getting away from my father and for that I have to choose something other than abnegation.

_Anything_ other than abnegation.

Only, I don't know if I can do that…I don't know if I can make a decision that is not based on my father's wants or needs.

I never have before and if I'm being honest with myself, I am terrified of his reaction.

I'm always terrified of his reaction.

I kick a rock and watch it go skidding down the street.

If I had any type of a friend, I would be with them going over and over my decision but here…here I only have myself.

Myself and my father.

The thought makes me feel sick.

I lean a hand against the concrete wall of the alley and breathe in deeply.

I cannot go home like this.

If I do, Marcus will suspect something went wrong in my test and I can't let him think that.

The fall out would be worse than any before.

"Beatrice! It isn't that hard! All you had to do was give up your seat!"

I hear voices and I press myself flat against the wall. I don't want to be seen. Abnegation members have a loyalty to my father that is beyond anything I could ever comprehend.

If I am seen he will be aware of exactly where I am within minutes.

I don't want that to happen.

"Why? Why should I have to give up my seat? I needed it just as much as he did! I twisted my ankle on the way to the bus stop." The second voice is full of irritation and annoyance.

"_Beatrice_!" the first voice scolds. "You need to start thinking _selflessly_, I don't know how many other ways I can tell you that! You should've given up your seat because it was the right thing to do."

"No, it was the selfless thing to do and maybe I'm not selfless, Caleb!"

"_Beatrice." _ Caleb chastises again. I can see them at the other end of the alley now. Beatrice with her blonde hair pulled back into a perfect bun and Caleb, tall with dark hair and a hooked nose.

"Stop saying my name like that." Beatrice mumbles.

"I don't know how else to say it with the way that you're acting. What is the matter with you? In two years we're going to have to take our aptitude tests. Don't you want to get an abnegation result? Don't you want to stay with mom and dad?"

"Of course I want to—"

"You don't show it, Beatrice." He pauses and takes a deep breath.

"'I will be my undoing, if I become my obsession….'" Caleb starts reciting the abnegation manifesto.

I know it well and so does Caleb it seems

"I will forget the ones I love if I do not serve them—"

Beatrice cuts him off with a loud sigh.

"Therefore I choose to turn away from my reflection, to rely not on myself but on my brothers and sisters to project always outward until I disappear. Yeah, yeah. I know it too."

"Well maybe I should leave you alone for awhile so you can contemplate it a little harder."

Caleb turns and starts down the opposite direction.

"Caleb! Wait!" Beatrice cries after him but he is already too far away to hear her.

She leans her head against the wall and takes a deep breath. Her shoulders slump automatically and it's like I watch all the fight go out of her.

She looks sad and as an Abnegation member I know I should go over there and try my best to comfort her or offer myself to her in some way but I don't know how to talk to people in general.

I don't know how to talk to girls even more.

She turns her head my way and after a moment or two she squints her eyes and then peels herself off the wall.

"What are you doing?" her eyes are directly on me and I forget for a moment that I am in plain view.

"Who, me?" I say blowing out a shaky breath. I don't want to have to explain to her who I am, and even more so I don't want her to notice.

I keep my eyes trained on the ground in front of me.

"Yes, you."

"Uh…" I shrug a little bit.

"Were you listening to that entire conversation?"

"Not by choice. You guys were kind of loud."

She stares at me for a moment and something about her eyes remind me of my Dad's colleague.

"Are you…are you Andrew Prior's daughter?" I know the answer to the question before I ask it.

Her face is too familiar for me to forget.

"No." She says it so quickly that I know it's a lie.

"Did you just…did you just lie to me?" I tilt my head a little bit watching her. It isn't like lying is technically against the rules or anything, we aren't candor but at the same time lying is a characteristic that most abnegation don't have.

Lying is selfish.

Her cheeks turn a bright red color.

"What does it matter to you whose daughter I am?"

"I guess it doesn't."

I get it. I don't want to tell her whose son I am either.

She frowns a little and then crosses her arms over her chest.

"What are you doing back here?" she asks curiously and I shrug my shoulders.

"I needed some time alone. No one usually comes this way so I just thought…"

"How old are you?" She asks.

"Sixteen."

She does the math in her head quickly and then her eyes widen.

"So how'd your test go?"

I barely know this girl but something about her makes me want to tell her everything.

I just know that I can't.

"Fine."

She raises her eyebrows.

"You don't look fine."

She's far too intuitive for her own good.

"I got the result that I knew I'd get. Everything is fine."

She nods a little and looks as if she's going to leave, but then thinks the better of it.

"You have a choice, I think. Regardless of what your test says."

I smile a little and then let out a sigh.

"Or that's what they want you to think. No one really has a choice, Beatrice."

She watches me for a moment and then diverts her eyes to the ground.

"Please don't tell anyone what you heard. Please." I watch as a strand of hair comes loose from her bun and then I pull my eyes to hers.

"Sure. If you can promise not to tell anyone you saw me here."

She nods a little bit.

"It's a deal."

I reach out a hand and pull the tiny strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'll see you later, Beatrice." I turn to go, but she calls after me.

"Hey! You know my name; don't I get to know yours?"

I shake my head a tiny amount.

"Maybe some other time." I smile just a little and then continue my way down the alley and home with a strange buzz in my chest that I can't really explain.

**Choosing Day**

My Father nods at me and I know exactly what he is expecting from me, exactly what he wants.

I stare at the bowls in front of me and I am just as confused as I was yesterday.

Picking abnegation feels like a noose around my neck but what other faction is there for me?

Amity?

I'd feel just as stifled.

Candor?

I need the ability to lie.

Erudite?

The initiation test is too intimidating.

Dauntless?

Dauntless is a possibility.

My eyes dart between the two bowls.

The lit coals and grey stones.

I feel like I can't breathe.

Abnegation contains my father…but abnegation also contains a fourteen year old blonde girl named Beatrice Prior who sparked a little light inside of me yesterday.

I drag the knife along the inside of my palm and hold out my hand between the two bowls.

Am I dauntless? Am I abnegation?

Before I even have time to make a real choice, my blood rolls over my palm and onto the calming grey stones.

I hear the polite clapping from the abnegation and know that my choice has been made.

I am abnegation.

I am going to be haunted by my father for the rest of my life.

I turn towards my chosen faction and see my father, smiling. Of course he is smiling, everything is going according to plan and then my eyes fall on a flash of blonde hair.

She is clapping politely with her brother and parents beside her.

Maybe abnegation doesn't have to be a noose.

Maybe…just maybe something good could come from this.

**Dinner**

I sit at the kitchen table, my eyes fixed on the wood as Marcus talks to me.

"I want you to know that I'm proud of you." He touches my shoulder and squeezes just a little too hard.

"You're a man now, Tobias and I'm going to treat you as such."

I look up a little at his words.

Does this mean he's done hitting me because he doesn't think I'm selfless enough?

"I'm hard on you, Tobias because I want you to be the best person you can be."

Sure.

The best person I can be apparently needs to have a black eye.

"I've arranged it so that your community service can be with me, in my office."

My mouth immediately goes dry.

The initiation for abnegation is simply thirty days of community service and then a shared meal.

I thought, at the very least for thirty days I would have to be _away_ from my father.

Clearly, I was wrong.

"…With you?" I say my voice sounding hoarse. "…Everyday?"

"Yes, Tobias. I'd like to teach you everything I know so that one day…you can follow in my footsteps."

It is clear to me now that I should have picked dauntless.

I can't do this.

I cannot do this for one more day.

I stand up abruptly and Marcus raises his eyebrows at me.

He doesn't have to ask me what I'm doing for me to know that I have to answer him.

"I…I'm just going to go up to my room. I don't want to disturb your work dinner."

"Tobias…" He says softly. "You're a man now and you need to start acting as such. My work dinner tonight…it isn't here and you're going to come with me."

Shock does not even begin to explain how I'm feeling.

Marcus never wanted anyone to know I existed.

Going to a work dinner would shatter everything he'd built.

"I'm going with you?"

"Yes."

I slowly lower myself back down to my seat.

"Where is it?"

"Andrew Prior's house. You might know his children, Beatrice and Caleb Prior."

_Beatrice. _

"No, I've never met them."

This is one thing that I can keep to myself.

One thing that Marcus won't touch.

The way that Beatrice makes me feel.

"We'll leave within the hour." He says simply and then he disappears up the stairs and into his room, leaving me buzzing and slightly confused.

**Andrew Prior's House**

There aren't too many differences when it comes to abnegation houses so when we enter Andrew Prior's house it's like entering my own.

His wife, Natalie meets us at the door and ushers us in gracefully.

She asks first if we'd like anything to drink, to which we both reply no and then she leads us to the dining room.

Beatrice is setting the table, her hair pulled into that perfect bun again. She looks up at me when we enter the room but she averts her eyes so quickly that I'm not even really sure that it happened.

"Beatrice, you know Marcus, and this is his son, Tobias."

She looks up at us again and then nods just a little bit.

"Hello."

Her brother enters the room amount later holding bowls of food to place on the table and Natalie introduces him the same way.

I can't follow anything that Marcus and Andrew say to each other after dinner. It's all work talk and I dread having to follow Marcus into the office every day.

Before I know it the plates are being cleared away and Beatrice and Caleb are heading into the kitchen for dishes duty.

I touch Caleb's shoulder on his way into the kitchen.

"Let me…you all have already done so much."

Caleb shakes his head. "No, No, I couldn't. You're a guest."

Classic Abnegation.

This could go on forever with me insisting and him denying.

"Please." I insist. "I need some time to reflect after dinner and dishes always help me do that."

Caleb nods instantly.

"Of course."

This way, Caleb is selflessly giving up dishes duty for me.

I follow Beatrice into the kitchen and she avoids my eyes as hard as she can as she scrubs the dishes and then hands them for me to dry.

"So…" She says quietly. "You chose abnegation. Was that your test result?"

I glance behind me quickly just to make sure my father and Andrew are still pre-occupied.

Their voices are still carrying into the kitchen.

"Yes." I say as I drag a towel across a plate.

"So you made the right choice then." She says quietly.

"My test was controlled." I say, biting down hard on my lip.

She drops a plate into the sink.

"What?" She looks up at me like she doesn't believe my words.

"I just mean…I don't know if I made the right decision."

She picks up the plate she dropped and starts washing it again.

"Why are you so worried?" I ask curiously.

"What makes you think I'm worried?" She presses.

I shrug.

"You're scrubbing that plate like it's done something terrible to you."

She lets out a sigh but doesn't respond.

"You have two years before you have to worry about it."

She stops washing in favor of looking at me.

"You heard that conversation with my brother. You know why I'm worried. I'm not even close to being a true abnegation member and I don't want to have to leave my family."

How strange, I think to have a family that you never want to leave.

"Maybe I could help you."

"Help me be better at selflessness? I doubt it, Caleb's been trying for years."

"Yeah…" I ring out the towel. "…but he's your brother. Condescension is part of the game. It won't be like that with me."

She looks up at me for a moment.

"I don't know. We might have to spend a lot of time together. It could be considered inappropriate."

It's true.

A male and a female that aren't family shouldn't be spending significant amounts of time together, especially since I am now considered an adult and Beatrice is still only fourteen.

"Yeah. It would be inappropriate. Unless we were courting." She drops another plate into the sink and it makes a loud clattering sound.

"Beatrice?" Natalie calls from the kitchen. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, mom. Fine!" She calls back.

She looks up at me, her cheeks burning red.

"Courting? You want to court me?"

I shrug a little.

"Well, I mean. Not now. When you're older, maybe. After your choosing ceremony."

She stares at me for a moment and then hands me the last dish to dry.

I dry it perfectly and then towards her waiting for some sort of response.

"What makes you think that I'll choose abnegation?" she asks.

I shrug my shoulders.

"I guess, I'm just hoping."

"Beatrice?" Caleb pokes his head into the kitchen.

"Mom wants us in the living room." She nods a little as Caleb disappears into the other room.

She looks up at me.

"I'll accept your help." She says quietly and then disappears into the other room with Caleb.


	2. Chapter 2

**Three Weeks Later**

**Tobias/Four **

The dark black and blue bruise surrounding my eye is incredibly noticeable and I don't know how I am going to explain it to Beatrice.

I meet her every day when she's done with school in the same alleyway where we'd met. I try to teach her the origin of abnegation and why it actually isn't a terrible faction. Generally, if you know the root of something it's easier to abide by its laws.

I have always thought abnegation was great as a faction. I just didn't particularly like everyone in it.

Choosing the alleyway for a place to meet had been easy.

No one could report it to my father or report us for being too 'inappropriate' if no one could see us.

Only now I am not worried about the other abnegation members seeing me.

I am worried about Beatrice seeing me.

I press a few fingers into the deep purple bruise and let out a sigh. This wouldn't disappear for days and I couldn't avoid her for that long.

I'd been surprised when Marcus took out his anger on me _again_ but really, what had I been expecting? He'd been doing this to me my entire life, why should he stop just because I'd chosen abnegation?

I don't even really remember what he was angry about this time.

All I remember is what it felt like when his fist collided with my face.

_You're a man now, Tobias! You need to make better decisions!_

His voice is still ringing in my brain.

He'd left for work hours ago forbidding me from there for a week. He doesn't want anyone to see me while my face heals which also means I'm going to have to make up a week of community service before I am considered a true abnegation member.

Lucky me.

My eyes shift to the clock and I realize Beatrice will be done with school soon.

I debate for a moment whether or not I should even show up but I don't want her wandering over to my house to find out why I had decided not to come so I take a deep breath, swallow my pride and walk out the door.

I keep my head down as I walk to our meeting place and try not to engage anybody in eye contact or conversation.

Marcus would find out about it inevitably and he didn't want anyone see the new addition to my face.

When I finally make it to the alleyway I lean against the concrete wall and wait.

I hear her before I see her.

Her feet make a shuffling sound when she walks. I look up just a little and watch her as she makes her way to me from the other side of the alley.

Her grey clothing is too big for her and her t-shirt keeps slipping off her shoulders but she doesn't seem to care as she moves towards me.

The more I spend time with Beatrice, the more I start to think abnegation just…isn't where she belongs.

She has a flickering flame inside of her that is just begging to become a full-fledged fire but it keeps getting stifled here.

Because of that, I think she would excel in Dauntless and if not Dauntless, Erudite. She's textbook smart too; she just doesn't always know it.

I keep my eyes down and try to avoid looking directly at her.

"Hey…" she says sounding slightly out of breath as she puts her school bag down.

"Sorry, I'm a little late I didn't—" she stops mid-sentence and I know she's seen it regardless of where I'm focusing my gaze.

"It's okay…we can just get started. Is there anything in particular you want to go over or—"

"Are you seriously not going to tell me what happened to your face?"

I stare at her for a moment feeling my heart beating loudly in my chest.

"…There's something wrong with my face?" I decide to go the clueless route though I know she's smarter than that.

"Tobias, what happened?"

I lift my shoulders in a little shrug.

"A book fell from my shelf right onto my face. I didn't have time to move out of the way—"

"You're lying. Why?"

She's so damn perceptive that it's almost impossible to be around her sometimes.

"Beatrice, I'm begging you. Please, _please_, let it go. In the grand scheme of things what happened to my face doesn't really matter."

"It does matter! You look like you got beaten up by a boxer!"

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"A boxer? Did you just go over that chapter in history?"

"Stop skirting around the subject. What happened? The truth this time, please."

I run a hand through my hair and let out a long sigh.

I don't know how to tell her what happened.

I've never told anybody.

I've never had to.

Maybe it is better that I'm not close with anybody. I never have to have this conversation.

"Can I have this one secret? Please?"

She stares at me for a moment and for the tiniest second I think she might let it go but then her eyes flash in determination and I realize she will never let it go, especially not this easily.

She crosses her arms over her chest.

"Beatrice, Please." I sigh.

"I'm sorry; I can't just let something like this go. Your face is purple."

I watch her for a moment her T-shirt is still slipping down over her shoulders. I want to reach over and fix it but the abnegation in me is keeping me from doing that.

"I just….I got into a fight with my dad."

She stares up at me, her eyes moving over the bruise and then shakes her head slowly.

"You got into a fight or he hit you?"

I bite down on the inside of my cheek, I can't say anything else.

I just can't.

"Tobias, talk to me."

"I…" I close my eyes. "What do you want me to say to you? This…" I wave my hand over my eye. "…it happens sometimes. I deal with it, I've _been_ dealing with it. It's fine. You knowing or not knowing about it isn't going to change anything."

"So he did, then? Your dad did this to you?"

I nod a little.

She blows out a breath.

"…Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe because he hates me." I look at the ground and kick a rock with my shoe.

"He says he's trying to make me better. Maybe he is. I don't know."

"I don't see how hitting you is going to make you better."

I shrug my shoulders again.

"Why did you choose abnegation? You could've gone anywhere to avoid this…" She reaches a hand out to touch my bruise and then lowers it, thinking better of it.

"I was going to choose dauntless…I think." I swallow a little. "That's where my thoughts were at least. It was the only other faction I thought I could survive in but…I don't know."

"Yes you do. What made you choose abnegation?"

"I was…really afraid of his reaction." I feel so useless admitting that. I am so controlled by Marcus Eaton that it's almost embarrassing.

"No…there's something else. Another reason. What is it?" She presses.

I look up at her.

"The day of my test I met a blonde girl named Beatrice. She was in abnegation."

She stares at me for a long moment and then she takes a tiny step towards me.

"You chose abnegation because of me?" Her voice is so small when she speaks.

"Not…_just_ because of you but…sort of…yeah."

We are so close now that any abnegation member would be appalled. I can see every blemish in her face, every eyelash. With her being so close I can see tiny droplets of water clinging to her lashes like she wants to cry but is holding back.

She reaches a shaky hand out and runs her fingers over my bruise. Her fingers are cool and it actually feels nice.

I close my eyes to her touch.

"You should've chosen dauntless…" she whispers.

I open my eyes slowly.

"What?"

"You should've chosen dauntless. This isn't worth it. _I'm_ not worth it."

I blow out a sigh.

"It's not really up to you to decide if you're worth it to me or not."

She pulls her hand away, sighing.

"Maybe if you'd chosen dauntless you could've learned to defend yourself at the very least."

This is why Beatrice is so interesting to me. Her mind goes places that mine wouldn't even dream of going.

Fighting back? I could fight back?

The wheels are already turning in my brain but I save my ideas for myself.

"I'll be alright. I've survived this long." I nod a little.

"We should tell someone. My father…he would do something. The other abnegation leaders—"

"No! Beatrice, we absolutely cannot do that! Do you understand?" I grab her shoulders and she stares up at me with wide eyes.

"You don't understand my father the way that I do. He controls the other leaders, he has everyone under his thumb. Your dad included. If we tell…" I shake my head.

"No one will believe me, and it'll only get worse."

"They'll believe you if you have that bruise on your face, Tobias!"

"No! Marcus will find a way to twist it around and make it seem like I'm lying or like it was my fault. We can't tell, Beatrice. We CAN'T!"

"But—"

"No! End of discussion!" I squeeze her shoulders, probably a little bit too hard and she winces.

"_Okay_." She whispers.

I let my hands fall away from her shoulders.

She sniffles and I realize that I've never yelled at her before. I probably hurt her feelings.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly. "I just…it's really important that we don't say anything. Okay? I promise I'll figure something out."

She looks up at me for a moment and then nods.

"Okay, but if you don't figure something out and soon, I'm going to tell."

I nod a little.

"Fair enough." I reach out and pull the shoulder of her t-shirt up.

She smiles up at me for a moment and I have to resist the urge to touch more than just her shoulder.

My hand lingers there for a moment even though her shirt is perfectly in place now.

"Beatrice!"

The call comes from the other side of the alleyway. I turn quickly and see Caleb standing at the entryway, staring at us with wide eyes.

"Caleb!" Beatrice squeaks.

I realize that my hand is still on her shoulder and drop it quickly. Caleb stares at us in disappointment and then turns to leave the alley.

"Caleb wait!" Beatrice runs after him and I run after her hardly able to breathe. If Caleb tells his parents not only will Beatrice be in trouble and probably forbidden to see me again but Andrew will almost definitely tell my father and the thought makes me cringe.

When we finally catch up to Caleb, Beatrice tugs on his arm and he stops walking in favor of looking at her.

"Caleb, please. Can this be one of our secrets?"

Beatrice told me that in the past, Caleb was rather good at keeping her secrets but this one might prove too difficult for Caleb to hold in.

He looks between the two of us and sighs.

"We weren't doing anything against the rules. Honest." Beatrice pleads with him. She takes his hand and squeezes it.

"Tobias is just helping me be more selfless. That's it."

Caleb looks up at me and I nod to enforce Beatrice's words.

"He was touching your shoulder like…like…like a boyfriend!"

Beatrice exchanges a glance with me and I clear my throat awkwardly.

"That was inappropriate, but I do hope to court your sister. One day. After her test, if she chooses abnegation."

Beatrice's cheeks flush bright red.

Caleb raises an eyebrow at me.

"Great. You still shouldn't be touching her like that. You shouldn't even be alone with her."

I nod my head.

"You're right. I know better. I apologize. Can we keep this between us? I won't see her again until it's proper. I promise."

Caleb looks at Beatrice and then shakes his head.

"Alright. I'll keep it a secret. Just this once."

"Oh Caleb!" Beatrice breathes and then throws her arms around his neck.

He pushes her away rather quickly and then starts back his walk home and Beatrice and I watch his retreating back.

"He's such a brat sometimes." She says smoothing out her T-shirt.

Once I realize we're in plain sight again, I tilt my head downwards.

Beatrice looks up at me with a puzzled expression.

"What?"

"Nothing…I just…I don't want anyone to see me."

"Oh…" she says quietly. "You didn't mean that, right? That stuff you said about not seeing me again until it's proper?"

I shrug a little.

"We'll just have to be more careful. I don't want to be away from you, Beatrice."

She smiles a little.

"I don't want to be away from you either."

"I have to go. I'll meet you tomorrow. Same place and then we'll find somewhere else to go that we won't run into your brother, alright?"

She nods a little and then starts to turn to follow Caleb's path but she turns back around at the last moment.

"Tobias?"

I look up at her.

"I liked you touching my shoulder."

My cheeks burn bright red and a hot raging lava is sitting in my chest. I feel things about her that no self respecting abnegation man should feel but yet, there it is. Sitting in my chest like hot lava.

"You shouldn't." I say softly.

"I know." She grins a little. "But I did…" Then she turns and walks down the path.

Yup.

Beatrice.

She'd definitely excel in Dauntless.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **

**First things first, I apologize! In the last chapter it said "Six Months Later." What it was SUPPOSED to say was "Three Weeks Later." I changed the time span in my head, but forgot to change it on paper. Oops. Anyways, I have changed it now just in case and you should know that that is the time span. **

**A couple things you should know for this chapter. I changed a couple things for flow. **

**Christina, Will , Uriah, Marlene and Al are all initiates for Dauntless this year. Meaning that I have aged them all by two years. **

**Zeke and Shauna are a year and a half older than them. **

**Eric and Lauren are two years older than Zeke and Shauna. **

**Okay, read on! Thanks as always!**

**Beatrice**

Caleb doesn't look at me all throughout dinner and I can tell that he's still angry with me.

Angry and disappointed.

I know I should care more but my shoulder still feels warm from where Tobias had touched it earlier and that simple fact makes it easier to not care so much about Caleb's opinion.

It makes it easier…but it doesn't make it better necessarily.

I hate fighting with Caleb.

Mostly because we don't really fight.

Abnegation kids never really do. Instead, it always turns into a sort of cold war until someone apologizes.

It's usually me and tonight I feel, is going to be no different.

It's his night to do dishes so I volunteer in his place hoping it will make him just a_ little_ less mad at me, even though he never really accepts that kind of generosity.

Caleb is the king of being selfless.

The quintessential perfect abnegation child.

Today however, he accepts with no qualms.

Maybe he is letting me make it up to him somehow.

I clear the plates and move into the kitchen and let myself fall into the familiar routine.

Dishes are a sort of calming chore. It gives me time to gather my thoughts, to breathe, to think.

It isn't until I hear my father's stern voice call me into the living room that I realize Caleb wasn't accepting my apology by letting me have his dish duty.

He just wanted alone time with my parents.

Why had I fallen for that so easily?

By the sound of my dad's voice I can already tell that Caleb sold me out.

I let out a sigh and then enter the living room with my head down.

Caleb is sitting opposite my father, while my mother stands close to the wall.

For about a whole minute I wish that I could hit him. Then I remember that that is what Tobias' father does to him and I hate myself for even thinking it.

"Beatrice, have a seat." My father says quietly and I obey.

"Where were you today after school?"

I can't lie to my father.

I never really have before, but I can skirt around it.

"I was helping a friend." I say quietly.

"What friend would that be?"

I lift my head a little to look at him.

"Tobias Eaton."

"And were you alone together?"

I lift my eyes to look at Caleb.

It is selfish to hate, but I hate him right now regardless.

"Yes, but I was just helping him…or rather he was helping me."

"Helping you do what?" It's the first time that my mother speaks and her voice sounds confused.

"Be a better person…" I mumble.

The room is full of tension and I feel like I can't breathe.

"Beatrice, you know the rules."

"I do, but we weren't breaking any of them! I mean…apart from being alone together but he's never been anything but a perfect gentlemen and it isn't…it isn't even about that."

"Beatrice," My mother sighs. "Sweetheart, you know how this is supposed to work. We talked about this."

Yes, I do know.

I do know that if a boy shows interest in me I'm supposed to invite him over for dinner where we then have several more awkward dinners with our parents where he avoids eye contact with me until one day he finally asks me to court and even _then_ he barely looks at me without supervision.

Then we get married.

I know the drill.

I've seen Caleb already start it up with Susan already.

I just don't like that ridiculous scenario anymore than the next born-into-abnegation kid.

"Yes, I know but couldn't we just be friends?"

"You're fourteen. It's inappropriate." My father says quickly.

"Caleb is ten months older than me and you let him be friends with Susan."

Caleb lifts his eyes to look at me and then shakes his head.

"I'm not hiding in alleyways and letting Susan caress my shoulder though, am I?"

He makes it sound so much worse than it actually is but I already know that I've lost this battle.

"Beatrice," My mother says softly and then she moves in front of me, kneeling.

"We can re-visit this all again in two years when you're ready."

"So we just…can't be friends?"

"Not if he's shown an interest in you." I can tell that my mom feels bad but she won't go against the rules, especially under the stern eye of my father.

My heart squeezes painfully.

It's like all the air goes out of me at the thought of not seeing him every day.

I can't do that and I know that without even having to try.

My eyes fill with tears before I can stop them.

This isn't fair.

"I can't stay away from him. I won't."

"Excuse me?" Dad says his eyes flashing anger.

I have never challenged him on anything but I can't obey him this time.

I can't.

"I just…I can't do that and I don't want to have to lie to you about it."

He stands up and exchanges a glance with my mother.

"This isn't as bad as you think it is. Honest!" I plead.

"Beatrice, this isn't a debate. You're going to stop seeing him."

I shake my head.

"He wants to court me! This isn't just…him being reckless he wants to…" I trail off, realizing that nothing I say is going to get me out of this.

"Beatrice, we can re visit it when it's time for you to court." My mother says quietly.

Dad starts walking over to his coat and Caleb quickly disappears up the stairs like the rat he is.

I watch my father as he puts his arms through the sleeves of his jacket.

"Where are you going?" I ask quietly.

I know I'm not supposed to ask questions but I can't help it.

He looks at me a tired expression on his face and then he lets out a small sigh.

"I'm going to go speak with Marcus."

My stomach drops as an awful swooping sensation fills me.

No.

Forbidding me to see him is one thing, telling Marcus Eaton about what Caleb had seen in the alleyway is an entirely different thing.

I stand up abruptly.

"You can't do that."

"Why not?" My father presses.

"You just can't."

My hands are shaking.

I can't let him tell Marcus.

I cannot be the reason that Marcus decides to decorate Tobias' face again.

"Please Dad. _Please."_

"What has you so upset Beatrice? It can't be just because of this, there's something else." My mother says.

She is intuitive, just like me.

"Beatrice, is there something you're not telling me?" My father asks.

I bite down hard on my lip.

I know that I can't stop my father from telling Marcus, regardless of what I say and I know it will just be worse for Tobias if I say anything at all.

I shake my head slowly.

"No. There's nothing."

My voice breaks on the last word.

"Beatrice, Marcus is a good man. He'll understand that Tobias made a mistake but he needs to know about it."

I close my eyes and try to breathe through the building guilt in my stomach.

"I'll be back soon." My father says more to my mother than to me and he is out the door.

**Tobias/Four**

When there's a knock on the door after dinner, I already know that Caleb told.

I never really thought he wouldn't.

Caleb doesn't seem like the type of person to let things like that go.

To be fair, I shouldn't have touched Beatrice the way that I did but when I'm around her it's impossible to follow the rules.

All I can be with her is impulsive.

Marcus sends me up the stairs and I go without complaint but I stay on the landing, pressed against the wall so that I can listen.

I listen as Marcus invites Andrew in and politely asks if he'd like anything to drink.

They sit at the kitchen table and politely talk work for awhile but the conversation shifts quickly.

"I'd like to talk to you about something involving your son and my daughter." Andrew says and that gets Marcus' attention.

"Oh?"

I can't see them but I can practically feel Marcus' fists clench.

"Yes. It would seem that he's been seeing my daughter…privately."

"Just the two of them?" Marcus asks and his voice is a deadly tone.

"Yes, I'm sure you agree that it is inappropriate."

"Oh…absolutely." Marcus agrees.

"Beatrice is still very young. She makes impulsive decisions sometimes. It happens to those who haven't had the chance to take the aptitude test but—"

"Tobias should know better."

Andrew lets out a tiny sigh to show that he agrees.

"Thank you for telling me, Andrew. I will resolve this immediately."

I hear shuffling around and I realize that he is walking Andrew out.

"Marcus?" I hear Andrew say and I strain just a little to hear clearer.

"I'm not opposed to Tobias courting Beatrice in two years. I think they'd make a great match, just not now."

My heart fills with warmth without warning.

Andrew thinks we'd make a great match.

_Beatrice's father_ thinks we'd make a great match.

That is something.

"I don't think Tobias will have much time for courting in the near future. I'm going to have to come up with something to keep him busy if he keeps breaking the rules like this."

"Don't be too hard on him. He's young too, I always thought sixteen was a strange age to decide what you want for the rest of your life."

"Have a good night, Andrew."

Marcus' voice is soft, but I hear the danger in it.

I hear the door click shut and I move towards my bedroom with slow legs.

You'd think I'd know how to prepare myself for what is coming as I've had years of practice, but I don't.

I lay myself down on my bed and listen to my heart beating against my rib cage as I wait for Marcus.

The door gets wrenched open seconds later and I sit up instantly and look at Marcus standing in my doorway.

"What do you think it is that you're doing with Beatrice Prior?"

My heart is beating so fast that I'm almost positive he can hear it.

"Nothing." I say instantly, hating the way my voice wavers.

"Don't lie to me." He says narrowing his eyes at me.

"Nothing. I like her…I...want to court her. I think."

"You _think?"_

I nod a little.

I don't know what to say right now other than the truth.

A lie won't get me out of the inevitable pain.

"You think it's appropriate to be alone with a fourteen year old girl who might not even _be_ in this faction in two years?"

"I don't…um…" I close my eyes tightly.

"Tobias, I've been _trying_ and _trying _to teach you how to be a man and you keep making these ridiculous selfish decisions. I thought you'd finally grown up when you chose abnegation but I see now that I still have to hold your hand and walk you through everything."

His words wash over me like cold water.

I hate that he can make me feel this way.

I hate it.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly. "It won't happen again. I'll stay away from her."

"I know it won't happen again. I'm going to make sure of that."

I watch as he slings his belt out of the loops.

I've watched him do it so many times but it still makes shivers roll down my back.

I turn around slowly so that my back is exposed.

I accept my fate easily.

It's always easiest if I don't fight it.

When the belt makes contact with my skin.

I close my eyes and hear Beatrice's voice in my head.

_"Maybe if you'd chosen dauntless you could've learned to defend yourself at the very least."_

That's it.

That's the solution.

I have to learn to be dauntless even inside of abnegation and to do_ that_ I need to get into the dauntless compound.

Even as the belt makes contact over and over again with the skin of my back, all I can think about is how many times I've seen the dauntless board the trains.

That is what is getting my through this particular belt session.

_That's _my way in.

I will get in.

I have to because I can't do this anymore.

Marcus' belt connects with my back over and over again and it's a feeling that I know well but something happens that usually doesn't.

I gain strength from it and the strength glows in my chest the same way that it does when Beatrice smiles, or laughs, or speaks.

I will fix this.

I have to.

…

It's very late and it's raining, hard.

I lie on my stomach, listening to the rain hit my bedroom window.

Lying on my back is not an option right now, which is the only way I can sleep.

Marcus had gone to bed hours ago and I can hear him snoring all the way down the hall.

I have a plan.

I just need more strength than I currently have to implement it.

I reach underneath my bed and pull out a map that I'm not supposed to have.

It's a faction map that belongs to my father.

It shows every faction and exactly how to get there.

Faction leaders need that kind of thing.

I let my eyes scan the map for a long while and then I slowly pull myself out of bed.

I try to stay incredibly quiet as I move down the stairs.

If Marcus wakes up my entire plan will be ruined.

When I'm finally out the front door I pause to breathe a sigh of relief, but I don't wait too long before I head off to the hub.

I can find my way to dauntless easiest from there.

The rain has let up a considerable amount and I am grateful.

When I finally get there it seems so different than it had on choosing day. It had been intimidating then, now it's just a beacon.

This is different type of choosing day for me.

I find my way to the train more easily than I thought I would.

I am not particularly surprised when it doesn't stop.

I have watched the dauntless jump on and off the trains for years.

I start running, my legs pumping faster than they ever have or have ever had to but a desire to be able to defend myself is pushing me.

Once I catch up to an entryway I reach and grab on, banging my knee on the side as I do.

I ignore the screaming pain in my knee and pull myself onto the moving train.

"What the hell is a stiff doing on this train?"

My blood freezes.

I genuinely didn't think anybody would be on the train this late.

I turn around slowly and realize that there are seven other people on this train, four boys and three girls, all dressed in dauntless black.

My heart is beating in my throat.

"Is this some sort of weird initiation thing?" A girl in the corner asks. "Are we supposed to kick him off or something?"

One of the boys shakes his head.

"No. This is your night off from initiation remember?"

As I look around I realize that I'd crashed a bit of a party. There are alcohol bottles strewn around and the way the girl in the corner is wrapped around one of the boys I can tell that this isn't any sort of official business.

Or maybe this is just dauntless.

"State your purpose." One of the girls says and then cracks up laughing.

I think this is the effect of alcohol, though I wouldn't really know.

"I…" My words disappear in my throat.

I don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing.

This had been stupid.

So stupid.

"What, get tired of playing good boy all the time?" One of the boys press.

I don't know what to say, so I just go with it.

"Yes."

"Oooh…interesting." One of the girls says, her words slurring slightly. "He's kind of cute. Can we keep him?"

The boy who'd talked about having the night off from initiation nods at me.

"Name." It is a command not a request.

My tongue feels heavy and dry.

I don't want to give him my name.

I never want to give anyone my name.

I lift my shoulders slightly.

"You can call me whatever you want."

He pauses for a moment.

"Alright, stiff." He sizes me up for a moment then tilts his head. "What are you here for?"

"I just…I…"

I think about making something up but what would be the point? I am here to learn how to defend myself.

If I am going to become as dauntless as I can I am going to need someone to show me.

"I need help. I want to learn to defend myself."

The boy raises his eyebrows and then laughs.

"Defend yourself from _what?_ Isn't your faction supposedly supposed to be peaceful and all that?"

"I guess, but we're not amity. There are bad people in every faction. I just happen to live with one who likes to decorate my face with his fists."

"Whoa…" The girl in the corner says. "This just got dark…and heavy."

The boy looks me over for a second and then nods a little bit.

"You want us to teach you how to fight?"

I nod a little.

I watch as his eyes move over my black eye for a moment.

"Okay. I'll bite." He holds his hand out towards me.

"I'm Zeke."

I take his hand and shake it, finally starting to breathe normally again.

He introduces me to everyone eventually.

The girl in the corner who was wrapped around the boy in a way that I would die to be wrapped around Beatrice is named Christina. The boy is Will.

Zeke has a brother, Uriah who is pressed against the train wall next to the girl who'd asked me to state my purpose.

Her name is Shauna.

The one who'd said I was cute is Marlene and the guy in the corner with the dark amber liquid is Al.

Zeke explains that he is taking a few of the initiates for a night out.

Apparently dauntless initiation is pretty intense.

Maybe I'm glad that I didn't pick dauntless.

When we finally reach the dauntless compound we all jump off together.

Everyone lands on their feet except for me.

I roll off the train awkwardly but at least I make the jump.

"Wait…" Shauna says glancing around nervously.

"How are we supposed to get him in?"

Zeke rolls his eyes.

"Have you completely forgotten that I work security?"

"Oh…right…but still. We're going to bring him in _that?_" She points to my clothes. "We'll never get him past security regardless of who you know."

I look down at myself in my oversized abnegation clothes.

Why hadn't I thought to find something else to wear in order to fit in?

Zeke lets out a long sigh and slips off his jacket and tosses it to me.

"Put that on, button it up all the way." He glances at my pants for a moment and then he turns to Al.

"You still have those wet clothes from earlier?"

Al has a backpack slung across his shoulders and he brings it around, unzips it and pulls out a pair of damp black pants and tosses them to Zeke who then tosses them to me.

"We went swimming earlier. They're wet but they'll do."

I feel extremely awkward changing in front of all these girls but I do as he asks because these people are going to be my saving grace.

Once I'm dressed, Zeke lets out a whistle.

"Well, look at that. You look pretty dauntless to me."

I look down at myself and even I am a little shocked.

I look different, slightly intimidating even.

I can't keep the grin off my face.

"Alright, let's go." Zeke says, he turns to me for a moment.

"Keep your head down alright?"

I nod and we all follow him to an opening on the roof.

It's a giant hole that looks it has no end in sight.

I have a mini panic attack when Uriah jumps down it with a scream.

"What is he doing!?"

Zeke grins.

"Hey, have faith. You want to be dauntless, don't you?" and then he disappears down the hole the same way Uriah had.

I watch as everyone around me does the same until it is just me on the roof, my heart beating so fast against my ribcage.

I close my eyes and take a giant leap of faith.

For the split second that I'm free-falling through the air I can't help but think what an idiot I am to do this.

The dauntless are crazy!

Then, I hit a net.

There's a net.

Of course there is a net.

Zeke helps me out of it, grinning.

"Welcome to dauntless." He laughs a little.

"What exactly are you guys doing? Why aren't you all in your beds like you're supposed to be?"

A girl with dark hair and a pierced eyebrow approaches us.

"Aw come on, Lauren don't be such a buzz kill. We just couldn't sleep that's all."

Lauren lets out a tired sigh.

"You're teaching the initiates bad habits."

Zeke shakes his head.

"Actually, I'm teaching the initiates _fun_ so that they don't kill themselves under Eric's regime."

Lauren yawns.

"Just get to bed alright? I'm too tired to deal with this."

"Why are you even on security duty? Is someone sick?"

Lauren shrugs.

"I don't know, they asked me so I'm here. Get to bed." The group starts to move and I trip along beside them.

"Hey wait." It's Lauren's voice.

The group pauses and I hold my breath.

She walks around to face me and with her eyes boring into me I can't help but look up at her.

She grimaces when she sees my face.

"Jesus, Eric is really making you guys wail on each other." She sighs a little bit. "How come I don't recognize you?"

"Uh, he's a quiet initiate, always hangs out in the back, doesn't speak much. Amity transfer."

Lauren raises an eyebrow.

"I don't even think we _have_ an amity transfer this year…what's your name?"

"Um…" I am terrified, so terrified that my lips are shaking.

"Gary." Zeke pipes up. "His name is Gary."

"Okay. We _definitely_ don't have an initiate named Gary. What is going on Zeke?"

"Lauren, I will never ask you for anything else again in my entire life if you just look the other way for one night."

Lauren looks from Zeke to me and then rolls her eyes.

"Whatever. I'm tired. He just better be out of here in the morning before Eric sees, got it?"

"Got it." Zeke says and then he drags me off and away from Lauren quickly.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hi! I've decided that most of this is going to be in Tobias' point of view with the occasional Beatrice. It's just the way the story is fleshing itself out. Thank you as always for reading!**

**your reviews keep me going!**

**Tobias**

Zeke moves with ease as he demonstrates punches.

I get the feeling that I will never be as fluid as he is.

Zeke steadies the punching bag and reaches up to wipe a sheen of sweat off of his forehead.

"Okay, your turn."

Most everyone else that had been on the train with us had wandered off to bed by now and it is just Zeke and I in what appears to be a training room.

"I can't. I don't even know where to start."

"Just mimic exactly what I did. It's easy once you start."

I stare at the punching bag for a long moment and then I take a couple steps towards it and ball up my fist.

I try to guide my arm the same way that I'd watched Zeke do it but it doesn't look or feel the same.

My fist connects with the punching back and a shooting pain goes through my arm.

Zeke grins as I let out a groan.

"Well yeah, if you punch like _that_ it's going to hurt."

I stretch my fingers out and shake out my hand.

Maybe this was a stupid idea.

Zeke watches the disappointment flash across my face and I see the pity in his eyes. He tilts his head at the punching bag for a moment and then turns to me.

"Who is it that did that to your face exactly?"

I shrug.

I just met him.

He doesn't need to know the details.

He holds up his hands.

"You don't have to _tell_ me who it is just…" He walks over to the punching bag and holds on to the sides.

"You've got to believe that this is him. You need incentive."

I bring my eyes to the punching bag for a moment and my father's face flashes there.

Hate flows through me to my fingertips.

I ball up my fist and guide my arm into the punching bag the way that Zeke had showed me.

The punching bags sways back and I blow out a breath.

Zeke nods a little.

"Yeah. Just like that."

We spend the next few hours practicing punching combos.

By the end of it, I am exhausted and my knuckles are cracked and bruised.

Zeke hands me a towel and I use it to wipe the sweat from my face.

"You're going to want to ice that." He says nodding at my hands. I stare down at the bruises for a moment.

I am so used to the coloring that it barely fazes me.

"Yeah."

There is light streaming through the window which tells me I've been here too long already.

I stand up abruptly and Zeke looks up at me, one eyebrow raised.

"I'm sorry. I have to go."

He nods at me his eyes drifting to the window.

"Me too actually…" He stands up slowly.

"Thank you. I can't tell you how much this will help me."

He nods a little.

"Sure. Same time tomorrow, then?"

I don't know why he wants to help me.

He barely knows me but I am filled with so much gratitude that it's almost overwhelming.

"I'll be here."

I move towards the door but before I can exit I hear Zeke's voice again.

"Just don't show up looking like a stiff again, alright, Stiff?

I turn a little, my hand on the doorway.

"Tobias."

"What?"

"That's my name." I say softly. I swallow, waiting for the recognition to hit him but instead he just shrugs.

"I don't need to know that. I can call you Stiff."

I breathe a little sigh and then nod a little bit.

"I'll see you." I mumble and then I'm out the door.

…

When I push the front door open, it creaks.

I freeze automatically scared to even breathe.

The house is dark and silent.

I don't think Marcus is awake yet but the littlest sound could sometimes rouse him

I wait for a few moments but no footsteps come thundering down the stairs.

I tread lightly on the steps as I make my way up them and into my room.

I press myself against the door for a long moment and just breathe out a sigh of relief.

I had made it in to dauntless and back, still alive.

That is everything.

I peel off the black clothing quickly and stuff it into the bottom of my drawer, then I put on the familiar grey clothing the same way I have done every morning for my whole life.

I hear a quiet knock on the door and I sit down on my bed quickly.

Marcus never waits for a reply before he opens the door so I don't give one.

The door swings open and he stands there all dressed for work.

"Good morning." I say quietly.

He looks me over for a moment, his eyes moving over my bruise. It still looks bad, but it's starting to yellow in some places.

"You look tired." He says simply.

I nod just a little bit.

"The rain kept me up."

His eyes move down to my hands and I realize that my knuckles are still bruised. I ball my hands into fists and then slowly slide them behind him back.

He lifts his eyes to mine again and I swallow hard, waiting for the inevitable blow up to happen.

He saw my bruised knuckles, there wasn't any way he could've missed them and I have no idea how I am going to explain it away.

But he doesn't ask.

"There's a box downstairs of canned goods and bread. I want you to take it down to the factionless. You'll finish your community service out that way."

It's laughable that he thinks that this is a punishment.

Working with the factionless would be a haven.

I would rather be anywhere than with him in his office.

Besides, I only have a week left before I am a full member of abnegation.

I nod a little and he turns to leave.

"Uh..dad?"

He turns around and looks at me curiously.

"I know you have a lot of say in where initiates are placed after initiation. I was just…wondering where you were thinking of putting me."

I knew he was going to place me somewhere so that he could keep an eye me, I am just praying that it isn't in his office.

He pauses for a moment, head tilted towards me.

"Well," He says quietly. "Originally I wanted to train you to be my successor." His eyes flick up to my bruise.

"But I don't think you're up to the challenge. It's too much responsibility I think, for someone like you. So instead, I'm going to have you work with the factionless. You'll fit in well enough there, and that way you'll always understand how fortunate you are to have a faction at all."

Working with the factionless.

It's his subtle way of telling me that he can make _me_ factionless easily if I keep messing up.

"Thank you for the opportunity." I say quietly.

He lets his eyes move over me for another moment and then without saying anything else, he exits my bedroom.

…

Dropping off food for the factionless isn't exactly new to me.

Lots of abnegation do it and I used to come with my mom when I was younger and help her give out food.

She was good at that sort of thing.

I don't know that I will be.

I am not afraid of the factionless like many of the younger abnegation members but I don't exactly want to spend a ton of time with them either.

There's a sort of sadness in the air when they're around and I don't blame them.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere and that's the problem with the factionless.

They don't belong anywhere at all.

When I reach the factionless wasteland, there a few other abnegation members scattered around offering food as well.

My eyes drift over them as I try to place them in my memory. There's a woman in the corner who works with my father and an older gentlemen that I've seen at meals.

I don't know any of them personally, though, there's a woman offering food to an older man that looks sort of familiar.

My heart skips a beat when I realize who she reminds me of.

Beatrice.

I knew Natalie Prior worked for the factionless I just hadn't put two and two together until now.

Her eyes drift towards me and she offers a small polite abnegation smile and I give her the same one back.

She walks towards me and gently takes the box from my hands.

"Let me help with you that." She says softly. "It's good to see you, Tobias. Are you finishing your community service with us?"

I nod slowly.

"Yes, I am. I'm looking forward to it."

"Great." She smiles a little and her eyes move over my bruise.

"Do you need some help with that bruise? I have some first aid I can see what I can do."

I lift my shoulders in a shrug.

"No, thank you. It's not as bad as it looks. I'm very clumsy. I run into things." I force a smile and she nods.

"I'll take some of this and spread it out between the groups."

I nod and reach into the box taking out a loaf of bread and a can of peas.

"I'll take this then."

She tilts her head towards me for a moment and then turns and takes the box over to a few of the people with her.

I move slowly trying to find one of the factionless to offer food to. There's an older man in the corner, mostly keeping to himself.

I move towards him and kneel down next to him.

"Can I offer you some bread?" I say politely. The man looks me over for a moment his eyes locked on mine.

"You look familiar." He says quietly.

"You might know my father." I mumble, my jaw tight.

"No. That's not it." He says softly but he doesn't elaborate before he takes some of the bread from my hands.

I watch him eat for a moment, slightly confused by his words.

I wasn't a very prominent member of abnegation, my father always made sure of that, so if he didn't know my father…I definitely shouldn't seem familiar to him.

"Maybe you've seen me around." I say softly. "I used to come down here with my mother but that was years ago."

The man pauses with bread half way to his mouth.

"Yeah…that's it. Your mother." He nods and then takes a bite out of the bread.

I stare at him for a moment, watching him eat.

"You…you knew my mother?"

"Well—"

"Tobias!"

I turn around quickly and find myself looking at Natalie. She waves me over with her hand.

"Can I borrow you for a quick second?"

I stand up quickly.

"Of course."

I glance at the man for a moment.

"I'll be right back. Don't move."

I move over towards Natalie and help her move a few boxes to the other side of the sector.

When I'm finished I turn to continue my conversation with the man, but he's gone like he was never really there at all.

…

The days go by relatively the same. I wake up, I get dressed and I head down to the factionless sector.

Last night, I had completed my community service and shared a meal with the abnegation leaders all of us politely passing food to the right.

It felt strange becoming abnegation when I sneak into dauntless now almost every other night.

If Marcus notices my absence he doesn't say anything about it and I am grateful.

I need dauntless.

Not only is dauntless giving me skills to defend myself but dauntless is giving me friends.

Zeke is the first friend I've ever had, apart from Beatrice and I never really knew how much I craved friendship before I met him.

Today is a day like any other.

I make my way to the factionless sector with dauntless on the brain.

Tonight, Zeke is going to teach me a complicated self defense combo.

I politely greet Natalie and then my eyes search the crowd for the man I'd seen on the first day who claimed to know my mother but he is never here.

I am starting to wonder if it had been a dream.

Maybe I miss my mother so much that I'm creating a situation for myself where I can talk about her just because Marcus forbids it.

"Tobias?"

Natalie approaches me and jolts me out of my thoughts.

I turn towards her and force a smile.

"Please let me help you take care of that bruise. I have a cream that will make all the yellow go away. May I?"

The first rule of an abnegation member is to refuse help the first time.

"No, thank you. You're very sweet but I'm alright."

Natalie smiles and she looks so much like Beatrice that it makes my heartache.

"Please. I want to."

I nod a little and she takes my hand and guides me to the edge of the sector. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a little container.

She unscrews the lid and dips her fingers into the white cream and lightly dabs some over my bruise.

"Do you like working with the factionless? I know it can be a little disheartening"

I shrug a little.

"I don't mind it. I like helping people."

She nods again still dabbing the cream on my bruise.

"Tobias, I think it's wonderful that you want to court Beatrice."

I stare at her for a moment.

"…You do?"

She nods.

"She's miserable without being able to talk to you. I really think you've made a wonderful impact on her. I think she needs someone like you, to help keep her out of trouble. Keep her on the abnegation path."

She puts the lid back on the cream and looks up at me.

"Andrew is very protective of Beatrice but I understand that she's old enough to court. She'll be fifteen soon and…"

She closes her eyes for a moment.

"I worry about her. A lot. I'd like it if there was someone else looking out for her too."

"I'd be more than happy to look after her but Beatrice is a very strong girl, I don't think she needs it."

Natalie smiles and nods.

"I know but I'm a mother, I'll worry until the day that I die."

Her words make me think of my own mother and my thoughts drift to the man I'd seen on the first day again for a moment.

"If it's alright with your father, I'd like to invite you over for dinner tonight."

My heart warms just a little inside of my chest.

"Thank you. I'll ask."

She touches my shoulder for a moment and then disappears back to the rest of the group.

…

I sit across the table from Marcus in silence.

He's doing some sort of paper work and has been ever since he'd gotten home.

I'd only come down the stairs a couple minutes ago to sit with him, trying to muster up the courage to ask him if I could go to the Prior's for dinner.

He makes a note on one of the papers and then flips it over and lifts his eyes to me.

"Is there something you need, Tobias?"

My mouth feels dry and suddenly I lost all the words that were moving around in my brain only moments ago.

"Um…"

"No 'ums' Tobias, just say what you mean."

I clear my throat a little.

"Natalie Prior invited me to dinner tonight. I was wondering if it was okay if I went."

He watches me for a moment, head tilted towards me.

"You're not going to let this 'Beatrice' situation go, are you?"

I look down at the table in front of me wishing I could disappear into the wood. I will never understand his ability to make me feel so small.

"I was invited. It would be rude of me not to go."

Marcus is quiet for a moment and then he picks up his pen and starts marking things on his papers again.

"You may go."

I stand quickly and turn towards the stairs, I don't want to give him time to change his mind.

"Tobias?"

I pause with my foot on the first step and slowly turn around.

"No matter how close you become to the Prior's please remember that we keep family matters private."

I stare at him for a long moment taking in his words.

Family matters.

Interesting way to describe the reason I am always covered in bruises.

"Of course." I say through my teeth before I disappear up the stairs.

…

I am fifteen minutes early for dinner with the Prior's when I ring the doorbell.

I hold two roses.

One for Natalie and the other of course for Beatrice.

Abnegation rarely accept full bouquets as it's too gluttonous.

The door swings open and I am greeted by Andrew.

He doesn't seem overly enthused that I am here but he invites me in anyway.

Once we make it to the living room, Natalie greets me and I offer her the rose.

"That was very nice of you, Tobias. Thank you." She exchanges a glance with Andrew whose expression softens.

You can tell how much he loves her in just that simply interaction.

Caleb comes down the stairs moments later followed by his sister.

My breath catches in my throat when I see her.

It has only been a little over a week but I hadn't realized how much I missed her till I this moment.

Beatrice with her blonde hair pulled back into a tight bun and her over-sized clothes.

I smile a little.

"Hello, Beatrice."

She looks me over for a moment, her eyes falling on the rose.

"For you." I say as I hold it out towards her.

She takes it from my hand, her fingers lightly brushing mine for a moment.

"Thank you." She says quietly pushing her nose into the rose opening.

She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

"Dinner is all set." Natalie's voice pulls me from my Beatrice induced trance.

We all follow her into the dining room and take seats.

Beatrice and Caleb remain quiet throughout dinner as Natalie and Andrew ask me all sorts of questions that I try to answer with maturity.

By the end of it I think Andrew has softened towards me and Caleb even seems a little less icy.

When dinner is over I offer to do the dishes and Andrew follows me into the kitchen.

I wash and he dries for a while in silence.

It isn't until the task is almost over that he turns towards me to speak.

"I'll allow you to court Beatrice." He says simply.

"Thank you, sir. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that."

He nods a little and leaves me standing in the kitchen alone for a few moments.

After a moment or two I see Beatrice's head poke around the corner.

Her grin is so wide that I think her cheeks must hurt.

"Mom says I can walk you home."

I smile a little.

"Great." I say softly.

Then a moment later, Caleb pokes his head into the kitchen as well.

"Don't get so excited. She said I have to come along."

Beatrice rolls her eyes, but nothing can stop the glowing warmth moving through me tonight.

…

We start the walk to my house, Beatrice and I in front with Caleb trailing behind us, kicking rocks.

He couldn't be more obvious about how annoyed he is that Beatrice is now courting.

"I don't know why he's so upset." She mumbles to me.

"He has Susan over for dinner _all_ of the time."

I shrug a little.

"Maybe he's just protective."

Beatrice laughs.

"Yeah, right. He doesn't even _like_ me half the time."

"He's your brother. He likes you." I say softly.

We are silent for a while even though I have a million things buzzing around in my brain that I want to tell her.

I want to tell her about my mother.

I want to tell her about dauntless.

I want to tell her everything but I can't.

Not in front of Caleb.

"Your bruise looks better." She says quietly.

"Yeah, your mom actually helped with that."

She nods a little.

"She's a whiz at a first aide."

She's walking so close to me now that that our fingers are brushing but I don't dare try and hold her hand with Caleb following so close behind us.

"Are you okay?" She asks quietly.

I nod.

"Sure. Why do you ask?"

"Your knuckles are bruised."

I look down at my hands and then nod a little.

"I have a lot to fill you in on but…I can't here."

She nods a little.

"Okay."

We continue our silent walk until Caleb pauses.

"Hey, hang on a minute." He says. "I'll be right back." He turns a corner and jogs the length of the street.

"What's he doing?" I ask raising an eyebrow at Beatrice.

"This is Susan's street" She says with a sigh. "He leaves her notes in the mailbox."

I grin.

"Maybe I should start leaving _you_ notes in the mailbox."

She wrinkles her nose.

"I don't need notes. What I need is to know why your knuckles are bruised."

I watch her for a moment, chewing on my bottom lip.

"I'm…I'm learning how to defend myself. Like you said."

She looks confused for a moment.

"I didn't say that."

"You did actually. You said if I had picked dauntless I would've learned how to defend myself."

"Yeah…but you _didn't _pick dauntless."

"That doesn't necessarily mean that I _can't_ be dauntless."

She narrows her eyes a little.

"I'm not following."

"Beatrice, I've been sneaking into dauntless."

Her eyes widen and she glances around quickly just to make sure no one's listening.

"What?"

I nod a little.

"Yeah. I go at night. No one sees me. Marcus is sleeping. I…I made a few friends there and they're…helping me."

She shakes her head slowly.

"Tobias! That's SO dangerous. You could get into a LOT of trouble. You chose abnegation you can't just…go and learn dauntless techniques."

"I know it's dangerous. I don't want to be a 'faction traitor' that's not what this is about. You know that better than anyone."

Her eyes drift back to my face and the yellowing bruise. She lets out a little sigh.

"You can't get caught."

I nod.

"I know that. Trust me."

She crosses her arms over her chest for a moment, staring at the ground and then abruptly she lifts her eyes to mine.

"I want to go with you." She says quietly.

"Go with me where?" I say, oblivious.

"To dauntless."

"What? No! Absolutely not."

"Why not?" She pleads.

"Because! I'm not putting you in danger like that! It is one thing for me to go into dauntless it's entirely another for me to bring you along."

She frowns up at me, shaking her head.

"That's not fair!"

"Beatrice, what do you need to go to dauntless for?"

"I…" she rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh. "…fine."

I know that abnegation is stifling for her. Every inch of her buzzes with a sense of adventure but I can't take her along just because of that.

I touch her shoulders lightly.

"Hey…I'm going to court you the right way. I'm not going to get you into trouble."

She looks up at me, mouth slightly open as she breathes.

"You're already getting me into trouble."

I shake my head.

"How?"

"Every time that you touch me, my shoulder, my hand…I feel…" She trails off not bothering to finish her sentence.

I drop my hands from her shoulder and smile a little.

"Yeah, me too."

She looks at the ground for a moment.

"Take me into dauntless with you. Just once."

I close my eyes.

It's impossible to deny her anything but if she gets caught sneaking out to see me, the courting would be over before I could even say the word 'courting'.

"Okay. I'll take you in but you need to be careful. I mean not a soul can know that you are gone, okay?"

She nods enthusiastically.

"Friday. Friday night I'll take you."

It's Wednesday.

It gives me time to warn Zeke and get her some dauntless clothing.

"Wait until everyone in your house is asleep and then—"

"I know how to sneak out."

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"How do you know how to sneak out?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

"I used to sneak out all the time."

"To do what?"

She shrugs.

"Mostly just…walk around and explore. I feel like the nighttime is the only time I have to just…do whatever it is that I please."

More proof that abnegation is not the faction for her but I try to ignore these thoughts as much as possible.

If Beatrice didn't choose abnegation on her choosing day…we couldn't be together.

"Okay then." I say softly. "Sneak out. Meet me at my front door. We'll leave from there."

She nods as Caleb jogs back over to us.

"Okay, keep it moving." He says softly and Beatrice and I continue the walk to my house in silence.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! I've been sick and working on an original story of my own. Anyways enjoy chapter 5 :)**

**Tobias/Four**

When I sneak into dauntless Wednesday night, the same night of the Prior dinner, Zeke seems almost excited that I am breaking more rules, especially ones that involve the opposite sex.

"Wow, stiff!" He says, a grin taking over his face.

"Aren't you like, not even supposed to talk to girls?"

"It's not that big of a deal." I mumble, punching the swinging bag in front of me hard.

"Oh yeah? Is that why you can't even say her name without blushing?"

I let out a groan.

"Okay. That's it, I'm not bringing her."

Zeke lets out a loud laugh and then he shakes his head.

"Don't be ridiculous. Bring her, I'm just kidding. I think it's awesome that you have a girlfriend."

"She's _not_ my girlfriend. Not yet anyway."

Zeke holds up his hands in defense.

"Sorry. What should I call her then?"

I let out a frustrated breath and look up at him.

"Beatrice." I say hitting the punching bag once more.

"Alright, well, I can't wait to meet _Beatrice _then."

I pull my hand back and watch the punching bag sway back and forth for a moment.

"Hey Zeke, can I ask you something?"

He leans back against the wall, arms crossing over his chest.

"Go for it."

"What are the rules in dauntless when it comes to dating?"

Zeke stares at me for a moment then he shakes his head slowly.

"There aren't any."

I close my eyes for a moment and suck in a breath.

The freedom I lost by choosing abnegation becomes more and more apparent every day.

"I can't even imagine." I breathe, my brain already shooting me images of Beatrice and I in black dauntless clothing, holding hands, laughing, touching, god forbid, _kissing. _

"You know, I get that things are different in abnegation but…if you want to have the chance to explore things with Beatrice, you can do it here. No one would ever find out and…" He shrugs a little bit.

"As far as I'm concerned, when you're here….you're dauntless."

"I want to do right by her. I want to do it all by the book. I have to, it won't feel right otherwise. No matter how kissable her lips are."

Zeke laughs and lifts his shoulders in a shrug.

"Okay. I can understand that."

I pull my arm back and hit the punching bag a few times and Zeke lets out a low whistle.

"What?" I ask curiously.

He shrugs.

"Nothing…you're just getting really getting good at that. If you were an initiate, Eric would be all over you."

I've heard Zeke mention Eric only a handful of times and it had never been anything positive.

"What's the deal with Eric anyway?"

Zeke opens his mouth to say something but someone else's voice fills the room instead.

"Eric is the reason we all want to jump into the chasm." I recognize Shauna's voice and so does Zeke.

His entire face lights up and he swivels his head around to find her.

She walks towards us and sits down against the wall opposite Zeke.

"Hey, what are you doing up?"

She shrugs a little.

"Couldn't sleep. I was up talking to the initiates." She yawns a little bit. "Christina had another rough day with Eric."

Zeke lets out a small sigh.

"I can't figure out why he's targeting her." His voice is laced with frustration.

Shauna shrugs again.

"Because that's how he gets his rocks off, picking on people weaker than him."

"What's his deal? Why's he such an asshole?"

The word falls out of my mouth so easily that it almost surprises me.

I've clearly been hanging out in dauntless way too much.

Zeke lets out a tired sigh.

"I don't know. He wasn't always—"

Shauna lets out a scoff and we both turn to look at her.

"Yes he was, he just didn't show it at first."

Zeke closes his eyes like he's tired of this conversation even though it's barely started.

"He just thinks dauntless should be full of power hungry idiots who wouldn't know bravery if it danced naked in front of them."

"So then why did you stay?" I ask curiously, eyebrow raised.

Zeke shakes his head a little.

"Because it wasn't always like this, and Dauntless is my home. It's all I know."

I nod my head a little bit.

"So that's why you're so close to the initiates. You feel protective."

Zeke nods again.

Abnegation initiation is long over, but dauntless initiation lasts longer, most of them do.

"They joined dauntless for what it used to be. Not what it is now. I want to show them that it can still be that way, but it's hard with Eric running them into the ground and having them beat the crap out of each other…"

Shauna stands up then, moving over towards Zeke. She puts an arm around him and then leans her head against his shoulder.

"I'm really worried about Chris," Shauna says quietly. "Eric is really singling her out and I don't think she's strong enough to deal."

Zeke turns his head slightly and presses his cheek against Shauna's forehead.

Dauntless had seemed like such a safe haven to me, only weeks ago.

I guess every faction has its problems.

All three of us are silent for a long time. At this point, words just feel too heavy.

Eventually Zeke pulls away from Shauna, his eyes meeting hers for a second.

"Hey, I need to borrow some clothes."

She stares at him, disbelief covering her face.

"Developing a new style I should know about?"

He shakes his head a little.

"No, Stiff is bringing his girlfriend on Friday."

Shauna's eyes widen.

"Stiff has a girlfriend?!"

"Stiff has a friend." I interject quickly.

Shauna raises an eyebrow.

"Okay, do you happen to _like_ this friend as _more_ than a friend?"

"I…" I close my eyes for a moment. "Her name is Beatrice. We're sort of courting."

Shauna's mouth opens into a little 'o' shape.

"That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard. You abnegation just warm my little dauntless heart, I swear."

She stands up and presses a kiss to Zeke's forehead.

"Okay. I'll bring you something." She turns towards me, tilting her head.

"How do you like your girls, Stiff? I have an array of clothing, how do you want her to look?"

I frown immediately.

I don't want her to look any particularly way.

I just want her to look like Beatrice.

I lift my shoulders in a shrug.

"I don't know. I don't care." I mumble.

She rolls her eyes.

"Okay. I'll bring you something." She says before disappearing from the training room.

Zeke catches my eye and smiles.

"Don't worry, Stiff. We'll get your girl here just fine, and we'll try and keep her chaste too."

…

I'm exhausted as I make my way to the factionless sector on Thursday morning.

Staying up all night is starting to get old, fast.

With several yawns, I finally manage to start my day.

I move through the motions of the day politely passing out food and helping Natalie divvy up responsibilities between the group of us.

Being around Natalie is always distracting because she looks so much like Beatrice and once my brain tacks on to that thought, I am useless.

As I watch Natalie, my thoughts drift to her daughter and the way her fingers had brushed mine on the walk to my house last night.

I can't keep the smile off my face even if I wanted to.

Friday can't seem any further away than it does right now.

I am snapped out of my thoughts quickly by a tight grip on my arm.

When I look up I find myself staring into the eyes of a dark-haired man.

He can't be more than four years older than me but he stands with the air of someone much older.

"You're the Eaton kid aren't you?"

"E-excuse me?" I stutter as I pull my arm out of his grip.

As I look him over I see he's wearing an abnegation grey t-shirt and black dauntless pants.

He's factionless.

He has to be with that outfit but he looks better than the rest of them.

Well taken care of, almost.

"Tobias Eaton. That's you?"

My first instinct is to deny, it always is but I am caught completely off guard.

"Um…"

"You are. You look like her."

I stare up at him, mouth open just a little bit.

"I'm sorry. I have no idea who you are or what you're talking about."

"Come with me." He nods his head towards a dark corner.

I shake my head quickly.

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Trust me, kid. You'll want to." He gives me a significant look.

I turn my head a little and watch the other abnegation members passing out food, totally oblivious to me having a conversation with a well dressed factionless person.

The man seems to lose his patience with me and stalks off into the dark corner without waiting for me.

I jog after him, my brain trying desperately to figure out what could possibly be going on right now.

"How do you know my name?"

The man shakes his head.

"Don't ask questions, just listen." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out what I know to be a cigarette.

Abnegation doesn't use them, but Candor does and Dauntless.

I stare at him as he lights a match and lights the end of the cigarette and takes a long drag.

"I have a letter for you."

"For me?" I say disbelief coating my voice. "You don't even know me."

"Well, you're right about that." He says flicking the end of the cigarette so a bit of ash falls to the ground.

"But I know someone who _does _know you incredibly well." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled envelope with my name scrawled across the front.

"How did you even know I'd be here?"

"I didn't." He says quietly as he takes another drag.

"I came here for food like everybody else but…" He lets his eyes move over me. "She knew you'd be here eventually."

I look down at the crumpled envelope.

I have no idea who this 'she' could possibly be.

"Maybe you should just read it." The man says, annoyance in his tone.

I look down at the envelope and start to open it but he places a hand over mine.

"What, are you crazy? Not here. You can't open it _here_."

I shrug.

"Where am I supposed to open it then?"

He shrugs and then shakes his head.

"I don't know. Not my problem but I'm also supposed to tell you not to let Marcus find it."

"Who are you and how do you know my father?" I press.

"My name's Zach but that's really not as important as you seem to think it is. I'm just the messenger and there are things you don't know. Things you should know."

I shove the letter into my pocket.

"I'm going now." I say slightly annoyed that he refuses to tell me anything worthwhile. He nods and continues to smoke his cigarette as I walk back to the other factionless.

…

When I finally make it back home, Marcus isn't home from work yet and I'm glad for it. I sit down at the kitchen table and pull out the crumpled envelope in my pocket.

I stare at my name written hastily across it trying to place the handwriting but I can't.

I place the envelope on the table for a moment wondering if I should even open it at all. For all I know, this could be a trick or someone's idea of a joke but something tells me this letter will change everything.

I slide my finger underneath the flap to tear it open and pull out a folded letter. It seems old, like it was written years ago.

I unfold the letter carefully and when I see the handwriting slanting across the page I finally recognize it.

For a full minute I can't breathe.

This letter is from my mother.

_My_ _Mother_.

Had she written me something before she died?

Her death had been strange, unexpected and sudden.

When would she have had time to write me a letter?

My eyes move across the page quickly, devouring it.

_Tobias, _it reads.

_I don't know what Marcus has told you. _

_ I don't know how much truth you know but I'd like the opportunity to explain things to you. _

_ I am so sorry for everything you've been through and the things that I couldn't be there to help you through. _

_ If you want to speak with me, and I am hoping very much that you do, one of my factionless can get a message to me for you._

_ Be careful. . _

_ I'll meet you anywhere. _

_ All my love. _

_ -E_

My head is spinning.

I turn the letter over but there is nothing else written there.

There has to be more.

There has to!

This is not enough information.

I rip open the envelope but there is nothing else.

Nothing.

I don't know what any of this means.

When was it written?

Does this mean she _isn't_ dead?

_I don't know what Marcus told you. _

He told me that you were dead, Mom.

I grip the table tightly just trying to breathe.

This is insane, but how many times had I wanted the opportunity to see her again? Just for a moment?

Now I have that opportunity.

The world feels heavy and wrong but I know that I have to make every effort to speak with her.

_Speak with her._

I have an opportunity to speak with my mother.

I look down at the letter again.

_One of my factionless can get a message to me for you. _

_ My factionless. _

It seems almost obvious now.

_Her_ factionless were the ones that were well taken care of, better dressed.

I place the letter on the table in front of me and rub my hands across my face.

My mother is alive.

If I'm being honest with myself a little part of me had always known that.

Marcus' story never really added up but then again I never imagined that he would lie to me about something this big, something this real.

I turn the letter over and reach for a pen.

I stare at the paper for a moment and then I drag the pen across it quickly.

_Tonight. _

_ The hub. _

I fold up the piece of paper and shove deep in my pocket before I leave the house.

My feet are on auto-pilot as I move towards the factionless sector.

It's starting to get late so most of them are seeking shelter for the night.

There is only one man that looks like he could be a part of my mother's factionless. I move towards him slowly and he lifts his head to watch me.

"Got a message for me?" He says, raising one eyebrow.

I nod a tiny bit and hold out the folded piece of paper towards him.

He takes it and shoves it into his pocket.

"On your way." He says with a little nod.

I turn to leave, but something makes me turn back around.

The man stares at me for a long moment and I shake my head slowly.

"Is she really alive?" I ask quietly, my voice shaking more than I'd like it to.

The man watches me for a moment and then lifts his shoulders in a shrug.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I don't know what I was expecting.

She's been hidden this long for a reason. Her loyal minions obviously weren't going to give anything away now.

I don't bother saying goodbye before turning quickly and walking quickly back to my house.

Again, it's like my feet are on Auto-pilot.

I had intended to go back to my own house but I find myself staring up at the Prior house.

I knock quietly and wait.

It's Beatrice who answers and I've never been more grateful for anything in my life.

"Tobias," she says with a smile. "What a nice surprise. Do you want to come in?"

I shake my head a little.

"No…thank you…I…" I'm finding it very hard to do this polite abnegation banter at the moment but I know that it's crucial.

She looks behind her, perhaps looking for her parents and then she takes a couple steps out and closes the door quietly behind her.

"What's wrong?" She says, her eyes reading concern.

I bite down on my lip trying to fight the onslaught of tears I know are coming. I shake my head slowly.

"I don't know…I…"

"Hey…it's okay." She reaches for my hand and squeezes it lightly.

I can tell she wants to do more but we are forever trapped within the confines of abnegation. She drops my hand after a moment and crosses her arms over her chest to avoid temptation.

"What happened? You look…" She trails off and I'm glad for it. I don't want to hear what I look like right now.

"I need you to come somewhere with me tonight. Can you sneak out?"

She glances behind her like she's afraid her parents might hear but nobody had followed us out.

"To dauntless?" She whispers.

I shake my head slowly.

"No…I…I have to meet someone that I haven't seen in a really long time and I don't think I can handle it alone."

She nods a little.

"Yeah, I can sneak out." She whispers softly.

"Okay." I breathe nodding just a little my eyes watching her face.

The door behind her opens and Natalie pokes her head out.

"Oh Tobias! It's good to see you; do you want come in for dinner?"

I close my eyes for a moment trying to get it together quickly.

"No, thank you. I was just stopping by to ask Beatrice how her day went. I should have dinner with my father."

Natalie nods a little bit but Beatrice doesn't take her eyes off me.

"I'll see you." I say to her softly and then I turn quickly in the direction of my own house.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I am posting two chapters tonight, one because i love you all and two, because I really want to know what you think! Leave your thoughts in a review!**

**Tobias/Four**

I'm almost surprised at how quickly Beatrice shows up to my house. I am waiting outside only a few moments before I see her trailing along towards my house. The rebel in her never ceases to amaze me.

I am dressed in dauntless black already and the contrast between the two of us is huge.

"I thought we weren't going to dauntless?" She asks curiously.

I shake my head.

"We're not." I say softly. "I just don't want to look like a couple of abnegation if we get caught." I hold out a pile of black clothing towards her.

"I got this for you for when we do go in to dauntless. You should change." She takes the pile of clothing and disappears behind the sidewall of my house.

I wait for what feels like forever but is really only a few minutes before I see Beatrice step out from the sidewall.

She's wearing a black tank-top that shows more of her skin than I've ever seen before and tight black jeans.

She frowns up at me.

"What?" she mumbles as she pulls her hair out from its perfect bun and shakes it out.

My breath catches in my throat.

I literally cannot get enough air in.

She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Her hair, looking almost golden in the moonlight and curling slightly from being in a tight bun all day, brushes her shoulders.

I can't stop thinking about how much _I_ want to touch those shoulders.

"You're staring at me like you've never seen me before."

I shake my head a little.

"…Because I haven't. Not like this. You're beautiful, Beatrice."

The air between us feels thick and heavy and I watch as her cheeks flush bright red.

"Why do you do that?" She asks quietly.

I tilt my head a little bit.

"Do what?"

She lifts her shoulders in a shrug.

"Tell me that I'm pretty." She breathes. "I know I'm not. It's okay. You don't have to lie to me."

I stare at her for a long moment, my eyes moving over her appearance. There isn't one part of her that I don't find attractive.

I shake my head slowly.

"I'm not lying to you. You're…" I pause for a moment, watching her. "You don't get to tell me what is or isn't beautiful. Okay?"

She bites down on her lip for a moment and then slowly nods in agreement.

"I'm a little stunned. You're so much more alive like this. It makes me feel like I've never really seen the real you."

She looks down at herself for a moment and then shakes her head.

"No." She says softly. "This isn't the real me. The real me belongs with you in abnegation. I promise." She smiles a little bit.

Guilt seeps through me.

I can't keep her here and I know it.

I know it now, looking at her in dauntless clothing, with a blush on her cheeks.

I know it now more than ever.

It's still two years away but I already know that she can't choose abnegation.

I can't let her.

"Now, are you going to tell me who we're going to meet?"

I watch her for a moment and then I nod a little.

"My mother."

Her mouth falls open just a little bit and then she bites down on her lip.

"Your mother? But I thought—"

"Yeah, me too." I say quietly.

"…I don't understand."

"It's a really long story, so…long story short…I got a letter from her."

She shakes her head slowly.

"Wow." She breathes.

"Yeah." I say quietly.

"Are you okay?" She asks with nothing but concern on her face.

"I don't know." I hold out my hand towards her and she takes it without hesitation.

We walk quickly, our feet shuffling along with our hands clasped together in a way that is entirely inappropriate but neither of us cares much at the moment.

When we finally reach the hub, Beatrice let's go of my hand in favor of looking around curiously.

"She's going to be here?" She asks.

I nod slowly.

"This is where I told her to meet."

She nods a little.

"So now we wait?"

I nod slowly.

"So now we wait."

…

Two hours later and we are still waiting. Tris has laid herself across the steps, not used to being up so late.

I am pressed against the stair railing my eyes searching the area as hard as I can.

I don't want her to sneak up on me.

I want to be prepared.

The longer I wait though, the more discouraged I become.

What if this is all a joke?

What if this is Marcus's way of trying to find out if I am doing things I shouldn't be?

Maybe this is a bad idea.

After another minute I finally say what I've been dreading.

"She's not coming."

Beatrice sits up with a little yawn.

"She could still come. You didn't set a specific time."

I shake my head.

"No. I don't think this is real anymore."

She sits up, hugging her knees.

"Let's wait a little longer."

I nod a little but I don't look at her.

This is embarrassing beyond belief.

I close my eyes for a moment and focus on my breathing.

"Tobias?"

My world freezes at the sound of my name.

It's a voice that I didn't think I'd ever hear again and yet…here it is.

I open my eyes and turn very slowly to face the voice.

The first thing I notice is the smell.

The unmistakable beautiful smell of my childhood, lavender and mint.

She has smelled like that for as long as I can remember.

"Mom?" I say quietly, my eyes taking in her curly black hair and olive skin.

Her eyes that look so much like mine.

"Oh…" She lets out a soft breath. "…I…god, you're…" She covers her mouth with her hand.

"You look so good. So strong and handsome." She smiles a little bit and then she moves towards me, arms held out.

When she finally gets to me she wraps her arms around me tightly.

I don't have the courage to lift my arms and hug her back.

I'm still having trouble believing that this is real.

She pulls away after a moment, reaching one hand up to touch my cheek.

"You're so grown-up." She breathes. "I can't believe it."

I swallow hard, my mouth feels so dry that I'm almost afraid it's going to fall off and crumble away.

"Yeah, well. You've been gone eight years." I say, my voice shaky.

She nods a little bit.

"I know. I know you must hate me right now but there are so many things you don't know. So many things that I need to tell you. Will you let me explain things to you?"

"I'm here, aren't I?" I mumble in a flat voice.

She nods again.

"Yes. You are." She watches me for a moment and then reaches for my hand.

"How bad was it?"

I stare at her, not really sure what she's asking.

"How bad was what?"

She squeezes my hand.

"Marcus…how bad was he to you?"

A voice that sounds suspiciously like my father's reverberates in my brain.

_Lie._

I lift my shoulders in a shrug.

"Not that bad."

A loud scoff comes from the stairs and Evelyn and I both turn towards the noise.

I almost forgot that Beatrice is still here.

Evelyn doesn't seem happy about that at all.

She frowns, eyes shooting daggers.

"Who are you?" She says. Her tone is anything but warm.

"Beatrice." She says shortly. "I was invited."

Evelyn turns towards me.

"You brought someone with you?" She sounds hurt, but I can't gather up the energy to care about her being hurt.

"Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of her too. I don't owe you anything. I had no idea what I was walking into. It would've been stupid to come alone."

Evelyn purses her lips for a moment.

I can see the anger in her bubbling just underneath the surface but all she does is breathe out a little sigh.

"Fine, but can we keep the scoffing to a minimum?"

Beatrice rolls her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I scoffed because he's lying. Marcus hits him."

Evelyn turns towards me for a moment, sadness written all over her face.

"I truly thought he'd stop if I left." She says quietly.

"You were wrong." I whisper. "It just got worse."

She covers her mouth with her hand for a moment.

"I'm so sorry. I never should've left you, I should've taken you with me…God, I've made so many mistakes and I don't expect you to ever forgive me for any of them but I just need to explain things to you. I need to." She nods a tiny bit as if to convince herself of something.

I shrug.

She takes a deep breath, clasping her hands together.

"What did Marcus tell you?" She says softly.

I think for a moment, running a hand through my hair.

"That you were pregnant and there we're complications. You passed during the middle of the night. I woke up and you were gone. That's really all I remember. The day passed and we never talked about it again. He won't let me talk about you."

My bottom lip starts to tremble and I bite down so hard on it that it starts to bleed.

"I wasn't pregnant." She says softly. "…and clearly I'm not dead either. I'm sorry that he made you believe that."

I feel like my head is going to explode if she keeps talking but I don't have the strength to ask her to stop.

"I want you to know that I…_loved_ your father once upon a time, with every part of me. He changed when we got married it was…" She pauses, staring just passed me as if she's watching the past flash before her eyes.

"It was bad, but then you came along and I thought…I can do this. I can keep doing this for my sweet baby boy." She nods as if convincing herself of something.

"As you got older, Marcus was so concerned with you. Always watching you, always inquiring about you…I just…I thought if he didn't love me, at least he loved you."

She shakes her head.

"I fell in love with someone else…the way that unhappy people sometimes do. I was very young, Tobias and I was tired. I was so tired of being afraid." She pauses for a moment, watching me.

"Tobias. Can you understand that? Please tell me that you can understand that."

"I understand." I say softly.

She nods a little bit before continuing.

"Marcus found out and…as you know, Marcus doesn't take hits to his pride very well. So he decided that if I couldn't be faithful to him then I would have to leave. I wanted to take you with me. I thought about going up the stairs and waking you up and just…running, but I didn't know where I was going to live, or what I was going to do and you were eight. You were still in school and Marcus looked after you so intently that I just…I thought you'd be safer with him than with me. I see now that I was wrong and I can never apologize enough for what he did to you."

"What he does." I correct her. "What he _does_ to me."

She closes her eyes, like my words cause her physical pain.

"I always planned to come for you when you were of age. Whether you picked abnegation or not I was always going to send a message to you. So I waited and…now here you are."

"What's with the factionless? Why do they all know you?" I press.

She smiles a little bit.

"They've been my family when I didn't have one. That's all it is."

I don't believe her for a minute.

The factionless are _loyal_ to her and I want to know why.

"So…what now? I'm supposed to cry and then smile and say all is forgiven because you _apologized_?"

I shake my head slowly.

"You left me in hell and I don't believe for a second that you thought I'd be safe. Not with him."

Her lips are shaking when she speaks again.

"I didn't think he'd hurt you the way that he hurt me. He loves you—"

I let out a loud laugh because I can't believe any of this is happening.

"He doesn't LOVE me!" Anger is pulsing through me like boiling hot water. I reach down and pull my shirt up and over my head.

"Does ANY of this look like love to you? Does it!?" I turn around and show my back to her.

I am scarred from the millions of times the metal on Marcus' belt made contact with my skin, still bruised from a week ago when he shoved me into the wall for being twenty minutes late.

When I turn back around to face her she brings a shaky hand to her mouth.

"There is nothing I can do to make it better. All I can do is explain it to you and hope that you'll find it in your heart to forgive me."

"What did you want from this meeting? Did you want to go off and live happily ever after together? What?"

"No. I…things are going to change very soon. The factionless might not be so underrepresented—"

"Oh." I nod a little bit.

"I get it now. Okay. You are the factionless leader. Is that what this is?"

She doesn't speak, just watches me quietly.

"You want me to go and be factionless with you and join your little parade of minions?"

"It isn't like that, Tobias. Things are changing. The faction system is fragile at best and—"

"Stop." I shake my head slowly. "I don't want to hear it. I don't care."

"Maybe not now. One day you will." She says softly.

I stare at her for a long moment and then without blinking I hold out my hand towards Beatrice.

"Beatrice. We're going." I hear her stand up and shuffle towards me and I don't waste any time in walking away from Evelyn.

"Tobias, wait!"

I turn around anger flashing through me again.

"NO! No! Idid what you asked. I _listened_ to you and I didn't like one word that came out of your mouth so I am leaving, Mom. I am the one that gets to leave YOU this time. I get to walk away now."

Her eyes gloss over with tears and I resist the urge to punch something.

"Contact me again and I swear on my life that I will tell Marcus everything."

She watches me for a long moment and then nods slowly.

"I love you forever." She says quietly, barely more than a whisper.

She used to say it to me every night when she tucked me in. I used to whisper it to myself after her 'death' when I missed her so much that it felt like I couldn't breathe.

I've waited for years to hear her voice saying those words and now all it does is make me want to drown myself.

"Forever is bullshit." I say quietly. She looks shocked that I even know that kind of vulgar language.

Beatrice finally takes my hand and together we walk far, far away from Evelyn.

…

"Do you want to talk about it?"

It is an hour later and Beatrice and I are sitting on a bridge that sits over a small pond by the school, our feet dangling over the water.

We have been sitting her for an entire hour without speaking.

I shake my head slowly.

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to do anything but sit here with you."

She nods slowly.

"Okay." She says quietly.

We return to silence and I watch as Beatrice pulls her wavy hair back into a ponytail. I take in her appearance and her dark dauntless clothing.

I have already gotten her into trouble and we've barely been courting for a week.

I am a terrible suitor.

Terrible.

"Stop." She says quietly.

"Stop what?"

"Thinking that you're bad for me." She says with a little sigh.

"How did you possibly know that I was thinking that?" I ask curiously.

She grins a little.

"You're always thinking that."

It's amazing how well she knows me already.

I stand up abruptly hand Beatrice stares up at me.

"Let's go." I say with a sigh.

"Go where?"

"Dauntless. I need to hit something."

The excitement that covers her face at my words is unmistakable.


	7. Chapter 7

**Tobias/Four**

Beatrice had insisted on catching the train on her own without any assistance from me. She banged up her knees and her elbows in the process but insisted that it had been worth it.

"I could've just helped you on, you know." I mumble as we make our way through the dauntless compound to the training room.

"Yes, and you could've told me there was a net at the bottom of that hole too but that would've defeated the whole purpose."

I roll my eyes.

"No one's testing your bravery, Beatrice."

She shrugs her shoulders.

"Maybe I'm testing myself."

Zeke isn't expecting me tonight so when I hear voices in the training room, I press myself against the wall, one hand reaching out to press Beatrice against it too. I raise a finger to my lips and Beatrice nods beside me.

We hear the sound of someone sniffling and then to my surprise I hear Shauna's voice.

"Chris, it'll be okay. He can't kick you out. You're doing worlds better than Al."

"I know!" Christina responds, "…but I don't know how much more of this I can take…"

Shauna lets out a small little sigh.

"I'm sorry, Christina. I wish I knew how to make this better for you."

I stick my head around the corner of the doorway and Shauna looks up to see me. She smiles a little.

"Hey Stiff. Zeke didn't know you were coming today. He's down in the control room. Want me to get him?"

Beatrice sticks her head around mine and Shauna's smile grows.

"You brought the girlfriend!"

"Shauna!" I reprimand immediately.

She laughs for a moment.

"Sorry, sorry. You brought _Beatrice!_ Well now, I definitely have to go and grab Zeke. Chris, this is Beatrice, Stiff's girl—" She cuts herself off with a laugh. "Stiff's friend." She lowers her head to speak to Christina in a whisper.

"Who he likes more than a friend but refuses to call his girlfriend."

I have never wanted to murder someone before but I am seriously considering ending Shauna's life right now.

Shauna and Christina both giggle as they make their way towards the door.

"You guys stay here, we'll go and grab Zeke." Shauna looks Beatrice over and grins.

"Nice outfit."

Beatrice grins.

"Is it yours?"

She nods a little.

"Thank you."

"No problem." She grins and then pulls Christina out of the doorway.

"That was Shauna." I say quietly to her.

"So, you don't want to call me your girlfriend?"

I let out a groan.

"Stop it. You know it's not like that."

She rolls her eyes.

"Fine, fine." She moves around the training room, looking at everything like it's a fascinating piece of artwork.

Moments later Zeke trickles into the training room followed by Christina and Shauna.

Beatrice is attempting to punch one of the punching bags and she looks a little ridiculous.

Shauna and Christina share a laugh.

"Yo, Stiff's girlfriend." Zeke says and I can't help but let out a groan. "You're doing it all wrong." He walks over to her and demonstrates.

She gets it right the second time she tries.

A perfect right hook.

She's tiny, so the bag doesn't really go anywhere but that doesn't change the fact that her form is perfect.

"Whoa. Look who came to play." Zeke says with a whistle.

Beatrice blushes.

"Really?"

Zeke nods.

"Yeah, you're ten times better than Shauna was."

Shauna sticks her tongue out at him.

"Shut up." She mumbles.

Zeke turns to me.

"Mind if I train her a little?"

A part of me wants to say no.

No. She cannot excel here because she needs to stay happy in abnegation with me, but the excitement in Zeke's face is something I can't ignore.

"Sure…" I say quietly. "I just wanted to hit by myself anyways." I say quietly.

I listen as Zeke instructs Beatrice on where to move her legs for kicks and how to punch to knock someone out, as I hit my own punching bag.

Evelyn's face swims in and out of my vision as I hit the bag over and over and over again.

…

It's almost sunrise when we make the trek back to abnegation.

I have been silent almost the whole way back even though I can tell Beatrice has been aching to talk about all she'd learned.

We're a block away from her house when she finally speaks to me.

"Are you…mad at me…or something?"

"What?" I say, trying to play oblivious.

"You haven't spoken to me since Zeke started training me. Was that bad? Should I not have accepted?"

I let out a long sigh.

"I don't care what you do, Beatrice."

"…but we're courting." She says in a soft voice.

"Are we?" I say in a small voice.

She blinks at me for a moment her head slowly moving from side to side.

"Of course we are! Is this about Zeke? Do you think I was flirting or something?"

I let out a snort.

"No. Even if you were it wouldn't matter. Zeke is head over heels for Shauna."

"Okay. Then why are you mad at me?" She insists.

"I'm not mad at you." I bite back.

She let out a groan.

"You just questioned if we were courting or not. You _are _mad at me."

"Beatrice, let it go." I say, anger lacing my tone.

"Is this about your mother?" She presses.

"No. It is not." I say through my teeth.

She grabs onto my arm, stopping my walking progress and I sigh.

"Please, talk to me. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. It's not worth you being mad at me. Can we be okay now?"

I look her over for a moment, still in her borrowed dauntless clothing.

I am not angry at her.

I am angry at myself.

"Beatrice, on your choosing day, I want you to pick dauntless."

She looks like all the wind has been knocked out of her at my words.

"W-what?"

I nod a little.

"It's so obvious that you belong there. I can't keep you here with me, I don't even want to be here. We should just…give up on this stupid courting. I'm sorry I ever dragged you into this."

"You're kidding, right? This is a joke?"

I shake my head slowly.

"No. it's not. I'm sorry, Beatrice."

She blows out a breath.

"How dare you…" She says softly.

"What?"

"How dare you try to tell me how to live my life!? You think you're holding me back so you're trying to be all noble but god, Tobias don't you see what's happening!?"

I shake my head slowly.

"No! Why are you so upset?"

"Because! I'm falling in love with you and you're breaking up with me!" Her cheeks are flushed a bright pink color and she's breathing hard.

"…You're falling in love with me?" I say slowly.

She nods a little.

"Isn't it obvious?"

Just like that, I know without a doubt that I am falling in love with her too and I can't turn back now.

"…I can't keep you here. It's selfish." I breathe.

She shakes her head.

"Not if it's what I want to, and it is! I want to stay in abnegation with you. We can get married and you can finally move out of your father's house and we can start a family and be happy together just like my mom and dad. We can have that. You just have to believe in me enough. I can be abnegation. I can."

"Do you hear yourself? You are sacrificing who you are to be with me…I can't….I can't let you do that!"

"Please don't do this." Her face crumples and I can tell that tears are coming. "I don't care. I don't. You are the reason that I can make it through my day. Make it through Caleb constantly condescending me and my father's ever-watchful eye and school, and everything else. Please."

"You'd do so well in dauntless."

"I don't want to be dauntless." She says firmly. "I want to be abnegation, with you."

I run my hands over my face and let out a sigh.

"Oh…Beatrice…"

"Tobias, I know it's a leap of faith. I know it seems crazy and I know that you think I'm all these things that I'm not but…I promise you. Nothing, not even dauntless can bring the color into my world that you have. Please don't take that away from me. Please."

I watch her, her flushed cheeks and golden hair framing her face.

She's so damn beautiful that it hurts.

"If I were dauntless I would kiss you right now, so hard that your lips would hurt."

I watch a breath go through her and wonder if her heart just fluttered the same way mine did.

She looks down at herself and then her eyes move over my clothing. We are both still in dauntless black.

"You look pretty dauntless to me." She says softly.

It's still dark.

No one in abnegation is awake.

I could kiss her right now and not a single person would know about it.

She reaches out and touches my black t-shirt, her hand balling into a fist as she tugs on it. I take a couple steps closer to her and lift one hand to press against her cheek.

"If I kiss you right now, there's no turning back Beatrice. You're mine."

She nods a little bit.

"I know that. I have been yours since the moment you touched my shoulder in that alleyway." She breathes.

My lips are inches away from hers.

They are shaking like two little leaves and it makes me grin.

I lick my bottom lip and then slowly lean in and press my lips to hers.

Her lips are soft and they fit mine almost perfectly.

I have never kissed anyone before, but I'm positive that this is what a perfect kiss is supposed to feel like.

I kiss her softly at first and then harder, more intense as I grip her tank top tightly.

She pushes a hand up my T-shirt and I am so surprised that I let out a gasp against her lips. Her cold fingers touch the skin on my stomach and I am on fire.

I pull my lips away from hers, but she keeps her hand where it is.

"Tris…" I breathe, shaking my head slowly.

"Tris?" She questions, one eye brow raised.

"Oh. Crap, did I say that out loud?'

She nods a little bit.

"…I call you that in my head sometimes. It fits you better, I don't know. It's a stupid nickname I guess."

She shakes her head.

"No…No I like it. Tris." She smiles.

I reach a hand out and brush my thumb across her lips.

"You just kissed me." She whispers.

I nod a little.

"Uh-huh."

"I want more." She whispers so softly that I barely hear here.

God, do I want to give her more, but I can't. Not now. Not here.

"One day." I say quietly and she pulls her hand from my stomach.

Light fills the street and we both realize the sun is only moments away from rising.

"I should go." She says softly.

I nod a little.

"You absolutely should."

She takes my hand.

"When will I see you?"

I think for a moment.

"I can come for dinner tonight."

She shakes her head hard.

"No. When do I get to _really_ see you?"

I let out a sigh, shaking my head.

"Oh, Tris. I don't want to get you in trouble."

She squeezes my hand.

"You won't."

I brush a finger along her cheek.

"Okay. How about I take you into dauntless again tomorrow night?"

She nods a little bit.

"Okay."

I nod a little and then reach up and tug on a strand of her hair.

I am having a very hard time not touching her at this point.

"I'll come for dinner too."

She smiles.

"I'd like that."

I press a kiss to her cheek.

"I'll hold your hand under the table."

She giggles softly.

"I'd like that too."

I pull away from her and untangle our fingers.

"Please go, before your father wakes up and finds you not in your bed."

"Okay." She says quietly.

"Tobias?"

"Beatrice." I say softly.

"I just…want to say that if you need someone to love you because Marcus doesn't…or can't and because Evelyn…" She trails off not finishing.

"I just want you to know that I can do that. I can love you."

Her words make my heart squeeze uncomfortably.

"Go home, Beatrice."

She nods a little and then takes off at a half-run towards her house.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry about the wait i've been working really hard writing and re-writing to make this fic the best it can be!**

**Please leave reviews! :) **

**One Week Later**

I am addicted to Beatrice Prior's lips, and that is all there is to it.

Every second I spend not kissing them is a second wasted.

We are pressed into an alleyway, the sun setting behind us, my hands scandalously squeezing her hips like she is my one life line and I'm about to lose her.

She pulls away from me, her lips still wet from when I'd daringly darted my tongue out to lick them.

"What?" I whisper softly, already leaning my head in to kiss her again but she tilts her head back just a little bit.

"Nothing. We just jumped right into this, I didn't even have time to ask you how your day was."

I pause for a moment, thinking.

My day was the same as it always is.

I woke up, I avoided Marcus and then I went to the factionless sector.

It hardly seems important right now.

I shrug a little.

"It didn't really start until I met up with you."

She smiles a little and I watch as a blush creeps onto her cheeks.

"Oh yeah? So how's your day going now?"

I shake my head a little.

"You tell me." I whisper and then press my lips against hers again, one hand reaching up to touch her cheek and then slide into her hair, clutching a hand full.

We continue to kiss like that for a long time, or it least it felt like a long time until I pulled away.

Then it felt like not enough time at all.

The alleyway is darkening as the sun goes down and I know without checking the time that it's time to send Beatrice home.

I let out a disappointed little sigh.

"You need to go home. You'll be late for dinner."

She looks up at me and nods a little.

"I know, but I don't want to."

I lean forward and press my lips against her forehead.

"Come with me," She begs in a soft breathy voice.

"To dinner? I've been to your house every night this week." I shake my head a little.

"I want your parents to think I'm courting you…not stalking you."

She frowns a little bit.

"I know…but…dinner is just so boring without you."

I touch my palms to her shoulders.

"Give it a few days. Okay?"

She nods reluctantly.

"Okay. Fine, then will you take me in to dauntless tonight?"

I shake my head no and she lets out a groan.

"Beatrice, it's dangerous."

"So is making out with me in an alleyway. We're not a very cautious couple of people clearly."

"Not tonight." I say firmly.

"When?"

"Beatrice…" I let out a low groan and push myself off of the wall.

"What? You can kiss me and possibly get me into trouble that way but you can't take me into dauntless with you? That doesn't seem fair. You can't just pick and choose when you want to protect me and when you want to put me at risk."

I close my eyes for a moment and then nod.

I love that she can call me out when I'm being ridiculous.

I also hate it.

"Alright. You're right. " I say with a sigh. "I will take you in to dauntless again. Besides, Zeke will probably lose it if he doesn't get to train you some more."

She is smiling though she tries to hide it.

"I like Zeke. He doesn't underestimate me just because I'm a girl like Caleb does."

I nod a little.

"Zeke grew up in dauntless. Girls are equals there." I look over her for a moment.

"…and Zeke sees you the same way that I do. Strong, capable and completely beautiful."

"The last part might be a little biased."

"Sue me."

She shrugs a little bit. "I would, I just don't know any candor." She grins a little bit and I shake my head.

"Go home, Beatrice."

"I'm on it…" She mumbles as she picks up her schoolbag and slings it over her shoulder.

"See you soon." She says softly before she turns and makes her way out of the alleyway towards her house.

…

It isn't until two days later that I meet Beatrice at the front doors of the school as soon as the final bell rings.

The smile that takes over her face when she sees me is breath taking. I watch as she makes her way towards me and Caleb trails behind her, always watching us so closely.

Mostly it makes me laugh because Caleb has no idea what we do or have done in dark alleyways when no one is looking.

"Tobias." She greets me politely. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

I hold out a long stem rose out to her.

"I thought I'd stop by and see if I could you walk you home." She takes the rose from me and I turn my gaze to Caleb.

"With your brother's permission and presence, of course."

Caleb rolls his eyes and starts walking quickly ahead of us.

Beatrice smiles up at me.

"He hates being the chaperone but he'll never admit it out loud because it makes him sound selfish."

I watch Caleb's retreating back and let out a long sigh.

"It's going to be hard for him to let you go, I can tell."

"What do you mean?" She asks curiously, looking up at me.

"After your choosing day, when you get married and move out…it's going to be hard for him. He loves you a lot. I can tell. He's just not always sure how to express it."

She takes my hand and I raise my eyebrows in surprise. We shouldn't be touching like this, not while Caleb is watching.

"Maybe that's how it is for your parents too."

I close my eyes for a moment and then shake my head.

"That's really different, Beatrice. I wish it wasn't…but it is."

She let's go of my hand and sighs.

"Have you talked to your mother at all since…?" she trails off.

I shake my head slowly.

"No."

"I'm sorry." She says quietly.

"Don't be. It's no big deal. Listen…" I glance at Caleb still walking a good distance ahead of us.

"I'm going into dauntless tonight, do you want to come?"

"Yes!"

Caleb turns to look back at us curiously at Beatrice's exclaim and she immediately lowers her voice.

"Sorry…" She whispers. "I just mean yes, I want to come."

I nod.

"Okay. I'll see you tonight then."

She nods enthusiastically as we continue the walk to her house, Caleb keeping an even closer eye on us than before.

…

I'm late when I finally shut my front door quietly behind me and find that Beatrice is already here, waiting for me.

She sits across the street from my house on the cement, her legs spread out in front of her.

As I approach, she starts to stand.

"Finally…I thought you ran into trouble or something."

I shrug.

"Marcus has been going to sleep later than usual. I have to be really careful."

Beatrice lets out a small sigh.

"Stop." I say, slightly annoyed.

"Stop what?" she protests.

"Feeling sorry for me, I can hear it in your sigh."

She rolls her eyes.

"I don't feel _sorry_ for you. I _worry_ about you."

"Well stop worrying about me, then."

"Too late. It comes with the territory of being courted."

I roll my eyes as we start to walk towards the train tracks.

"Is it _so_ awful that I care about you?"

"Not awful, just unwise maybe."

"Okay, that's it. _Stop_ it."

She stops walking in favor of crossing her arms over her chest and staring at me.

"What?"

"Can you just accept the fact that I love you and be happy with that?"

I stare at her for a moment and then run my hands over my face.

"Who says I'm not happy?"

"You do. Every time that you say I shouldn't care about you or that I should pick a faction other than abnegation."

"I just want what's best for you."

"You are what's best for me. My whole world changed the day you walked into it."

I know she's right.

If I want any chance at this relationship succeeding I need to stop subconsciously trying to sabotage it.

"I'm sorry. I'm just not used to having something good in my life. It takes some getting used to."

She doesn't respond but she does continue walking the path to train tracks and I take that as a resolve.

Once we actually reach the tracks it only takes a few minutes for the train to roll by.

I take off at a run and I feel Beatrice's heavy footsteps beside me.

"Do you want help?"

I yell over the roar of the train.

"Do I ever?" She yells back.

I can't help grinning as I grab onto the side of the train compartment and even though she refuses it every time, I still hold a hand out to her to help her on, just in case.

…

Before we even get to the dauntless training room, I can tell that something is wrong.

The air feels somber and compressed….not the joyous, rambunctious air that it usually is.

If Beatrice feels it too, she doesn't say anything.

When we finally reach the training room, its empty.

Usually Zeke or Shauna and Christina are hanging out waiting for us to show up but today there is no one.

"They probably just didn't expect you to come today." Beatrice says quietly, but I can't shake the sinking feeling in my stomach.

Something is wrong.

"You could train a little on your own, can't you?" Beatrice asks.

I can but training is the last thing on my mind right now.

"I want to try and find Zeke."

Beatrice nods.

"Alright…"

I haven't spent too much time outside of the training room so when we venture out, I have no idea where we're going or where Zeke could possibly be.

I start off in the direction that I have seen Shauna go when she's heading to bed with Beatrice trailing behind me.

When I hear voices, I panic.

We are dressed like dauntless members but anybody actually _in _dauntless wouldn't buy it for a second.

I duck behind a wall and pull Beatrice with me as the voices come closer.

"I did what I had to do, Max. You told me I had full reign over the initiates—"

"But she passed initiation. What you did it was beyond—"

"She wasn't really dauntless. I gave her a choice. She chose wrong."

"There is a huge difference between giving someone a choice and setting someone up to fail, Eric."

I can hear Beatrice breathing beside me so I gently cover her mouth with my hand.

Nothing can give us away if the people in the hall are who I think they are.

The notorious Eric and the current dauntless leader, Max.

"Jeanine said that I did the right thing. Maybe you should take it up with her."

"Jeanine isn't the leader of this faction, Eric. Let us not forget that."

Eric lets out a laugh that doesn't sound one ounce Joyous.

"Yeah, leadership of this faction might be changing hands very soon if you don't jump on board with this. Stand behind me, Max, get the rest of them on board or you might find yourself out of a job."

We listen as a pair of footsteps make it's way down the hall.

Moments later, the other pair follows suit.

I take my hand from Beatrice's mouth and she looks up at me, concern etched on her face.

"What the hell happened?"

I shake my head slowly.

"I have no idea, but I have to find Zeke."

I need to make sure that he is okay.

I need to make sure that my friends, who have helped me _so_ much are okay.

I take Beatrice's hand and eventually we find ourselves lost.

"Don't you know where Zeke goes to sleep?"

I shake my head.

"No. The only time we've interacted has been in the training room, if he's not there, I don't know where else he'd be—"

"Looking for Zeke?"

I turn my head quickly and find myself looking at a girl that I'd only met once before.

She was on the train the first night I ever came to dauntless and her name is Marlene.

"Yes. Marlene, right?"

She nods a little.

"I'm guessing _you're _the stiff he won't ever shut up about, seeing as I don't recognize you."

I nod a little.

"It's really dangerous for you to be here right now. It wasn't the best of days."

"I'm sensing that." I say slowly. "What happened?"

"First things first. We should find Zeke."

She starts walking and I follow her without a second though, Beatrice on my heels.

She leads down a few hallways and then eventually we reach an apartment.

"Zeke and Shauna live here, well mostly Zeke but Shauna never stays anywhere else."

She knocks lightly on the door and we only have to wait a few moments before it swings open.

As I look around the tiny apartment I find myself slightly shocked by how many people are inside.

Al is here along with Uriah and Will, all of whom I'd only ever met that first night on the train with Marlene.

They are all passing a bottle of amber liquid around.

Zeke looks up at the doorway and spots me but he doesn't smile as usual.

"Stiff. Beatrice." He says quietly. "I didn't know you were coming today."

He seems lost, I've never seen him this way and it's slightly unnerving.

"Yeah, your poor little trainee's were wondering around the compound completely lost. You really need to keep an eye on these two with Eric on the rampage."

Zeke nods a little bit.

"It's probably a good idea if you guys didn't come for awhile."

The bottle makes it's way to him and he takes a long drink before passing it to Shauna, who has tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Why? What's going on?" I ask staring around at them all.

Shauna sniffles a little bit.

"It's Christina." She says quietly.

Will closes his eyes when Shauna says her names.

"What happened?" I press.

Uriah looks up at me.

"We lost her."

I shake my head, not quite understanding.

"What do you mean?"

Shauna shakes her head slowly.

"Eric…" She starts bug can't finish.

Al looks up at us, his shoulders slumped.

"Someone picked a fight with her. Some dauntless-born girl…" He trails off and Uriah passes him the bottle and he takes a long drink from it.

"In dauntless you don't back down from a fight and with Eric's new rules, you never _ever_ walk away." Zeke says quietly.

"She walked away because the girl broke her rib."

Beatrice winces beside me and I take her hand.

"Eric didn't like it so he…he held her over the chasm." Shauna whispers.

I shake my head a little.

"Is she okay?"

She has to be okay.

She just has to.

I knew her, I talked to her, she was a friend.

Zeke shakes his head.

"Her fingers slipped on the railing." Al hands him the bottle and he downs whatever's left of it and Shauna opens up another.

"…To Christina." Shauna mumbles and hands the bottle to me.

I take it and stare down into the bottle for a moment and then bring it to my lips and take a swig.

"To Christina." I whisper, my throat still burning from the alcohol.

"He held her over the chasm?" Beatrice whispers like if she says the words any louder she might shatter something.

"This isn't because of the fight." Will says quietly. "This is because she wouldn't give him the time of day."

Zeke lets out a small sigh.

"Will—"

"It is! He tried to get her to go out with him multiple times and every time she turned him down things just got worse for her. It was bullshit."

"Well yeah. The girl that picked a fight with her, Dana…." Uriah shakes his head. "I know her. She didn't have a problem with Christina. It's obvious that Eric sent her after her on purpose. He picked someone bigger that he knew Christina wouldn't be able to fight off so that he would have a reason to 'teach her a lesson'."

"That's cruel." Beatrice whispers beside me. I turn a little to look at her and I'm surprised that the bottle has made it's way to her hands.

She takes a swig and then passes it on.

I don't blame her.

This situation is hard to grasp.

"That's Eric." Will whispers.

"To Christina." Al says and we all mimic him.

…

An hour and a half later we are all exceptionally drunk. Shauna is passed out on Zeke's shoulder and he's nodding off as well.

Will left earlier claiming he needed to be alone for awhile.

Al, Marlene and Uriah are in the other room, talking in loud, drunk voices.

Beatrice and I are sitting on Zeke's bed doing exactly what we always do when we have time alone together.

Kissing.

Beatrice pulls away, chewing on her bottom lip.

"I feel guilty…"

I nod a little bit.

"I know…I do too." All I feel is guilt and a light buzz moving through my veins.

"…but I think Christina would've wanted us to go on as normally as possible."

Beatrice nods a little bit.

"I didn't know her all that well but she was nice to me when I met her." Beatrice is quiet for a long time.

"I don't know anything about death. Is that weird?"

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"I think you're drunk." I say quietly.

"I am, but the question still makes sense."

"No, it isn't weird. You've never had to deal with death. It makes sense that you don't know anything about it."

"I don't want to die."

I stare at her for a long moment and then shake my head slowly.

"You're not going to. I would never let that happen. Why would you say something like that?"

She shrugs her shoulders a little.

"I don't know. This whole 'Christina' thing is really messing with my head."

I lean forward and press a kiss to her forehead.

"You're safe with me." I whisper.

She wraps her arms around my neck and presses her lips to mine again.

She presses herself against me, one hand moving up and under my t-shirt.

I pull away quickly and she stares at me, disappointed, breathing hard.

"Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Pull away when I try to make things…more intimate." She blushes at the end of her sentence.

I know the reason, but I don't know how to put it into words.

I am so afraid of love that it almost cripples me.

I've never had it, I don't know how to navigate, the closer I become to Beatrice, the more I'm terrified.

I shake my head quickly.

"It's not you. You're wonderful."

"Then what is it?" She presses.

"I…I don't want things to go to fast. We're still abnegation, Beatrice and I want to do things right by you. I want to marry you."

"I know that but it's something else, I can tell."

I let out a small sigh.

"I told you before, you scare me."

"Why?"

I don't respond to her, but I don't have to. She reacts to my unspoken words anyway.

"Tobias. You deserve to be loved."

I close my eyes and let her words wash over me.

"You deserve to be loved and taken care of and cherished and—"

"Stop."

"No. I will not _stop_ saying nice things to you. You deserve nice things to be said to you."

I stare at her for a moment and every emotion I have ever felt about her comes rushing all at me at once and then I realize I cannot go back to my father's house.

I have to leave.

Tonight.

With Beatrice.

"Runaway with me." I whisper.

"What?"

"Yes. Why wait for another year for choosing day when we can just go now and be..." I trail off for a moment.

"Be what? Factionless? Tobias, we can't do that."

"Why not?"

She shakes her head.

"Because we need a faction that's just the way the world is. I cannot be one of those people that my mother helps everyday. I just can't. We have to wait." She takes my hand and squeezes it.

"We'll wait, and the second, I mean the _second_ my blood touches those grey stones we'll get married. We'll move in together and we will have a perfect abnegation life, Tobias. I promise."

"I can't wait, Beatrice."

"You _have_ to." She breathes. "Please."

"I can't go back there. I just…"

"Hey…hey…" She presses her hand to my cheek. "You can do this. You can. You're strong enough to defend yourself now. Stay on the straight and narrow and if for whatever reason he tries anything…fight back."

She's right.

I know she is.

Leaving now doesn't make any sense, but that doesn't change how badly I want to.

"Okay. We'll wait."

She nods a little both hands rubbing my cheeks lightly.

"I love you, Tobias Eaton." She whispers and I know it with every fiber of my being even when she doesn't say it.

I just have to hold on to that for another year.

One more year.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hi guys! Sorry about the wait! I've been figuring out where I want this story to go. Just so you're aware, there will be a time jump pretty soon here and you will finally get to see whether Beatrice picks Abnegation or Dauntless :) **

**thank you for loving me and my writing enough to follow this story. **

**Again, sorry for the wait. **

"Tobias!"

I wake up with a jolt to Marcus screaming my name, which doesn't help my already throbbing brain.

Note to self:

Apparently, alcohol is always a bad idea.

The events of last night slowly filter into my brain and my heart squeezes when I think of the Beatrice-filled parts.

I will never get enough alone time with her to feel completely satisfied.

My mind drifts to Christina for a moment and I am unprepared for the sadness that fills me.

Greif, when not masked by alcohol, is hard to sift through first thing in the morning.

"Tobias!"

Marcus' voice vibrates through the walls again and I let out a groan before I pull myself out of bed and make my way down the stairs to him.

"Good morning." I mumble once I finally reach him at the kitchen table.

I am trying my best to keep it together, despite my throbbing head and slightly queasy stomach.

He looks me over for a moment, his eyes slowly taking inventory of me.

"You look like hell."

"Couldn't sleep." I say quickly.

He looks me over again but he doesn't press the subject and for that, I am grateful.

"You're going to start working in my office again. Understood?"

My heart stops.

The few precious hours I have in the factionless sector are my only haven apart from Beatrice.

I need time away from his constant threats and ever-watchful eye.

I don't know how else to survive.

The feeling of suffocation is almost instant.

No.

Not again.

I can't go back to working with him AND living with him everyday.

I just can't.

"What? Why?"

He looks up at me with one eyebrow raised, silently reprimanding me for questioning him.

"Because I want to keep an eye on you, that's why."

"Bullshit." I mumble.

I don't know what makes me say it.

It could be the fact that my head is throbbing.

It could be the dauntless in me that I've been cultivating these past few weeks.

Regardless, it comes out without any warning and Marcus looks none-too-pleased about it.

I don't have any patience for him right now and regardless of the fact that I know without a doubt that I will pay for my insolence in bruises, I can't bring myself to care.

"_Excuse_ me?"

Marcus' voice is full of venom.

"I'm fairly certain I didn't stutter."

Then again, so is mine.

Marcus stares at me with wide eyes for a moment and uncertainty trickles through me.

The voice that I speak with is not my own.

It can't be.

The voice I am using now is the Tobias from dauntless, the Tobias that I'd never had the chance to know…

Well, until now.

Marcus stands up quickly already slinging his belt out from the loops of his pants.

I've watched him do this so many times, for so many different reasons during my childhood.

The fear it automatically instills in me is almost unbearable, but I know that if I am going to use my dauntless training, I have to fight that fear.

"I swear to god if you hit me with that, you'll regret it." The tone of my voice is volatile, dangerous.

The sound almost scares _me._

"Where is this selfish attitude coming from? _I_ did not raise you like this." Marcus hisses.

_Dauntless_, I think to myself but I keep my mouth shut this time.

"Turn around." He says slowly.

"No."

"I said. Turn. Around."

"I heard you." I say, continuing to face him.

He stares at me his head slowly shaking from side to side.

"What is it that you are trying to accomplish, Tobias? You know how this ends." He looks me up and down for a moment and then his lips curl into a smile.

"Turn. Around." He says again, emphasis on each word.

"I don't have to take orders from you anymore." I say softly, my heart beating so fast that I think my chest might break open.

He starts to move towards me fast, eyes on fire.

I don't think.

I don't really have time to.

I pull my arm back as Zeke's words about form trickle through my brain and then I push forward and I feel my fist connect with his face.

My knuckles connect with his jaw with a satisfying crunch.

"I told you you were going to regret it." I say softly as he stumbles back one hand holding his jaw.

He stands there for a moment and I can see the shock written all over his face.

I can practically see his brain trying to work it all out.

_How had little defenseless Tobias had the guts to fight back?_

He rubs his jaw for a long moment and then he lifts his eyes to look at me, rage coloring his face.

It's an expression I know all too well.

"How _dare_ you!" He hisses, spit flying from his mouth.

"What in the _hell_ have you been learning and who from?"

"You." I say softly. "You didn't think I was picking up on the abuse all these years?"

"Abuse?" He says, laughter in his voice.

"It's not _abuse_ when the subject deserves it."

"Yes, because when you're eight and you spill, it warrants a three hour belt session in every other abnegation household too, I'm sure."

"I am _trying_ to help you."

I roll my eyes a little.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"You have no IDEA of the things I've saved you from, the things I do for you. Believe it or not, I _protect_ you Tobias. You have no idea how much. If I hadn't coached you through your test, I doubt you'd even be alive right now."

"W-what?"

"You heard me. I am the reason that you are even alive."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your life and how I've spent mine protecting it."

"I don't understand."

"You aren't meant to. What you are meant to do is to follow my rules and do what I say."

"That's not fair. I'm an adult now, if I'm in danger you need to tell me."

My head is spinning. If this is Marcus' way of protecting me, I want to know what it is exactly he thinks he's protecting me from.

What could be so awful to warrant this kind of 'protection'?

Had my _life _really been saved by forcing an abnegation result out of me? I'd always assumed he wanted to keep me in abnegation so that he could control me for the rest of forever.

Maybe there was a different reason.

"Yes, Tobias. You are. You're an adult who is better off not knowing what you are."

"…What I am?" my heart is beating so fast I can practically hear it.

"They'd sniff you out quicker than you could say 'dauntless' if it wasn't for me."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter who."

"You're lying." I say quietly and Marcus lets out a loud laugh.

"What purpose do I have in lying to you? Like you said, you're an adult now."

I lift my shoulders just a little in a shrug.

"I don't know. You lied to me about Mom all these years. How am I supposed to know you're ever telling the truth?"

He freezes at my words and then he slowly turns towards me.

"Yeah…" I whisper softly. "I know she's still alive."

He stares at me for a moment as if not really believing my words.

"What would you like me to say to you?" he asks finally.

"The truth, for once."

He rolls his eyes for a moment and then shrugs his shoulders.

"The truth, Tobias? Your mother is a liar and a cheat and she didn't want you. You romanticize her because you didn't know her. If I were you, I would cut my losses and move on."

I stand there my body shaking from head to toe.

I have never hated anybody as much as I hate Marcus Eaton and I don't even know how to express it.

Before I even realize I want to, I am rushing at him.

I hit him once, twice, three times before he manages to push me off.

He grabs me and shoves me against the wall as hard as he can, his arm holding me there.

"Listen to me, little boy. I am only going to say this once. I am protecting you. You are going to keep doing exactly what I say so that I can _keep_ protecting me. Do you understand me?"

"You can't keep doing this to me for the rest of forever—"

Marcus pulls back and hits me hard in the mouth.

I am used to the abuse but somehow, this feels like more than what he's been doing to me for years.

This is not the discipline inflicted by the belt.

This is a man's fight.

"I'm going to marry Beatrice!" I manage to choke out. "Then I won't be here anymore. What will you do then?"

His lips curl into a smile.

"You'll be lucky if Beatrice even makes it to her choosing day with the way you two have been acting. Meeting at all hours of the night—"

"How do you know that?"

He doesn't answer me, but I don't like the expression on his face.

"If I were you, I would cut Beatrice loose too. You'll only be a danger to her in the end. and really Tobias…Women are hardly worth it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He lets out a small sigh.

"You're asking too many questions."

"You're being too vague. Tell me what's happening. What are you protecting me from? Is somebody after me?"

"I didn't say that."

I stare at him for a moment, my bottom lip is cracked and bleeding form where he'd hit me and the throbbing pain is only slightly distracting because I need answers.

"What _are_ you saying, then?"

He drops his arm, releasing me from his hold.

"Just keep yourself in line, Tobias."

…

I use the brief amount of mirror time I am allowed to stare at the bruise around my mouth.

I don't know what I'm going to tell Beatrice.

She is going to panic almost immediately when she sees my face and I want to at least, attempt to spare her the worry.

I doubt Marcus will be touching me again anytime soon.

Our dynamic has changed.

I am no longer a scared little boy and he is no longer my authority figure.

Now, we are two men.

When we fight, it is equal and I don't think Marcus likes that.

He's always been fond of taking advantage of people who are weaker than him.

I am no longer weak, thanks to Zeke.

I press my fingers into the bruise and let out a sigh before sliding the mirror away.

Marcus had gone to bed hours ago and he hasn't spoken to me since our fight earlier.

I am supposed to meet Beatrice very soon and even though Marcus claims to know about the fact that I sneak out to see her, I am still going.

I tidy up the bathroom out of habit and then head out into the night.

Beatrice is waiting for me at the bridge by the school.

I see her before she sees me.

She's sitting on the bridge, a book on her lap.

Her hair is coming out of her usual tight bun already but she hasn't fully taken it out yet.

She looks so focused and I almost don't have the heart to disturb her.

Almost.

I come up behind her my hands sliding easily over her eyes.

She reaches her hands up to touch mine.

"You're late." She whispers softly.

I drop my hands and move around so that I am facing her.

"I know. I'm sorry."

Her mouth falls open a little bit when she says the purple bruise near the corner of my mouth

After a moment or two she lets out a sigh.

"Are you alright?"

I nod a little bit.

"Yes."

She gives me a look that says she doesn't believe me.

I knew she wouldn't before the word even left my mouth.

"Beatrice. I promise. For one it looks way worse than it is—"

"You always say that."

I laugh a little.

"That's because it's always true."

Her eyes shift from my bruise to my cracked lip.

"It was different this time, Beatrice. I fought back."

"You did?"

She sounds like she's having trouble processing the words that I'm saying.

I get it.

I can barely believe what happened earlier either.

"I did."

"What happened?"

I run a hand through my hair and shrug a little bit.

"A lot actually, but we don't have to talk about it."

"One more year, Tobias. Just one." She says softly.

I nod a little bit and my eyes move to the book in her lap.

I nod my head towards it.

"What's that? Homework?"

She looks down at her lap and then quickly closes the book.

"Sort of."

I reach out for it and am surprised to find that I'm holding the manifestos.

I flip through it for a moment skimming the one for abnegation and then the one for dauntless.

I hand it back to her and she takes it from my hands slowly.

"What are you doing?"

She blows out a little breath.

"Nothing. Don't freak out. I'm not having second thoughts I'm just…" She lets out a small sigh.

"I'm just looking."

"Just looking?" I shake my head a little bit.

"Caleb says it's a good idea to familiarize yourself with the other faction manifestos…just…you know…in case."

I nod a little.

"In case you decide to pick a different one."

"Not…not necessarily. I just…got interested in the dauntless one…with everything that's going on there with Eric…I just wanted to look it over, that's all."

I shove my hands into my pockets and try not to look as upset as I feel.

"Don't be mad at me. I'm not—" She shakes her head.

"I've just been wondering, okay?"

I shake my head slowly.

"I didn't ask you to choose abnegation. I actually did the opposite."

"I know. That's not what this is about."

"Then what is it about?" I tilt my head a little.

She licks her bottom lip.

"Eric."

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Eric?"

She nods a little bit.

"I want to help dauntless."

"What do you mean?" I ask, sliding next to her in order to sit.

"Eric isn't following the manifesto. I mean…he is…but he's twisting it. That can't be…legal."

I shrug a little bit.

"Judging by the conversation we heard between him and Max I don't really think anybody besides Eric has a lot of say in dauntless right now."

"I know, but I want to help. Zeke…Shauna…they don't deserve this. No one does. Christina didn't deserve it either."

I let out a small sigh and lean my back against the bridge railing.

I know how she feels, I've been feeling the same thing but I know there isn't anything we can do.

We are a couple of abnegation.

We have no say in dauntless and neither of us ever will.

"Beatrice…" I say softly.

"What happened to Christina is horrible…but there isn't anything we can do about it. We're abnegation. We can't fix dauntless."

She turns towards me then, her eyes searching my face for a moment before she reaches out to touch my bruise.

She trails her fingers along it and I watch her chest as it rises and falls with each breath.

The moment is charged with something that I can't quite name.

"What's happening to you is pretty awful too." She says quietly.

I swallow hard trying to ignore the feeling her touch gives me.

Being around her is getting increasingly harder every day.

"You can't fix that either." I say softly.

She brushes her fingers across my lips slowly and it's all I can do to let a shaky breath.

"Maybe not…but I can try."

She leans forward and presses her lips to my bruise so softly that it almost feels like a whisper of a kiss rather than the thing itself.

She pulls back a little bit and then reaches her hands up to press against my chest lightly.

"You think I need to be fixed?" I ask in a voice so quiet that I'm surprised she hears it.

She shakes her head slowly.

"No…fixed isn't the right word. Healed maybe…"

"You think you can heal me?" My hands are shaking and I'm not really sure why.

"…I know I can." She whispers.

My heart is practically beating in my throat when I lean into kiss her.

Our lips move together seamlessly and it's impossible to stop, not that I want to.

She reaches up, wrapping her arms tightly around my neck and I rest my hands on her hips, squeezing tightly.

She lets out a soft sigh against my lips, it moves through me like a shiver.

She pulls away and I take the opportunity to attempt to regulate my breathing.

"You're shaking." She whispers.

I nod quickly.

"I am…" I lift my eyes just a little to look at her and I watch as her soft lips stretch into a smile.

"Do I make you nervous?"

I nod slowly.

"Yes."

There's no sense in lying to her.

She leans forward, her forehead pressed against mine for a long moment.

"Tobias…"

"Yes?" I say, my voice higher than it should be.

She doesn't respond.

Instead she presses herself against me, her arms wrapped tightly around me.

I let out a groan before I kiss her.

She is the most irresistible person I think I will ever meet.

As I kiss her the feeling to be close to her grows.

I want to touch and feel absolutely every inch of her but this stupid clothing is in the way.

She gently puts her hands underneath my T-shirt and as I let her feel along my stomach and then my chest, I know what we're doing is wrong by abnegation standards.  
I am just completely powerless to stop it.

"I need to be alone with you…"

She whispers the words against my lips and I wonder where on earth she learned to talk in that incredibly tantalizing breathy way that drives me crazy.

I squeeze her shoulders tightly.

"We are alone." I answer her

She shakes her head hard, her breath coming out in sharp gasps.

"Not like this. I need…" She bites down on her lip, trying to think of words to express herself.

She finds none.

Instead, she climbs into my lap her legs on either side of me, her lips pressing against mine in an eager sort of way.

She tears at my T-shirt her hands clutching and pulling, attempting to get it up and over my head without breaking the kiss all at the same time.

"Beatrice—"

I manage to get out between kisses but even that small words is almost impossible.

"Beatrice…Beatrice—"

No matter what I say it doesn't deter her reckless path.

"Beatrice! Beatrice! Stop!" I grab her hips and push her back enough to get her to stop. She looks up at me with wide eyes, breathing hard.

"Listen…I get it. I do…I…I feel the same way. It's almost entirely impossible for me to

be around you…but I'm not going to let that happen like this."

I watch as disappointment colors her face.

"Why?"

"Because…it's too special. _You're_ too special. I told you before. I want to do right by you, Beatrice. I want to do this properly."

"Meeting me in the middle of the night in secret isn't exactly proper."

I let out a small sigh and shake my head.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No! That's not what I—" She lets out a frustrated noise, and crosses her arms over her chest, turning away from me.

"Beatrice. Come on." I press.

"No! It isn't fair." When she turns back around I can see that her eyes are glossed over with tears that haven't quite fallen yet.

"What isn't fair?"

"You…everything…I…" She pauses for a moment, running a hand over her hair to push back the fly aways.

"Beatrice." I say softly, trying to get her to continue.

"I love you…" She says quietly, and the sound of her voice is almost heartbreaking.

"I love you too. You know that."

"Do I?"

I shake my head slowly.

"What do you mean?"

"Every time we start to do this you pull back. I know you have an intimacy problem but I'm sincerely starting to think that it's just me."

I stare at her for a long moment and then slowly shake my head.

"You think…you think that I don't want you?"

She sniffles and then shrugs.

"Beatrice…" I take her hand and press it against my chest, directly over my heart.

"Do you feel that?"

She nods a little.

"That's all you." I breathe out. "That accelerated heartbeat….that's because of you, Beatrice Prior. Don't you doubt for a second that I _want _you."

"So why are we denying ourselves?"

"Because…I want you, Beatrice. So much that it hurts sometimes, but not like this. Not when we're sneaking out in the middle of the night. Not against the rules. I want you, in the right way and in the right time. Can that be okay?"

She presses her hand to her mouth for a moment.

"I can't wait that long…" She whispers.

I close my eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath.

I can't stand this.

I am trying so hard to do the right thing, but the "right thing" has different definitions depending on where you are.

In abnegation, the "right thing" would be to wait until I married her. In dauntless, it wouldn't matter if I married her or not.

I let out a tiny sigh.

"Okay. I'm not asking you to wait 'till we're married. Just not tonight." I reach out and touch her cheek lightly.

"Okay?"

She nods a little.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." She looks down at her lap as she speaks.

"Its okay. I get it, really." I brush my thumb over her cheek.

Her bottom lip trembles a little as she looks up at me.

"I didn't think love was this completely insane."

I smile a little and then shrug.

"What, you thought it was going to be easy?"

She frowns for a moment.

"Doesn't it seem that way? Everything just sort of flows in abnegation. There isn't any conflict. This is so much harder than I expected."

"Beatrice. We aren't like the rest of abnegation."

I know the words are true but a part of me doesn't want them to be.

I was not meant for abnegation, and neither was Beatrice but we are both stuck here because of circumstance.

"I know. Which is the reason that I can't wait."

I put my arm around her and pull her close to me for a second, my chin resting on the top of his head.

"Everything is going to be okay Beatrice. I promise." She nestles into my chest and I feel her sigh.

"I hope so."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:**

**Howdy! **

**Just wanted to go over a couple things. Number one: The next chapter will have a year time jump. **

**Number two: This chapter a couple of mature things happen. I don't write anything too lemony because I just don't do that but some stuff happens so be prepared. **

**The other thing I want to say is this. **

**The reason I decided to make Beatrice the one who is eager for intimacy rather than Tobias is this. Beatrice from abnegation is suffocating. She doesn't belong there and everything about her is ready to try something new. **

**Tobias on the other hand is very set in his ways and is still trying to be a model abnegation citizen regardless of all the rules he's breaking. **

**Okay. I think that's all. :) enjoy and let me know what you think. **

Four days later when Beatrice shows up at my house I am completely taken off guard.

She stands there, a bowl of fruit in her hands and her hair up in a neat little bun with her oversized abnegation grey T-shirt hanging off of her shoulders like always.

"Beatrice." I say softly, tilting my head towards her for just a moment.

"What are you doing here?"

She lifts her shoulders slightly in a shrug.

"I thought I'd have dinner with you. You're always over at my house. I thought I could join you at yours."

I stare at her for a long moment.

The reason I am always over at hers is because dinner in the Eaton household usually consists of my father ignoring me while I eat in silence before finally making it up to my room at the end of the night.

"Well your house is much more fun. Trust me."

She smiles a little and I try to ignore how awkward this feels.

I haven't seen her since that night on the bridge and now that I _am_ seeing her, all the emotions from that night come rushing forward like an avalanche.

"Marcus isn't here." I say quietly. "There's a council meeting."

"Oh." I watch as disappointment takes over her face.

If Marcus isn't here that makes it inappropriate for us to have dinner together.

I should walk her home.

That is what a good, proper, abnegation man would do.

As I stand here, I realize that I am none of those things.

"Do you want to come in?"

She looks surprised at my words but she nods anyway and I lead her inside the house.

She looks around for a moment and then heads towards the kitchen.

There isn't much change in abnegation houses so she knows exactly where to go like it is her very own.

I watch as she starts taking things out for dinner.

Arranging the fruit she'd brought on plates, taking out an array of vegetables.

"Shouldn't I be cooking for _you_? Isn't that how it works when you come to _my_ house for dinner?"  
"Normally." She says starting to chop the vegetables, her hand guiding the knife easily.

"I'm just trying to show you what having an abnegation wife is like." She grins a little and I roll my eyes.

"I see. And you'll do this for me every night?"

She shrugs a little.

"If you're good."

I laugh and lean against the counter just watching her.

She's good with the blade.

I imagine she's had a ton of practice making dinner at home, but it's incredible to watch. She makes perfect little slices even when the knife slips a bit.

She continues her perfect dicing until the knife slips a little bit too much.

I see the blood before she even makes a sound.

"Ow!"

I move over to her, picking up her hand easily.

There's just a little slice on her right pointer finger.

Without thinking about it, I bring it to my lips and suck.

Her eyes flick up to mine quickly and I watch as her chest rises and falls just a little more quickly than before.

After a moment or two.

I pull her hand away from my mouth in order to look at it.

"Sorry…I just…" I bite down hard on my lip.

"…I wanted to stop the bleeding quickly."

She rubs her thumb over the cut and then nods.

"Well…thanks. You succeeded."

I can see her heartbeat in the vein trailing along her neck.

Her beautiful, kissable, smooth, soft neck.

I swallow hard, trying to control my own heart rate but it doesn't last for long.

Before I even realize what's happening Beatrice throws her arms around my neck and presses her lips to mine so hard that it throws me off balance a little bit.

It's like fire meeting gasoline.

We explode into a fiery, passionate mess of lips and arms and suddenly I am pushing her up against the wall one hand sliding up to grasp her T-shirt in my fist tightly to keep myself from removing it entirely.

She pushes herself up easily and then wraps her legs around my hips.

I know I should stop, every inch of me knows it but I can't bring myself to do it.

This feels too good.

Too perfect.

Too right.

Too dauntless.

I pull away and press my forehead against hers, breathing in deeply and she mirrors my own breathing for a moment.

"Why did you stop?" She asks.

I pull my head back to look at her.

"Because I want to take you upstairs."

I can practically see the breath catch in her throat, as her eyes get wider.

"…But I need to know that you're ready for that, that this is something you really want."

"Put your hand on my heart." She says quietly and I follow her instruction, resting my hand lightly on her chest.

"That's all you." She says quietly repeating my words from the other night.

She doesn't object when I start to move up the stairs, all the food completely forgotten.

I am lucky that I know the way to my bedroom by heart, because I'm far too focused on kissing her to pay attention to where it is that I am actually going.

Eventually we reach my bedroom and she falls backwards onto my bed easily.

She sits there holding her self up by the elbows and all of a sudden, I freeze.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do from here.

I've never done it before and even though I know that she hasn't either I feel a responsibility to know exactly what I'm doing.

"What?" She asks quietly, suddenly self-conscious from my lack of movement.

I shake my head slowly.

"Nothing…"

She chews on her bottom lip for a moment watching me.

"Tobias…come here…" She holds her arms out towards me and I fall into them, crawling over her, my lips pressing insistently against hers.

She pulls away abruptly and I watch as she pulls her t-shirt up and over her head.

She places it neatly next to her taking an extra long time to do so.

I assume it's because she's nervous about being this exposed to me.

I don't even know how she'd found the strength to remove her t-shirt in the first place.

When she finally faces me, her hair is spread all over her face from the T-shirt messing up her perfect abnegation hairstyle.

I reach up and pull her bun out of it's no longer perfect coil and watch as her hair settles down around her shoulders.

She is a literal goddess and I don't know how I got so lucky.

"You're very beautiful, Tris." I whisper because I'm afraid if I speak any louder the words won't come out right.

She doesn't answer me; instead she thrusts her hands underneath my t-shirt just feeling my stomach and chest for a moment before she yanks the whole thing off.

It's only when I hear her sharp intake of breath that I remember I am covered in scars, and bruises.

She presses a hand to her mouth her eyes taking in every scar.

I have never been this exposed-to anyone-and it only takes me a few seconds before I panic.

I quickly slide off the bed, searching for my t-shirt but I have no idea where it landed.

"Tobias wait…I didn't mean to react like that."

I hear her, but I don't stop searching.

"Tobias…hey, I'm sorry. Please come here…"

I find my T-shirt on the floor and scramble to pick it up and shove it back on.

She stares at me from the bed, still exposed, without a t-shirt to cover her simple white bra.

She crosses her arms over her chest, watching me for a long moment.

"I don't know what you were expecting." I say quietly trying to keep the resentment out of my voice.

"Tobias…" She shakes her head slowly. "It's fine…I don't…I just…wasn't expecting there to be so many. I didn't…I didn't prepare myself for it."

"Of course you didn't." I mumble and then I run a hand through my hair.

"Maybe you should just go home. I should've sent you home hours ago."

She lets out a tiny sigh and then shakes her head slowly.

"I'm not leaving. I know what you're doing."

"Oh really? And what's that?"

"You're pushing me away because you think I can't handle you now because of what I just saw."

I stay quiet because I hate that she knows me so well.

"Tobias…Please come back here."

"No. This was a bad idea anyway—"

"Tobias! I don't care! I don't. What are you so afraid of? I've seen it and I'm still here. I'm still here and I still love you just as much as I did ten minutes ago—"

"That is the problem!" I am surprised by the scream that leaves my mouth. I hadn't been expecting it and I don't think Tris had either.

"It's a problem that I love you?"

"You deserve someone who doesn't have a panic attack when you try to take his shirt off! I am…" I pause trying to think of a word fitting enough to describe me. "…damaged. I'm damaged. It isn't fair to you. It isn't, and I just…._can't_ do this anymore. Every day that I get closer to you it becomes clearer and clearer to me that we don't belong together, that you deserve better."

She sucks in a sharp breath.

"You don't mean that."

I don't respond.

She stares at me, one hand reaching up to touch her forehead.

"So that's it then? You're just…you're giving up?"

I cross my arms over my chest and shrug.

"I guess so."

She stays on the bed for a long moment, just staring at me and for a moment I think she's going to break down and cry but she doesn't.

She stands up and moves towards me her hands clutching the bottom of my t-shirt for a moment and then she pulls it up and off again.

I watch as the fabric falls to the floor.

She moves around me so she is facing my back and I feel her soft fingers trace one of my scars. Then she presses her lips to it.

"Tell me how you get each one."

I turn to face her.

"What?"

"We might as well get it over with. There are a million better reasons to run away, Tobias. I'm not going to let this be one of them. I'm not going anywhere."

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"The one you just touched…I think…was because I was late coming home from school."

"Okay…" She says softly and then I turn around.

Her fingers trace another one down the middle of my back.

"That was the night before choosing day. I don't remember why, but I remember it because it's in the middle and I couldn't sleep on my back that night."

She leans forward and presses her lips to that one too.

It goes on like that until there are no more scars for her to touch or kiss.

She moves to face me and takes my hand in hers.

"There. Now I know everything and I still love you. There is nothing to be afraid of."

I nod slowly.

"Thank you…"

"For what?" She says with a little smile.

"For being braver than me. For believing in us so much."

She pulls me close to her and wraps her arms around me for a moment, just holding me there tightly for a few moments.

"You're brave, Tobias." She whispers. "Where do you think I learned it from?"

I pull back and rest my hands on her cheeks for a moment before I lean forward to kiss her.

There's something different about this kiss than the many others I'd given to her tonight.

It's lighter but still terrifying.

I still don't know what I'm doing but my body completely takes over.

We fall into bed together like it is a choreographed dance.

At first we are a giant mess of legs and sheets and lips but eventually we find a nice balance and my body is aching to give her everything that she's been asking me for, without words, for the last couple of weeks.

I do a quick inventory of her body with kisses before locking eyes with her.

"Are you ready?" I breathe and she nods up at me but I can see the slight fear in her eyes.

"It's okay…" I say softly. "I've got you. I promise. Do you trust me?"

"…with my life." She says sounding slightly out of breath.

I lean down easily, pressing my lips to hers and then we lose ourselves in each other for the first time.

**Two Weeks Later**

"Tris, Come on, I've seen you hit ten times better than that." Zeke says as we both watch Tris hit the punching bag in the dauntless training room.

Almost everyone that we'd met in dauntless calls Beatrice Tris now. At first, I was slightly annoyed.

That's _my_ special nickname for her.

Then again, it fits her so well that I can't really be mad at other people for stealing it.

"Force!" Zeke says again as Beatrice pulls back and hits the punching bag harder.

"Good!"

Shauna sidles up next to me, and rests her arm on my shoulder.

"You know, she'd be great here."

I turn a little to look at her and the expression on my face must tell her that it's not a good topic.

"Whoa…your whole face just changed. Are you alright?"

I let out a small sigh and walk to the corner of the room and Shauna follows me.

"Yes. No…mostly no."

She raises an eyebrow.

"I know she'd be good here. I see it more and more everyday."

"And that's problematic for you because you want her in abnegation."

I nod slowly.

"Well, I can tell you one thing, She isn't going to pick dauntless on her own."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because she loves you too much. She wants to be with you. No matter what that means."

We both turn to watch her as Zeke instructs her how to use her legs.

"Does that make me selfish?"

Shauna tilts her head a little.

"I don't know. I think it makes you…in love."

"Yeah…even if it _does_ make me selfish I don't think I care. We're in too deep now."

Shauna looks at me, then over at Tris for a moment before tilting her head toward me.

"Whoa." She says softly.

"What?" I ask.

"You guys sealed the deal, didn't you?"

I can tell I'm blushing by the way Shauna's lips stretch into a smile.

_ Yes, Shauna, we sealed the deal. Once that night, and about six times after that night._

I think it, but I don't say it.

Shauna takes my silence as yes, anyway.

"Well good for you, Stiff." She says giving me a slight pat on the back.

We're quiet for a moment just watching Zeke and Tris and as Tris starts to head over my way, Shauna turns to me again.

"Just remember that it is _her_ choice, and no matter what it is the fact that she loves you won't change."

Tris bounces over, adrenaline running through her and falls into my arms, planting a kiss on my cheek.

Shauna pulls Zeke to the other side of the room and for a moment I forget everything.

I forget that we are in dauntless.

I forget that I am probably the most selfish person on the planet.

I forget that in a year Beatrice has to make the most important decision of her life.

I forget everything except what her lips feel like pressed against mine.

We stand there in the dauntless training room kissing, for hours, like we don't have one care in the world.

If I might lose her in a year, I might as well make the best of what I have.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Thank you all for being so patient. **

**Beatrice doesn't choose this chapter but she _does_ take her test so you have that to look forward to. **

**Please leave reviews! **

**Thanks!**

**One Year Later**

"Pick a number between one and twenty." Beatrice asks me, as we lay in the middle of the street halfway between her house and mine staring up at the stars.

It is very late but neither of us is ready to go home just yet.

It is safe here in abnegation at this hour.

No one else is awake, so there is no one to bother you about lying in the middle of the street. Besides that, we have an endless amount of time being that we both snuck out anyway.

"Um…sixteen."

"See, you do it too. You're so focused on the number because it's when you take your aptitude test and choose." She turns a little to face me.

"But it doesn't have any significance for me anymore. I've already chosen."

She crawls on top of me and I suck in a breath trying to keep myself together despite the amazing way her legs grip my hips.

"Oh yeah? I heard someone pretty important to you is taking her aptitude test tomorrow. That seems pretty significant to me."

"Really who?"

She wrinkles her nose and then leans down to kiss me.

She pulls away after a moment or two staring at me expectedly.

I laugh and then shake my head.

"Oh…okay. Now I remember." I reach up a hand to touch her cheek.

"The beautiful Beatrice Prior, how could I ever forget?"

She smiles a little.

"I'm nervous." She says softly.

I shake my head.

"Don't be. I told you, its real easy."

She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"Tell me about the simulation again."

"Okay. I will, but you have to get off of me."

"Why?" She says a small pout on her lips.

"Because it's impossible for me to concentrate like this."

She lets out a reluctant groan but slides off anyway and plants herself next to me.

"You go in, they'll give you a clear liquid, you'll drink it and then you'll find yourself in a simulation."

The first time I'd explained all this to her, she looked terrified, now however, she looks slightly excited.

"But I won't know I'm in the simulation right?"

My stomach tightens at her words. I still haven't told her that I had been aware during my test.

I hadn't told anyone that and if what my father said a year ago is actually true…I don't want to put her in danger by exposing her to what I am.

If it's even true that I am anything at all.

"Right." I say softly. "You'll go through a series of situations and the test will score you on how you respond to those."

She chews on her bottom lip for a long moment.

"Right. Okay. And I should try and respond how an abnegation would."

I let out a tiny sigh.

"No. You should respond how _you_ would. That's how it works. Besides it's all going to feel real to you. You won't have a choice."

She lets out a frustrated noise.

"You sound just like Caleb. 'Trust the test'. What if I can't trust the test?"

"You can."

I have been trying and failing over the last year to try and get her to take her test just like everybody else, with no particular preference in mind.

"I don't understand you. You want me in abnegation, don't you?"

I let out a little disbelieving laugh.

"Of _course_ I do."

"Then why won't you help me get an abnegation result?"

"Because that's not how the test works. Besides, even if you don't get abnegation on your test it doesn't necessarily mean you _can't_ choose abnegation."

"But _you _said that no one is ever really given a choice. You're_ supposed_ to choose the faction you get on your test."

I let out a long sigh.

She remembers absolutely everything, and she's so stubborn sometimes that it makes me crazy.

"I want you to take the test for you and get the result that you were meant to receive. I wish I had."

She frowns at me.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I shrug.

"It's complicated…Let's just say I got an abnegation result because that is what Marcus had intended for me. My life is a series of decisions that he's made for me."

She leans forehead and presses her lips to my forehead.

"Not for long."

I nod a little.

"Two more days."

It feels strange that the day is so close now.

"Exactly." She stands up quickly.

"I should get home. I have a big day tomorrow."

I stand up with her and nod.

"Yes. You should." I take her hand for a moment.

"After your test, I'll meet you right outside of the school, okay? We'll celebrate."

She leans up to kiss me and I rest my hands on her hips as our lips connect.

We stay like that for a long time, until eventually, Beatrice pulls away.

"I've got to go…" she whispers.

"I know…go…before I lose my self-control."

She smiles a little, squeezes my hand and then disappears down the dark street towards her house.

...

The first thing I notice when I get home is that all the lights are on.

Marcus had been asleep when I left and now, clearly he isn't.

He's known about the sneaking out for almost a full year now, almost to the point where it couldn't really be called sneaking out anymore, so that isn't what worries me.

What worries me is that he's awake and if he's awake that always means my life is going to get just a little bit more complicated.

Something is wrong.

I push the door open steeling myself for the ever familiar shout of 'Tobias!' but it doesn't come.

Instead I hear a voice that I haven't heard inside of this house in years.

"Trust me, I wouldn't be here if I didn't have to be. This is about our son."

Evelyn's voice sends a shock through my system. I hadn't spoken to her since that night with Beatrice and I am shocked as hell that she would step foot in this house ever again.

What is she doing here and why are they talking about me?

I pull the door quietly closed behind me and stand next to the hallway listening.

Marcus scoffs loudly and I cringe.

t's a sound I hear often.

Marcus it seems, can't take either one of us seriously.

"_Our_ son. He's _our_ son now? You haven't done anything for him in nine years, Evelyn!"

"Not by choice."

Marcus scoffs again.

"Not by choice? Sleeping with another man, Evelyn. _That_ was a choice."

It is quiet for a moment and I can almost feel Evelyn start to back down but then she picks herself right back up.

"You're right. It is a choice. There was also a reason behind that choice. Would you like to see the scars as a reminder?"

Silence follows her words.

"Evelyn, what do you want?" Marcus finally says.

"I want to talk to you about what is going to happen to this faction that you take so much pride in."

"I thought this was about Tobias."

"It's all connected."

"Wonderful." Marcus says in a tone that tells me he could care less about what Evelyn is trying to tell him.

"How long have you known that Tobias is divergent?"

"When did_ you_ finally figure it out?" He says accusingly, rather than answering her question.

"I put two and two together recently. You were always so watchful of him. I mistook it for love."

Marcus lets out a bitter laugh.

"I got suspicious when he was around six. It was confirmed to me after he took his aptitude test."

Evelyn lets out a long sigh.

"You do realize that keeping him here was a mistake."

"Keeping him here is keeping him safe."

"Do you really think it's wise to harbor so many divergents within your faction knowing what Jeanine Matthews is trying to do?"

"Jeanine Matthews won't touch abnegation, I'll make sure of it."

Evelyn scoffs.

"Are you that dense? Jeanine Matthews is _targeting_ abnegation. She's going to start here first!"

"Why?"

"Because she's hunting divergents and abnegation is full of them!"

The room is silent for a moment and I listen to the sound of Evelyn's accelerated breathing.

"Tobias isn't safe here anymore. None of them are."

"Is that what you came here to tell me? To hide my divergents?"

"No, I came here to protect my son, I don't give a damn about this faction. Not anymore."

Another silence fills the space.

"What do you want, Evelyn? Do you want me to send him to you and your little ridiculous band of factionless soldiers? Just because to them you are a leader doesn't mean that I think of you any differently than exactly what you are: a sad and pathetic woman with no morals. You are nothing to me. You are a stain on the spectrum of life and the best thing I ever did for you was fake your death."

If Marcus' words affect her she doesn't let it show in her voice.

"Insult me all you like. I came here to offer you my help. Factionless help. You're going to need it. We can be your allies. If you let us."

Marcus lets out a loud bitter sounding laugh.

"I thought you didn't care about this faction?"

"I don't." Evelyn says smoothly.

"So what's your goal then?"

Evelyn is quiet for a moment and I find that I'm waiting for her reply with bated breath.

"Do you want the help or not?" She presses eventually.

"You're crazier than I thought if you think I would ever work with you for any reason."

"Your faction is going to burn to the ground if you don't accept my help."

There is silence again for a moment and then I hear Marcus's shoes move quickly across the floor.

He must be extremely close to Evelyn now because when he speaks again it is in a whisper that I barley hear.

"So be it."

"I won't offer you this help again." Evelyn says in a steady voice.

"Get out." Marcus says dryly, though I don't hear any footsteps.

"Get out!" Marcus screams again after another moment or two and Evelyn's footsteps sound heavy and fast as she makes her way to the front door.

A few seconds pass and she walks right in front of me, hidden in the shadows of the hallway.

She stares at me for a few seconds and I watch her chest rise and fall with heavy breaths for a moment and then she pulls me into an unexpected hug.

I haven't hugged her in years and though I'm still angry with her for absolutely everything, I have to hug her back.

She smells like my childhood and every night that I'd lied awake in bed wishing that I could talk to her comes back to me.

She pulls back after a moment or two and touches my cheeks with her hands.

"If you want answers, real ones, you know exactly where to find me." She whispers and then she's out the door like she was never really there at all.

For a moment, I stand there frozen trying to process everything that I'd heard before I step out into the living room.

Marcus is still standing there, staring at the spot Evelyn had probably just vacated.

"Is that what I am?" I say quietly. "Divergent?"

He turns to face me for a moment and then lets out a long sigh.

"When you took your aptitude test…" Marcus starts slowly. "Were you aware during the simulation?"

I remember him asking me this very same question the day of my test and I remember lying about it.

Now doesn't seem like the time to lie though.

I nod my head slowly.

"Yes. I was."

Marcus watches me for a moment.

"Yes. That's what you are."

"What does it mean?" I counter immediately, my body tingling with anticipation.

"It means you threaten the system."

"What?"

"You don't conform to one way of thinking. You don't fit into any one faction."

My head is spinning.

That can't be true.

I'm abnegation.

Aren't I?

I shake my head hard.

"No…I got an abnegation test result."

Marcus lets out another tired sigh.

"Yes, because I instructed you that way. If I hadn't…your test results would have been inconclusive."

I feel like I can't breathe, like I'm underwater and there is no way for me to get to the surface.

"So I really am in danger?"

"I've kept you alive this long, haven't I?"

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now."

I try to ignore the heat rising beneath my skin.

I don't want to cry but I can already feel it.

"Abnegation is in trouble."

"I will take care of abnegation." Marcus says firmly and then he tilts his head in my direction.

"I'll take care of you too."

There isn't anything sinister about his words, it's almost comforting.

It sends my brain into shock overload.

"Is what she said true? Is Jeanine Matthews hunting divergents?"

Marcus shakes his head for a moment before responding.

"Your mother is exaggerating. She's reacting without knowing the entire story. I have everything under control."

For some reason that is beyond me, I trust him.

Maybe it's because he's done a pretty good job of running this faction all these years.

Maybe it's that I don't want to believe anything bad can happen in perfect abnegation.

Mostly though, I think it's because I don't want anything to stop me from proposing to Beatrice in two days time after the choosing ceremony.

"I'm going to bed." I say softly.

Marcus nods a little.

"I think that would be wise." He mumbles before I disappear up the stairs.

…

Nerves course through me as I wait for Beatrice outside of the school. I stand on the opposite side of the street, my back pressed against the wall, one foot pressed against the same wall.

I don't know why I'm so nervous but I can't shake the feeling.

She should be finishing any second now and I can't help but keep glancing at the door.

She'll get an abnegation result.

Of course she will.

How could she get anything else?

She's lived here her whole life.

It's second nature for her to think like an abnegation, isn't it?

Ninety-five percent of people get the faction of their origin.

Ninety-five is a large number.

I look up for a moment and see a flash of blonde hair sprinting out the back door of the school and I take off at a run to catch up with the blonde blur that I know is Beatrice.

I would know her anywhere.

She's walking so quickly that I almost think I won't be able to catch her for a moment.

"Beatrice!"

She doesn't turn back to look at me.

"Hey! Beatrice! Wait!"

I finally catch up to her and I am completely out of breath.

I touch her shoulder and she looks up at me, her face paler than I've ever seen it.

"Hey…what…where are you going?"

She shakes her head a little.

"Home…I'm supposed to go straight home."

I narrow my eyes a little bit.

"What? Why?"

She bites down on her lip and chews on it for a moment.

"…The serum made me sick."

I shake my head slowly.

I can tell she's lying to me by just the sound of her voice.

"Why are you lying to me?" I ask softly.

She looks down at the ground for a moment, shaking her head slowly.

"I'm not. I just really have to get home."

She starts to turn but I grab onto her arm and she turns back around to face me.

"You really think I'm going to let you go that easy? Tell me how your test went."

She's quiet for a moment and then she looks up and locks eyes with me.

"I got an abnegation test result." She says quietly.

I let out a soft breath of relief.

"You did? Beatrice, that's great." I pull her into a hug, holding her tightly to my chest for a moment, but something still doesn't feel right.

I pull back slowly my eyes searching her face for some indication of what's wrong but there is nothing there.

"Why aren't you happy?"

I feel light-headed.

Everything is about to change.

I can feel it like static in the air.

She takes a deep breath and looks away from me.

"Beatrice, what's wrong?" I ask, my voice breaking on the words.

"I'm not supposed to tell anybody." She says quietly.

"I'm pretty sure I'm not just anybody." I take her hand and hold it tightly for a moment.

"After all this time, you don't trust me?"

"I trust you with my life that's not the problem."

"Then why won't you tell me what happened?"

"Beatrice." I say firmly and she takes another deep breath.

"I did get an abnegation result." She says softly.

I nod.

"Okay…." I know there is more to come but she takes her time divulging the rest.

"…But I also got an Erudite result and a Dauntless one."

My mouth goes dry and I feel like I can't breathe and maybe never will be able to again.

"That's impossible."

She lifts her shoulders just a little bit.

"I thought so too until today."

We are both quiet for a moment.

My head is spinning.

She showed aptitude for three different factions.

_Three._

"The woman who gave me my test said…she said it's called…" She trails off for a moment, staring at the concrete.

I shake my head a little.

"Divergent." I finish for her.

She stares at me for a moment, her mouth opening just a little bit.

"How do you know that word?"

"Is that what she said?" I press.

She watches me for a moment and then nods her head slowly.

My blood runs cold.

No.

_No._

Not her.

NO.

I run a hand through my hair and then shake my head hard like it might change what I'd just discovered if I shake it hard enough.

"It's bad, isn't it? You know what it means?" She asks.

My hands are shaking when I drop them from her shoulders.

I can't answer her.

I can't speak.

I don't know what this means for us.

I don't know what any of it means.

We are not safe.

"Tobias? How do you know that word?" She asks again and I slowly lift my head to look at her.

"Please talk to me, I'm scared enough as it is."

"I know it because I'm divergent too." I say quietly.

She shakes her head slowly.

_"What?_ Why didn't you tell me?"

"For the same reason you were debating whether or not you should tell me. Besides, I didn't have a name for it until last night."

She runs a thumb across her bottom lip, lost in thought for a moment.

"Hey…" I say quietly and reach a hand to touch her cheek. "I promise that you have nothing to be afraid of. I'm going to keep you safe whatever that means, okay?"

"This doesn't change anything between us. I can still pick abnegation. That's what the woman who gave me my test manually entered."

I nod slowly.

"That's perfect." I reach both hands up and push my hands into her hair and press my forehead against hers.

"We can be safe here." I press a kiss to her forehead. "I'll keep you safe." I whisper but even as the words leave my mouth I wonder if I can keep that promise.

Marcus claimed that he had everything under control but what if what Evelyn had said was true?

What if abnegation is on it's way to crumbling?

I let out a soft sigh and start to pull away but Beatrice just holds me tighter.

"No. Don't let go." She whispers.

I pull her close again, breathing her in.

"We have to get you home before someone starts to worry."

She shakes her head.

"It's early and I don't want to go home. I want to be with you."

Marcus won't be home for hours and I don't want to be away from her either.

"Okay..." I say softly. "Come home with me."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: **

**Hi guys! Beatrice finally chooses in this chapter so yay for that. **

**This chapter is pretty long, I thought about splitting it into to two but I didn't want to leave you guys in suspense that long since I might be a little longer getting the next chapter up. **

**Anyway, consider it read appreciation. **

**You guys rock. **

**As always, please don't hesitate to let me know what you thin**k.

When we finally get to my bedroom, at first we just lay on my bed together in silence, her small head resting on my chest and my arms gently wrapped around her.

Eventually I tell her about Evelyn's visit, leaving out the part about abnegation harboring divergents and the possible hunt for them led by Jeanine Matthews.

She pushes herself up off of my chest to look down at me.

"She came out of hiding just to talk to your father about you being divergent?"

My stomach twists as I nod my head yes and lie.

"Why now? Why not years ago?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"Don't ask me to try and figure out why my parents do the things that they do."

"Your parents are crazy."

I let out a snort.

"Don't I know it."

I run my fingers across her forehead and smirk.

"So we both have weird brains, huh?"

"They're not weird just…" She chews on her bottom lip. "…just…" she trails off for a moment and I raise my eyebrows at her.

"What?"

"I don't know. I guess I don't really understand why this is such a bad thing."

"What do you mean?"

"So what if I'm selfless and smart and brave? Can't I be all three?"

I watch her for a moment, my mouth stretching into a sad smile.

"There isn't a faction for that, Tris."

She breathes out a little sigh.

"Why does there have to be?"

"Because the alternative is being factionless."

"There's something wrong about that."

I let out a small sigh and shake my head.

"Don't." I say softly.

"Don't what?"

"You know what. You're a fixer. You like to fix things. You do it with me all the time and now you're trying to do it with the faction system but you can't. The faction system is bigger than you and me, Tris. We can't change anything."

"So what are we supposed to do then?"

"We do what we're told, we take our tests and we choose. We can't be selfless and smart and brave. We _have _to choose. That's the point."

"But…isn't the point that we _can't _choose? We're divergent."

I shake my head a little but I don't respond.

I don't know what to say.

She's right.

People like us…it's impossible for us to choose, but we don't have another option.

No one does, divergent or not.

Everyone has to choose.

After a moment or two, she settles back into my chest and I rub my palm along her arm lightly.

"It's going to be okay. I promise. Everything can still go according to plan. We can still have that perfect abnegation life we've been dreaming off, Beatrice."

She lifts her head up for a moment, smiling a little.

"I know. It's the only thing keeping me going right now."

And then she leans down to kiss me and I lose every ounce of self-control that I have and let myself show her just how much I love her.

…

Even though Beatrice had gone home hours ago, my bed still smells like her.

My pillows and sheets are lightly scented with the soft smell of soap and strawberries.

I'm almost certain that I could bury myself in that scent for the rest of forever and never get tired of it.

It's over-whelming to think that I'm going to be able to have that scent in my bed all the time soon, never fading away, that is if everything goes according to plan.

Right now, I'm not entirely sure that it will.

After everything I'd heard Evelyn say, I can't really be sure of anything.

Marcus doesn't seem to be particularly worried about the information she'd shared, but Evelyn had risked everything just to come and warm him about it.

To warn _me. _

She wouldn't have done that for nothing.

For the past hour I've been lying here debating whether or not I should go and see her.

Her words keep circling around and around in my brain.

_"If you want answers, real ones, you know exactly where to find me."_

I do want answers.

Real ones.

I want to know what is really happening with my faction.

I want to know just how safe this faction is going to be for Beatrice.

For me too…but mostly her.

I've already chosen.

I don't have a way out.

She still does.

I need all the facts.

It only takes me a few more moments to decide that I need to see Evelyn regardless of how much I don't want to.

I slip out of the house easily enough, shove my hands in my pocket and start the walk down to the factionless sector.

Evelyn had been right.

I do know exactly where to find her.

It's late, so when I get there most of the factionless are settling down for the night and seeking shelter.

There are three factionless gathered at the end of the sector, talking in low voices and smoking cigarettes.

As I move toward the group, one of them, a girl with dark hair and light green eyes, turns to face me.

"What do you want?" She says irritation lacing her tone.

"I want to see Evelyn Eat—" I stop for a moment, rolling my eyes in spite of myself. "Johnson. Evelyn Johnson."

In reality, I have no idea what she goes by here, but I doubt she'd want to keep the last name 'Eaton'.

I wish I could give it up that easily.

The girl scoffs.

"Evelyn Johnson's been dead for years."

I let out a long sigh.

I can tell just by the way that she says it that it is a practiced response.

One she'd clearly been taught.

"I know she's not dead. Can we just skip all this? I know she's alive and I need to see her."

"Sorry. Don't know what you're talking about." She shrugs, flicking the end of her cigarette so that ash falls to the ground.

"My name is Tobias Eaton does that help?"

She looks me over for a minute and then shakes her head.

"Yeah right, nice try. _Tobias Eaton _would know better than to come here and ask that."

I blow out an annoyed sigh.

I hadn't expected this to be so difficult.

"Let me see her." I say through my teeth.

"I already _told_ you. She's dead."

"And I already told _you_…" I take a step closer to her so that we're almost nose-to-nose. "I know she isn't."

"Are you threatening me? Seriously? An abnegation? I'll break you in half."

"Bells, whoa!"

I turn my head a little at the sound of a familiar voice.

Zach, the first factionless member who knew my mother that I'd ever met is half jogging towards us.

"Bells…" he says again to the girl who'd been giving me so much trouble.

"Cool off. This really_ is_ Tobias Eaton."

She turns to look at me for a moment and shrugs.

"Whatever. He's bothering me. You deal with him." She says in an annoyed voice before stalking off in the opposite direction.

"I'm sorry about that. She's got a bit of a temper and her loyalty to Evelyn is unsurpassable."

"Yeah. I got that."

He watches me for a moment and then crosses his arms over his chest.

"You look like you've had a hell of a day. You alright?"

I shrug.

"I just want to see my mother."

He nods a little bit.

"Sure. I can take you to her. She's in a meeting but I'm sure she'll want to see you."

He starts walking and I follow him quickly.

He leads me towards a small building at the end of the sector and once we're inside, leads me up a staircase.

We walk up the staircase for a long time until we finally reach the top floor.

Zach walks down the hall of the top floor and I follow him and watch as he knocks three times on the door.

After a few moments the door swings open and I see her, standing in the doorway with an erudite blue t-shirt and black dauntless jeans on.

"Zach." She sounds surprised to see him. "I told you I'd be in a meeting for the next couple of hours—"

"I know. I'm sorry but it's important. Your son's here."

She tilts her head around the door and her eyes land on me.

"I'll let you guys talk." Zach says and then takes off down the hall.

Evelyn shuts the door behind her and walks towards me, arms crossed over her chest.

"I assume you want answers." She says softly.

I nod slowly.

"What do you want to know? I'll tell you anything."

I think for a moment and then I take a deep breath.

"I want to know the truth about divergents and what Jeanine Matthews is trying to do."

She watches me for a moment and then her eyes fall to the ground.

"I'll be honest with you, Tobias. I don't know everything. I know bits and pieces, I'm trying to get more information but it's…" She shrugs her shoulders. "It's all very complicated."

"So tell me what you do know."

"I know that divergents scare people like Marcus and Jeanine."

"Why?"

"Because divergents have the ability to tear the system to pieces. Think about it, if there are people out there that they can't shove into a way of life…it ruins everything. Don't you see that?"

I think of Beatrice and how absolutely stubborn and wild and beautiful she is and it makes sense.

Yes.

I understand how people like Beatrice, like me, apparently, can hurt the system.

"I also know that abnegation has been harboring divergents for years."

"How do you know that?"

She looks at me, a dark expression taking over her face.

"I was married to a faction leader, Tobias."

It never occurred to me that Marcus had shared any information with her at all but then again they had years together before I was ever even thought of.

Things might've been different at some point.

"Why abnegation?"

She tilts her head towards me for a moment before speaking.

"If you needed to hide, out of all the factions which one would you choose?"

Abnegation comes to mind instantly and her words start to make sense.

"Abnegation is the safest." I say quietly and then cross my arms over my chest.

"…but that's changing? Why?"

"Because Jeanine Matthews has figured it out. That makes abnegation the most dangerous faction for divergents."

"Not necessarily." I counter.

Evelyn sighs deeply.

"Tobias, if Jeanine chooses to attack and she will, all those divergents are going to be sitting ducks. You know as well as anyone that an abnegation won't be able to defend themselves and better yet, they won't want too."

"_Attack?_ You think Jeanine is planning an attack? That's a bit extreme isn't it? I mean, what's she planning to do, kill them all?"

Evelyn stares at me for a long moment and she doesn't have to answer me for me to know the answer.

I let out a breath.

"She is. She wants to kill them all."

"Jeanine will do anything to ensure that things remain exactly as they are. She wants to eliminate the problem."

I put my head in my hands for a moment and breathe deeply.

I feel like I'm going to pass out.

"Tobias, It's going to be okay. _You're_ going to be okay. Whatever else Marcus may be, between him and I we're not going to let anything happen to you."

I drop my hands from my face and she takes the opportunity to grab my hand.

"I have plans Tobias and I would love to have your help, if you come here…stay with me, you'll be so much safer—"

I shake my head hard.

"Stop. Stop. This doesn't make everything that happened disappear, Evelyn. This doesn't change anything. I need information. You have it. That's all this is."

She bites her bottom lip.

"How am I ever supposed to make it up to you if you won't let me in?"

I blow out a huff breath.

"You can't make up for not being around when I needed you."

My throat feels tight and dry and I don't want to have this conversation.

It's not why I came here.

"I know that but I'm here now. Doesn't that count for something?"

I close my eyes for a moment, breathing through the lump in my throat.

"I can't live factionless. I won't."

"Even if it means your life?"

I look up at the ceiling.

"This really isn't about me anymore."

She tilts her head, confusion covering her face.

"Then what _is_ this about?"

Beatrice.

Everything is about Beatrice.

I can't keep her in abnegation knowing everything that I know now.

She's safer _anywhere _else but I want her in dauntless.

Dauntless, where Zeke can protect her.

"Tobias? What is it?"

I shake my head slowly.

"She has to pick dauntless."

"What are you talking about?"

I let out a shaky breath.

"Beatrice." I say quietly.

"The girl you brought with you to our first meeting?"

I nod slowly.

"She's choosing tomorrow?"

I nod again.

"Why would she pick—" She pauses for a moment and I watch as realization dawns on her.

"…She's divergent?"

I resist the urge to hit something and nod for the third time.

"That's why you came here."

I am quiet for a long moment, my brain too full of buzzing for me to craft together a sentence.

"Tobias, I'm sorry. I know that you care for her."

"Yeah." I say quietly.

I'm exhausted and angry.

It's a terrible combination.

Standing here in this hallway with Evelyn just doesn't feel like an option anymore.

"I have to go…" I mumble and start down the hallway.

"Tobias wait."

I pause at the sound of her voice.

"Will you just consider coming to stay with me? I know I haven't been much of anything to you but I'd really appreciate the opportunity to try and redeem myself in your eyes. Even if you come for no other reason then just to get away from Marcus. I won't push you for anything I just…" She pauses for a moment.

"I want to get to know you."

I don't say anything as I finish my walk down the hallway.

…

My lungs are burning as I race to the hub my legs pumping so fast that you'd think I was running _from_ something, not to it.

I can't believe I'd overslept.

After my meeting with Evelyn I hadn't planned on going to sleep at all but then I woke up with the sunlight streaming through my window and drool running down my cheek.

Now, I only have minutes to get to the hub.

If I don't catch Beatrice before she goes in, I might as well sign her death certificate now.

I check my watch for the fifth time.

10:45.

The ceremony starts promptly at eleven and either of us being late is not an option.

I push myself faster and eventually I see the beacon that is the hub within in my sight.

My eyes search the crowd instantly for blonde hair and it only takes a few moments for me to spot her standing outside with her brother.

"Beatrice!"

Both Beatrice and Caleb look up at the sound of my shout and the smile that takes over Beatrice's face at seeing me is breathtaking.

It's like she's gotten even more beautiful over night.

Her cheeks are flushed bright pink and her hair, though neat as always, looks more dynamic than usual.

Excitement runs through her like electricity.

It's so potent that I can almost feel it.

"Hi!" She says brightly, "Come to wish me luck?"

As I draw closer to her, her face drops a little.

I must look a total mess.

I'm engulfed in sweat and the brief glance in the mirror I'd stolen this morning told me that the dark circles under my eyes were incredibly noticeable.

"…Are you okay?"

I don't know how to answer that question.

I'm a lot of things, but okay doesn't really seem like one of them.

"I _really_ need to talk to you." I say quietly.

She searches my face, concern in her eyes.

"Now? We're going to be late." She looks confused.

Being late to the choosing ceremony isn't an option for either of us.

She is choosing and my father is hosting the ceremony.

If I am not in my seat promptly at eleven like the good abnegation everybody thinks I am, Marcus will make sure that I pay for it later.

But right now, this is more important.

"Yes. I'll be as quick as possible. Please. It's important."

She bites down on her lip.

"Are you_ sure_ it can't wait?" She says, glancing sideways at Caleb.

"I'm positive, Beatrice."

She turns to Caleb for a moment.

"Go in. I'm right behind you." She says to him.

Caleb looks at me for a moment and then at his sister. He slowly pulls her in for a hug, holding her for a moment.

"Good luck today, Beatrice. Remember what I said to you last night."

Beatrice nods a little.

"Of course. See you in a few minutes."

Caleb takes one last look at me and then ducks inside the building.

Beatrice watches him disappear into the building and then turns to me, crossing her arms over her chest.

"What's so important?" She asks and I can see the nerves written all over her face.

I have no idea how to say what I need to say.

I stare at her for a long moment my hands shaking so much that I have to shove them into my pockets.

Her eyes follow my hands for a moment and then she tilts her head.

"Tobias, what is going on?"

I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to tell her that our lives are not going to go the way that we planned, that in order to keep her safe, I have to let her go.

"Nothing…" I finally manage to mumble.

"Your hands are shaking." She says in a disbelieving tone.

I look up at her for a moment and then press a shaky hand to her cheek.

"Beatrice, I'm so sorry."

She closes her eyes for a moment, leaning into the touch.

"Why are you sorry, Tobias?" She asks quietly.

"Because you're not going to like what I'm going to say."

She stares at me for a long moment and then slowly shakes her head.

"Then don't say it."

I run my thumb over her cheek.

"God, I wish it was that easy."

She pulls away from me and bites down so hard on her lip that I think she might bleed.

"Tobias, what is this about?"

She sounds angry and I'm grateful for it.

I'd rather her be angry than broken.

"Pick dauntless." I say quietly.

"What?" Her voice shakes as she looks at me.

"You heard me. Pick dauntless."

She shakes her head slowly for a moment.

"No. Why would I do that, Tobias?"

I close my eyes for a moment and take in a deep breath.

"You have to. Please Beatrice."

"No! I don't have to do anything! We have a plan, Tobias!" She's screaming now and the few stragglers gathered outside of the hub are starting to stare.

"Would you keep your voice down? You're making a scene!"

She glances around for a moment and then crosses her arms over her chest.

"Pick dauntless." I say again firmly.

"Is this about you thinking your holding me back again? I thought we were over that." She reaches for my hand.

"Stop it. You're stuck with me. My blood already belongs to those grey stones.

I'm starting to panic.

She can't choose abnegation.

I can't protect her here.

I have to get her out.

I have to, but I see the determination in her eyes.

She's not budging.

The plans we'd made for our lives together are stained on her heart.

Then slowly but all at once, I realize what I have to do.

In order to protect her, _save her_, I have to break her heart.

There is no other way.

"How many other ways do you want me to say it?" I say through my teeth.

"Say what? To pick dauntless? Any way you say it I'm still going to say no!"

"There's nothing for you here! You might as well go to dauntless!"

"What are you TALKING about? I have you!"

I pull my hand away from hers, hard.

"No, you don't."

She stares at me for a moment and it's like I watch all the air go out of her.

"W-what?"

"You don't have me, Beatrice. If you choose abnegation or not it won't matter. I want out. I'm done with this…you…"

The words sit in my chest like acid.

I don't mean any of it.

How could I?

She means everything to me but I need her to believe that she doesn't.

She looks at the floor for a moment and sniffles.

"You're breaking up with me?"

I swallow hard.

"Yes."

"Why?"

I shrug my shoulders.

I don't know what to say to her.

There is no feasible reason for breaking up with her.

Every part of me is screaming that this is wrong but there is nothing I can do about it.

She has to pick dauntless and she won't unless I give her a reason to leave.

"You wait for choosing day to decide that you want out? Are you kidding me? Why? You tell me why right this second!"

"I just…I don't…I'm not in love with you." I mumble looking up at the sky rather than at her.

"You can't even look me in the eye and say that, can you?"

I ball my hands into fists to keep from crying but I keep my eyes on the sky rather than at her.

"Tobias!" She screams and I meet her eyes again.

She shakes her head slowly.

"All I want is to be with you…I don't…" She pauses and I watch as a few tears make their way down her cheek.

I've never seen her like this.

Never.

It's taking everything in me just to keep breathing normally.

"I don't care about anything else. None of it matters. I just…please tell me this is your idea of a really sick joke. Please."

I shake my head slowly my lips shaking.

"What, was this all just a game to you? That doesn't make any sense, Tobias."

I stay quiet because I'm afraid if I speak I'll break down.

"Tobias! You have to give me something more than this…please. Where is this coming from? We were fine last night…" She trails off for a moment.

"…Is there someone else?"

I shake my head quickly.

"God, no."

"Then what is it?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"It just isn't working out."

"But I…" She looks up at me her bottom lip trembling. "…I gave you everything."

I close my eyes and breathe through the sick feeling in my stomach.

"It was all just a game to me. I didn't think you'd really fall in love with me."

It's surprising to me how easily the words come out.

It comes out easily, but it feels like a sharp knife into my heart.

She lets out a breath that sounds like physical pain.

"That can't be true…all the things you said to me…all the nights we spent together…" She shakes her head.

"Tobias please."

"You should choose dauntless." I say quietly.

"You fit in there. Al has always sort of shown interest in you." I blink hard to keep the tears back.

"Maybe there's something there for you. Not here."

She sniffles for a few moments and then nods slowly.

"…but I love you."

My heart breaks open at her small and defeated words.

"You need to get inside. The ceremony's starting."

She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"You went through all the trouble of courting me for two years just to…what? Get into bed with me?"

"…No." I shake my head a little.

For some reason, I can't let her believe that particular lie.

"This doesn't make any sense, Tobias."

"I know." I look down at the concrete, because looking at her isn't an option right now.

"Wow…" She breathes softly. "I didn't know it would feel like this"

"What?" I question.

"My heart breaking. I had no idea it was going to hurt this much."

I take in a deep breath and hold it afraid that if I breathe I'll fall apart everywhere.

"Tris…"

"Please don't call me that right now." She says, putting emphasis on every word.

I close my eyes for a moment.

"Beatrice..." I amend after a moment, but I don't know what else to say beyond that so I don't say anything at all.

She stares at me as the bells chime to signal the start of the ceremony.

She starts to walk away but I catch her arm.

She turns to look at me, her face stained with dried tears.

"What did your brother mean when he said 'remember what I told you last night?'"

She lets out a small sigh.

"…He told me that we should think of our family but that…" She pauses for a moment, and locks eyes with me.

"We should also think of ourselves."

"It's good advice, Beatrice."

She pulls her arm out of my grip.

"Goodbye, Tobias." She says softly and then pushes through the doors to the hub.

…

**Beatrice**

Caleb picked Erudite.

Caleb.

My brother, the quintessential abnegation just picked _erudite._

I feel like I can't breathe.

Nothing is going the way that it's supposed to.

My perfect world is shattering all around me like glass.

First Tobias, now this.

My heart is beating in my throat and vomit can't be far off.

I place a shaky hand to my mouth and watch as Caleb walks over to the erudite and they politely clap for him.

My brother just chose a faction that my father _hates._

I risk a glance at my father and he looks almost as unhinged as I feel.

This is not happening.

This has to be a dream.

I pinch myself for good measure but all it does is make my arm hurt.

The words Caleb had said to me last night were not for me.

"_We should think of our family, but we must also think of ourselves." _

They were for him.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm surprised that I didn't see it sooner.

Caleb is _smart_, brilliant even.

The way he could memorize a textbook…

I should've known.

I know that it's only moments later when Marcus calls my name but it still feels like hours.

I make my way to the bowls slowly.

My feet feel so much heavier than normal.

Everything feels heavy.

Heavy and wrong.

I had my whole life planned out this morning.

Right now, I don't even know what faction I'm going to choose and I am seconds away from it.

I don't understand why Tobias had broken up with me.

I don't understand anything.

I stare at the bowls in front of me.

The still water of erudite, stained a deep red from those who have already chosen.

_From my brother_

The soil. The glass. Amity. Candor.

Neither of those factions have ever been of any interest to me and I am not smart like Caleb.

That leaves me two choices.

Abnegation and Dauntless.

This morning abnegation was all I ever wanted.

Right now I don't know how I can bare to live in a faction that my brother just transferred out of.

A faction where I would have to see Tobias everyday and be constantly reminded of the fact that he doesn't want me.

_He doesn't want me_.

The pain washes over me like ice cold water and I have to take a moment to remember how to breathe.

I take the knife and slice into my hand.

The pain from the cut doesn't even phase me.

It's nothing compared to what is already raging on inside of me.

I watch as the blood slides over my hand.

The lit coals or the grey stones.

_Pick dauntless._

Tobias words echoing in my brain and without even really thinking about it, I thrust my hands over the lit coals and listen to the hiss when my blood makes contact.

I am dauntless.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Hi guys, sorry if I ripped your heart out last chapter. Just remember that this is FourTris fanfiction and it will remain that way. **

**Quick note: If you like my writing style, I started a divergent fanfic tumblr where you can leave requests for one-shots and the like. I'm trying to challenge myself like my creative writing professor says, so I've come up with that because I love writing in the divergent world so much. Anyway, you can request anything via the ask box there and I'll try to get it up as soon as possible. (You can even request deleted or wanted scenes from Resurrection or Resurrection:The end.)**

**divergentfanfictiononthefly dot tumblr dot com**

**Thanks guys. You're the best.**

**xx Cordys-vision**

**Beatrice/Tris**

At dinner, I sit alone.

I know that I need to try and blend in here but I just don't have the energy. I wish I was back in abnegation where I didn't have to be loud or bright or constantly have to prove myself.

In abnegation, I could sit and pretend I don't exist and no one would care or bother me.

Abnegation is safe, soft and quiet.

Dauntless is anything but.

"Hey, aren't you hungry?"

I glance up at a girl with dark brown hair and green eyes staring at me from across the table.

"Uh…"

I glance at the food in front of me.

None of it looks edible to me and there is just so _much_ of everything.

This food is the epitome of gluttony and the abnegation in me doesn't really want to touch it.

"Not…really…" I mumble picking up a brown patty in the shape of a circle with my fork to inspect it.

"It's just beef. It's really good."

I take a tiny bite and my stomach growls in approval.

I guess I am hungry.

"My name's Elena. Everyone calls me Ellie though, even though I hate it."

I stare at her for a moment and then nod a little.

I can tell just by the way she talks that she's from Candor.

It's a no-holds-barred kind of speech. Quick, hard to follow.

"What's your name?" She asks curiously.

"Tris."

It comes out automatically and I don't expect the pain that comes after it.

I close my eyes for a moment and breathe through it.

Tobias is a part of everything that I do and it is possible to get away from him, even in my own brain.

Tris is _his_ nickname for me, but I don't feel like a Beatrice anymore.

Not here.

Beatrice is an abnegation name.

I am no longer an abnegation member.

"Oh right! First jumper Tris!" Ellie says excitedly

I keep my eyes closed trying to erase Tobias' face from my memory.

"…Are you alright?" Ellie asks.

I open my eyes and nod quickly.

"Yes. Sorry, it's sort of been a long day."

"Tell me about it…" She says shaking her head.

"I can't believe you were the first to jump! What was that like?"

I ignore the mounting guilt building in my stomach.

I'd had an advantage over the other initiates because I'd known exactly what I was jumping into but I couldn't help offering myself up to jump first.

That idiot boy from candor kept calling me 'stiff'.

I had to prove to him that I wasn't.

That sort of pride would've gotten me in trouble in abnegation.

Not here.

"I don't know. I just sort of closed my eyes and did it I guess."

"Wow…" Ellie breathes nodding at me with big eyes.

"Ellie, stop bothering Tris."

I look up at the sound of Al's voice.

I smile a little.

"Hey Al…"

"Hey Tris." He leans forward and gives me a hug.

I try my best not to feel uncomfortable with it.

"Glad you made it." He says giving me a significant look.

I try to smile back.

"Me too."

"This is my little sister by the way. She follows me everywhere as you can see, even a different faction."

As I look at Ellie again I see the similarities between her and Al more clearly. They both have the same sort of kind, doe-eyed, permanent facial expression.

Ellie rolls her eyes at her brother and sticks her tongue out for a moment before picking up her tray of food and moving down the table.

Al raises his eyebrows at me.

"It's weird seeing you here without Stiff."

I shrug my shoulders.

"It's not that weird. I'm not always with him. I have a life." I mumble, my jaw tense.

"_Ouch."_ Al says, his brow furrowing. "What happened?"

I shake my head slowly.

"I _really_ don't want to talk about it. _Especially _not with you."

I'm surprised at how mean I sound but maybe this is just dauntless me.

Or maybe I'm still grieving the loss of a love that still feels so real to me.

He holds up his hands in defense.

"Sorry…I…" He pauses for a moment. "I'm totally blowing it with you, aren't I?"

I stare up at him for a moment, confused.

"What?"

"Tris, I'm sorry. I just…I've been sort of praying you'd pick dauntless."

"Why would you care what faction I pick?" I say, my voice sounding harsher than I intended.

Al opens his mouth to say something and then closes it again as his cheeks flush a bright pink color.

Then Tobias' words come back to me.

_"You fit in there. Al has always sort of shown an interest in you."_

At the time, I'd been too focused on other things to really pick up on it but now that I am seeing it play out right in front of me, I feel sick.

I have never seen Al as anything other than a friend and I don't think that I ever will, regardless of anything Tobias said.

"Al…" I shake my head a little. "Don't."

He shrugs his shoulders a little.

"Okay. I just wanted you to know."

My head feels like it's going to explode.

I am not equipped to deal with this right now.

Any of it.

I stand up abruptly.

"I…I have to go."

I move quickly and push past him, not sure where I'm going, I just know that it has to be anywhere but here.

"Tris wait!"

I hear him but I don't stop.

I keep walking.

I want to get myself somewhere that isn't here in this dining hall surrounded by people I never wanted to join.

The dauntless compound is always so dark and the many passageways are overwhelming and confusing.

I ache for the simplicity of abnegation but I need to stop doing that.

I am no longer abnegation, I never will be again.

I am dauntless.

Eventually, I get lost.

I've been in the dauntless compound so many times before but I'd really only ever been to the training room and Zeke's apartment.

I start to panic as the pathways get darker and I get more and more lost.

This is not how tonight was supposed to go.

This night was supposed to be a celebration.

A celebration that I'd picked abnegation and can finally be with Tobias, freely.

Instead, I am wandering around the dauntless compound, lost, feeling like my insides are going to explode in on themselves.

I feel the tears before I even really realize what's happening.

No.

I can't cry right now.

I just can't.

"Come on, Tris. Pull yourself together." I whisper to myself.

I pause for a moment and press my hands flat against the wall.

I breathe in deeply trying to erase the hot, ill, feeling in my body.

"Tris?"

I turn quickly and find myself facing Zeke.

The tears come quicker then, a never-ending onslaught that I can't control.

"Zeke…" I let out and then I collapse to my knees.

He leans down next to me quickly, his arms wrapping around me for a moment.

"Tris, come on. You're better than this."

I know.

I know he's right.

I _am_ better than this,  
Stronger than this.

This isn't me.

I am not the girl who cries.

I'm not.

I sniffle for a few moments and then regulate my breathing enough to stand up again.

"You alright?" Zeke says standing with me.

I nod slowly.

"Dauntless isn't that terrible, is it?" Zeke asks with a little smile.

I shake my head and wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

"No…it's not. I don't know what's wrong with me. Dauntless is fine…" I shake my head a little bit.

"A lot happened today. That's all."

Zeke crosses his arms over his chest.

"I bet. Weren't you supposed to choose abnegation and live happily ever after, stiff and stiff?"

I ignore the swelling of tears behind my eyes at his words.

"Yeah well," I chew on my bottom lip for a moment.

"Tobias decided that isn't what he wanted today."

Zeke is quiet for a moment and then shakes his head.

"What? That doesn't make any sense, Tris."

I let out a soft sigh.

"I know it doesn't but he wouldn't talk to me. He just kept saying that…" I trail off as this morning's events filter back into my brain.

"He just kept saying that he wasn't in love with me and then the ceremony was starting and I was running out of time so I just…went into the hub." I finish.

"Wait…" Zeke watches me, looking shocked.

"He broke up with you?"

I nod a little bit.

"On _choosing_ day?"

I nod again, pressing a hand to my stomach.

Zeke reaches out and pulls me into a hug and though hugs are not something I'm accustomed to, I let him do it anyway.

"I just wish I knew what I did…" I say softly.

"I don't think you did anything, Tris." Zeke says as he pulls away.

"Listen, I'm sorry this happened. I don't know what is going on with Tobias and I wish that I did just so that I could give you some piece of mind."

I shrug my shoulders.

"It doesn't really matter anymore I guess."

He nods a little.

"Listen, I'm an initiate instructor this year. I can help you be successful here. You already know the basics. This can be okay, Tris. It's going to be. I promise."

I blow out a breath.

"Thanks." I say softly. "You're an initiate instructor?"

He nods a little.

"I requested it. Eric has taken full reign this year and I want to help the initiates as much as I can. Lauren gave you guys the tour but I'll be working with Eric when it comes to the combat and the second stage of initiation."

"Combat?" My voice sounds hoarse.

He smiles a little.

"Don't worry too much. I've taught you the basics already. You'll be okay."

"I can't get kicked out, Zeke."

"I would never let that happen, Tris."

I run a hand through my hair and nod.

"Thank you."

"You should get to bed. You need to be ready for tomorrow. Don't be late. Don't give Eric any reason to single you out."

I nod again.

Zeke starts to turn and walk away and then I remember that I have no idea where I am.

"Hey Zeke?"

He turns around for a moment, one eyebrow raised.

"Can you…can you show me where the initiate dorms are? I'm lost."

Zeke lets out a little laugh.

"Come on, initiate." He mumbles as we start the trek back to the dorms.

**Tobias **

When I enter the dauntless compound I start to second-guess myself.

Beatrice probably hates me.

Hell, I don't blame her.

_I_ hate me.

It just doesn't change the fact that I need to see her.

I have to explain things even if she hates me forever.

I need her to know that I still love her with every fiber of my being.

I can't let her go through this thinking that I don't.

I start towards the training room out of habit but I know she isn't in there.

Beatrice would be in the initiate dorms.

The only problem is, I have no idea where those are.

I pass the training room and start towards where I remember Zeke's apartment is.

The initiate dorms have to be around here somewhere, right?

"Stiff?"

I freeze for a moment and then it registers that the voice I'm hearing is just Zeke's.

I turn quickly and let out a little sigh of relief.

"Zeke."

Zeke shakes his head at me.

"What are you doing here?"

"Is that a real question? Where is she?"

Zeke stares at me for a moment and then nods his head in the opposite direction.

"Come with me for a minute."

He starts back towards the training room and I follow him, confusion swirling around in my brain.

Why are we going back to a place where Beatrice obviously isn't?

Once we're inside the training room Zeke turns to me, arms crossed over his chest.

"Do you want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You don't come here for weeks and then you break up with Tris on choosing day and she ends up here as an initiate? What the hell, stiff? I thought we were friends."

I shake my head a little.

"What? We are friends. Why would you think anything differently?"

"Because I have no clue what the hell is going on with you! Why would you break up with, Tris? Why is she here?"

"I thought you wanted her here! All you ever talked about was what a natural she is! How great it would be to train her—"

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter! It never mattered because that's not what _she _wanted! She wanted you! I always knew that. We all did. Until she ended up in that net today."

"I was just trying to protect her." I say quietly.

"How can you protect her from a completely different faction that might as well be worlds away?"

"Why are you so angry at me!? I did what I had to do!"

"I'm angry because you're not the only one that loves her, Stiff! You might have the monopoly on the romantic part but I care about her too. She's my friend and she was a mess today."

I close my eyes and let out a sigh.

"I know that. That's why I'm here. I…I want to fix it."

Zeke shakes his head.

"First you tell me why the hell you broke up with her in the first place."

I lean against the wall for a moment taking a deep breath.

I don't know how to explain it.

I barely understand any of it myself.

"There are things happening right now, Zeke. Things that are so much bigger than any of us combined. Abnegation is dangerous right now, especially for her and I knew that she wouldn't pick dauntless unless I pushed her to do it."

"Why is abnegation dangerous? Isn't that the point of abnegation? That it's not dangerous?"

I stare down at my shoes for a moment.

I don't know if I should tell him about divergents.

It's not like I don't trust him.

I do, it's just divergence isn't really something you discuss with other people.

Especially when it's somebody else's divergence you're going to talk about.

"It's because of Jeanine Matthews." I say

"The Erudite leader? What does she have to do with abnegation?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"Nothing. Except that she's going to attack it."

"What?" Zeke says in disbelief. "Why?"

"Because abnegation harbors divergents."

I wait to see if the word has an impact on him and almost instantly, Zeke turns pale.

"Zeke, do you know that word?"

He stares at me and then nods for moment.

"Yeah, I do."

"I'm divergent." I say quietly, "And so is Tris."

Zeke stares at me for a long moment, his eyes wide.

"_You're_ divergent?"

I nod.

"Jeanine wants to get rid of them. All of them. There are a lot of divergents in abnegation. I wanted Tris as far away as possible from her and whatever it is that she's planning."

Zeke rubs his forehead for a moment.

"Well then, you should've sent her to amity."

"Why?"

"Because there are divergents here too and Jeanine is here, _A lot_. She has meetings with Max almost every other day."

My heart sinks into my shoes.

Jeanine is everywhere.

I had begged Tris to pick a faction that might be just as dangerous if not more so, than abnegation.

I let her walk out of my life for absolutely nothing.

I sink down against the wall of the training room.

"Damn it!"

My shout echoes throughout the tiny training room.

"Calm down, it'll be fine, we'll—"

"Everything I try to do for her, Zeke, blows up in my face!"

I take a deep breath and tilt my head up towards the ceiling.

We're both silent for a long time as Zeke just stares at me.

"I understand, Stiff. I really do."

"No. You don't."

Zeke sighs for a moment and then shakes his head.

"Uriah. Uriah is divergent too. So yeah, I get needing to protect someone."

I look up, locking eyes with him for a moment.

I don't have words.

There is nothing I can say to make this better.

Nothing.

"We have to protect them." I whisper softly.

Zeke nods.

"And we will."

"Now will you tell me where she is?"

Zeke looks up at me, a strange expression on his face.

"Stiff…I'm sorry…I don't think I can take you to see her right now."

My stomach squeezes painfully.

Every part of me is aching to see her, touch her, smell her, feel her.

I have to see her.

I _have_ to.

"…Why not?" I ask as calmly as I can manage.

He closes his eyes for a moment.

"Stiff, you want to protect her right?"

"Of course I do!" I say, panic starting to creep into my heart.

"You seeing her right now is not going to be conducive to that."

"Why?" I swallow hard ignoring the large lump in my throat.

"Because if she sees you right now she'll fall apart all over again and Stiff, she _has_ to get through initiation. If we don't at least get her through that all of this will be for nothing. We have to start there."

"I have to tell her it was all a lie. She thinks I don't love her Zeke!"

"I know, but I think that's going to push her to do better, try harder to prove to herself and to you…that she's worth it."

I know he's right.

I know that Beatrice is the kind of girl who is inspired by things like that but I can't bare the thought of not seeing her for one more second.

"How long?" I ask

Zeke shrugs.

"A week. Maybe two. Give her some time to adjust, make some friends, learn the dauntless compound. If you see her right now and tell her the truth, she's never going to adjust to dauntless life. She'll spend the entire time wishing she was in abnegation with you and that's the quickest way to get her kicked out of initiation. She has to _want_ to be here. Give her some time."

I hate it but I know he's right.

"Zeke, nothing can happen to her."

"I understand. I promise you that I'll take care of her."

I stand slowly feeling weak in my legs.

"I'll see you." I say quietly and then without another word I leave the training room and start making my way back to abnegation where I belong.

**Beatrice/Tris**

"Which one of you is the stiff?"

Eric walks in front of us slowly surveying each one of us from head to toe.

My stomach feels queasy.

I don't want to admit to anything but I don't have to.

Every initiate's eyes move towards me at once.

Traitors.

I raise my hand slowly.

Eric stops in front of me, his eyes taking me in.

I don't like the way his gaze stops at my chest but I ignore it.

I am an initiate and I have every chance of getting kicked out.

I don't want to stir the pot.

"You were the first jumper?" He asks curiously and I nod my head slowly.

His lips curl into a smile that makes me shiver in a way that I don't like.

"Interesting." He says with a grin and then he steps back a few feet and motions for me to follow him.

"Now," he addresses the rest of the group.

"The stiff—first jumper-, is going to demonstrate how to use a gun properly."

He hands me a gun and the weight of it shocks me a little.

I stumble and hear the other initiates chuckle quietly.

I've never held a gun before in my life and I certainly don't know how to shoot it but Eric is staring at me expectantly.

I glance over at Zeke, standing against the wall on the other side of the room. He does a quick motion to show me how the gun is held that no one else sees.

I am eternally grateful.

I hold it with two hands, the back part of it over my shoulder the way Zeke had mimed and face the target.

Then I pull the trigger.

It misses the target by enough to make the other initiates laugh again.

I feel my face get hot but I try not to look as upset as I feel.

"Back in line, Stiff." Eric says after taking the gun from me.

I fall back in line next to Ellie who gives me a soft, empathetic pat on the back.

"Remember," Eric says grinning. "Just because you show guts in one aspect of dauntless, doesn't mean that you're going to be a great dauntless member." He turns toward Zeke.

"Split them into groups. Have them do target practice. We'll start on knives in a few days."

He talks to Zeke some more in quiet voices and then disappears from the room.  
Zeke is much nicer in his approach to teach us how to shoot, but I don't get any better by the end of the day and my arms hurt from holding up the gun.

On the way to dinner, Zeke attempts to make me feel better.

"It's the first day, you'll get it. You've never held a gun before."

"Neither has Ellie and she caught on just fine." I say with a frown.

"Don't compare yourself to anyone. You're doing fine, Tris." He says giving me the genuine 'Zeke' smile that tells me everything's going to be fine.

"Come on, lets eat." He says leading me towards a table in the dining hall, where Shauna, Will, Al, Uriah and Ellie are already sitting.

He immediately takes a seat next to Shauna and I sit in between Al and Will.

Will has hardly touched his food.

His eyes are fixed on a letter, his mouth forming the words silently.

"What is that?" I nod towards the piece of paper as I reach for bread.

"It's a letter form my sister." He says quietly.

"You have a sister?" I ask curiously, raising my eyebrows.

"Yeah." He mumbles, looking up at me. "In Erudite. Cara." His eyes move back to the paper.

"What does it say?"

Will lets out a small sigh.

"She got into another fight with my dad about coming to see me. My parents haven't exactly forgiven me for choosing dauntless." His eyes continue to scan the page.

"And something about an initiate she's spending time with."

I take a bite out of the bread as Will keeps reading.

"Oh weird." He says shock lacing his tone. "He's from abnegation, Tris. Maybe you knew him."

I raise my eyebrows again.

"What's his name?"

"Caleb."

I pause for a moment, the bread halfway to my mouth.

"Caleb? Caleb Prior?"

"She didn't put a last name." Will says, shrugging. "Why?"

"That's my brother." I say quietly.

Will looks at me.

"You have a brother?"

I nod slowly.

"That's strange isn't it? An abnegation choosing erudite?"

I stuff my mouth with bread so that I don't have to answer.

Instead, I turn my head and watch Zeke and Shauna talking in low serious voices.

Shauna risks a glance up at me and blushes when she notices that I'm looking back.

I swallow the bread quickly.

"What?"

"Nothing." Shauna says quickly. "You should really try the cake." She says pushing a plate of it towards me.

"We have great cake here."

I stare down at the plate for a moment and then shake my head.

"You weren't just talking about cake."

Shauna exchanges a glance with Zeke for a moment.

"No. I wasn't, but can you just let this one go and try your very first bite of cake ever? Please Tris?"

I roll my eyes and then carefully stick my fork into the cake and pop it into my mouth.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **

**Thank you for those of you who have followed my tumblr. I am working on those drabbles and this story at the same time so please be patient :). If you _haven't_ followed my tumblr you should!**

**divergentfanfictiononthefly dot tumblr dot com**

I'm not as bad at throwing knives as I am at shooting a gun but it's definitely not my forte either.

Zeke moves between all of us, correcting our arm movements or the stances.

Every time he corrects me I get just a little bit closer to the target.

It's an invigorating feeling.

Ellie, on the other hand has been throwing knife after knife and hitting nothing.

"Jesus, Tris. You're _so_ good at this." She says with a little whine in her voice as she throws another knife that bounces off of the board and clatters straight to the ground.

I shrug.

"Just picture something you hate. It might help. Watch." I say.

I stare at the target board and then take a deep breath, grasping three knives in my hand.

"I hate liars."

I say in one breath and throw one of the knives.

It hits dangerously close to the middle of the target.

"See?" I say turning a little to look at her.

I watch as Ellie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

She throws once more and her knife hits the target almost perfectly.

"Whoa. What did you think of?" I ask curiously.

"Al." She says simply and we both burst into laughter.

"Something funny over there initiates?" Eric's voice brings us out of our temporary carefree moment.

Ellie shakes her head hard, no, but I just shrug.

"We're just laughing about how silly it is that we don't have any _real_ targets."

I don't know what makes me say it.

Maybe it's because I want to stand up to Eric or sound more dauntless.

Maybe I have a death wish.

I don't know.

Either way, I regret it as soon as it's out of my mouth.

Eric grins at me and then looks at the rest of the group.

"Stop!"

The last of the knives fly through the air and Eric turns back towards me.

"Real targets huh? We'll see how much you like _real _targets, first jumper. Stand in _front _of the target. Now."

"…What?" I question, suddenly more nervous than before.

"Now, Initiate!

I quickly walk over to the target and stand in front of it my arms behind my back.

"I have a name. It's Tris." I say once I get there, exuding confidence that I don't really feel.

I don't know why I keep pushing him, but it keeps coming up like an undiluted word stream.

The other initiates let out a low chorus of "ooooh," as I press my back against the target.

Eric just grins and grabs a handful of knives.

"Stand there, _Tris._ You flinch, you're out."

I hear Ellie gasp from across the room and then I hear her tiny bird like voice.

"Like, _factionless _out?"

Eric turns a little to look at her.

"Is there any other kind of out?"

He turns back to me quickly, his hand caressing the handle of the knives.

He doesn't waste any time before throwing his first one.

It hits dangerously close to my arm.

I don't move or blink.

I don't even breathe.

I don't think I could even if I wanted to.

Fear is moving through me like acid, burning my lungs, staining my veins, and paralyzing me.

Eric laughs.

"Nice, Stiff. Let's try again."

He throws again and the knife lands just above my head, pinning a few strands of hair to the backboard that are most definitely lost to me now.

I risk letting out a breath as Eric readies the last knife.

He throws it quickly and it lands so close to my side that I can feel the cold blade pressing against my skin.

At first, I think he missed like the other two times.

Then, I feel the warm blood start to seep through my t-shirt.

I look down and realize my shirt has been sliced open and there is a long cut running across my side.

"Nice, first jumper." Eric says in a deadly voice. "…but _don't_ push me like that again."

Zeke stands up then.

"That's enough for the day." He says quickly. "You're free until dinner." He addresses the other initiates.

No one moves.

I don't either.

"_Go_ initiates!" Zeke yells and the room starts to scatter.

Zeke moves towards me, eyes on my cut.

"You alright?"

I nod slowly, still kind of in shock that Eric had actually injured me.

"Yeah…I…" I press a hand to my side and feel the blood seep over my fingers.

Maybe I'm not alright.

"Come on, let's get you to the nurse's station."

"Okay." I mumble as Zeke puts his arm around me and leads me towards the nurse's station.

…

When I walk into the dining hall later, Ellie practically tramples me.

"Oh my god! I was so worried about you! Are you okay?"

I turn a little to show her my newly bandaged side.

"I'm fine. He barely got me. It was surface level. It just bled a lot."

"Thank god! I swear you have a death wish or something, you've got to stop pushing Eric like that."

My eyes sweep the room and eventually they land on Eric.

He's laughing at a table with a few other dauntless leaders and even now, in his element, laughing, he looks dangerous.

Zeke had already given me the speech about watching myself around Eric.

I'm going to start making a conscious effort to do so.

"I know. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Ellie!"

We both turn our heads and find ourselves looking at a tall blond boy bounding his way towards us.

"We're going to get tattoos." He says once he gets to us, slightly out of breath.

"Want to come?"

"Yes!" Ellie says excitedly and then looks towards me for approval.

"What about you, Tris?" The boy asks nodding at me.

"How do you even know my name?"

The boy raises an eyebrow.

"…because I'm in your initiate class? That and pretty much everyone here knows your name. You're the first jumper and Eric's new target."

"Then how come I have no idea who _you _are?"

"Because you haven't really bothered getting to know anyone in your initiate class besides Ellie who practically forced herself on you."

"Hey!" Ellie says with a frown on her face, clearly offended.

Jack rolls his eyes.

"It's okay Ellie, you sort of force yourself on everybody."

Ellie reaches forward and slaps his arm so hard that a few people sitting around us turn to look at the sound the contact makes.

I hate that he's right.

I _haven't _bothered getting to know anyone.

As far as friends go, I already have that, even if they are full dauntless members already.

Zeke and Shauna both told me that I should at least try and make friends in my initiate class but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it just yet.

"Okay, so what's _your_ name then?"

"Jack." He says, sounding just a little bit annoyed.

"Are you guys in or not?"

Ellie nods enthusiastically.

"Yes, we're coming! Right, Tris?"

I look at her for a moment and shake my head.

"Tattoos, Ellie? I don't know."

"Oh come on, you can't be a stiff forever." She insists.

She's more than right.

I _can't_ be a stiff forever.

I'd chosen dauntless.

I need to do something to cement that.

A tattoo seems like a pretty dauntless thing to do.

"Alright, I'm in." I say quietly and Ellie lets out a little 'woop' of excitement and then we follow Jack on his way to the pit.

…

When we get to the tattoo parlor I meet four more of Jack and Ellie's friends.

Chloe and Teresa who are both dauntless born, Sarah another transfer from candor, and Bradley from erudite.

They all seem to know each other well and it makes me feel left out.

I really have been out of the loop in making friends.

"I'm going to get the dauntless symbol." Teresa says, shaking out her black curls.

Ellie nods.

"I was thinking the same thing on the back of my neck!"  
"What about you, Tris?" Ellie asks, tilting her head towards me.

"I don't know…I…" I pause as I watch one of the tattoo artists walk into the back room.

I recognize her instantly as the woman who administered my test.

"Hang on. I'll be right back…" I mumble to Ellie and then take off in the direction of the tattoo artist.

She looks up when she feels my presence at the back room door but she doesn't look pleased to see me.

"You want a tattoo?"

I shake my head slowly.

"No…You do remember me, right?" I say slowly.

"I forgot you were dauntless, I saw your tattoos when you gave me the test but I didn't even think about you being here when I chose dauntless."

She doesn't respond to me.

After a minute of awkward silence I speak again.

"I was wondering if maybe you could tell me more about—"

She looks up at me for a moment.

"I only do tattoos here. Sorry." She says rifling through a few papers and trying her hardest to ignore me.

"But you helped me once—"

"Yes, I did and I told you to pick abnegation and you didn't. I've reached my help quota. That's all you get. Sorry."

"What? That isn't fair! I _was_ going to pick abnegation it's just that…things…things change."

"I only do tattoos." She says through her teeth.

"Fine then. I want one."

She looks at me, raising an eyebrow like she doesn't believe me.

I glance around the room at the many pictures of tattoos posted and point at one that has the abnegation symbol on it.

"That one. I want that one."

"Typical, but it doesn't seem very dauntless to me." She says with a smirk on her face.

She's right.

I take a look at the wall again and my eyes land on the dauntless flames.

"Okay. That one, then." I say as I point towards it.

She looks at it for a moment and then shrugs.

"_And_ the abnegation one." I add.

She looks up at the two symbols and then ushers me into the chair.

…

"Did I ever tell you how much I love your tattoo?" Jack asks staring at my shoulder blades where the two symbols are printed into two conjoining circles.

"Only about twelve thousand times since I got it, Jack." I reply as we wait in the pit for Zeke and Eric with the rest of the initiates.

He laughs at my response and Ellie puts an arm on my shoulder.

"I like her hair more." Ellie offers.

After we'd gotten tattoos that night I'd chopped a good amount of hair off. It now reaches to the middle of my neck, not even long enough to touch my shoulders.

I look so far from the abnegation girl that I was that I barely recognize myself in the mirror.

I think that had been the point.

"Anyway, stop flirting with her, Jack. Don't you know she hates all males?"

I turn to look at her.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She laughs a little.

"Relax. It's a joke, but you do sort of completely ignore all male attention."

I roll my eyes.

"Not true. I hang out with Will, Zeke and your brother all of the time."

Ellie gives me a disbelieving look.

"You can't even look my brother in the eye."

I frown because I know it's true.

I avoid Al as much as I can.

He isn't exactly quiet about his feelings for me and all it does is make me feel uncomfortable.

"Is it an abnegation thing?"

Yes and no.

I am not comfortable with male attention mostly because I'm not used to it.

It's also because the only male attention I want, I understand that I am never going to get again.

"No. It's not an abnegation thing. I just…"

"Oh my god…" Ellie says softly. "You're in love with someone aren't you?"

I blush immediately and shake my head.

"Where'd you get that idea from?"

"The look on your face."

Jack lets out a low whistle.

"Who is it? Someone in dauntless?"

I can't help but let out a scoff.

"So from that reaction I'm guessing it's no…not dauntless…" Jack says.

I don't respond.

"Okay, now you_ have_ to tell us about your super secret abnegation romance. I want to know about the guy who got you to say more than hello to him."

"Shut up." I say quietly but Jack just grins.

"Sore subject?"

"Please. Shut up." I repeat.

He holds up his hands in defense and starts to walk over towards Teresa on the other side of the room.

Ellie looks up at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"It's fine." I say quietly. "Can we just move on with our day?"

She nods a little and we both turn to see as Eric and Zeke enter the pit together.

"Today," Eric starts. "We're going to do some hand to hand combat. Zeke will go over some combinations with you. Then we'll pair you up." He says walking down the line of us.

"At the end of today. You'll know where you stand in the rankings. Remember, now we have to choose you."

I don't miss the way Zeke rolls his eyes at Eric's words but everyone else seems to.

For the next three hours, Zeke goes over combinations with us.

He shows all of us how to punch, how to avoid getting hit, all the things he'd already taught me.

I can tell Ellie is annoyed with how easily I'm catching on and she's not the only one.

Eric has been watching me intently all day, waiting for me to slip up but I haven't.

When we hit the three-hour mark, Eric calls time.

He has Ellie fight first with a dauntless born and she loses within three minutes.

Eric barely even congratulates the winner before moving on to the next duo.

The next person I recognize is Jack.

He beats a blonde female erudite transfer easily, though he takes a good hit to the eye in the process.

After they exit the ring, Eric looks over at me and grins.

"First jumper!"

He never calls me anything but First Jumper or Stiff.

He glances around the room for a moment as if he's truly considering who my opponent should be.

Then his eyes land on Peter, the candor transfer who kept calling me stiff before I jumped into the net.

The same boy who makes crass comments whenever I'm changing or bending over for any reason.

He's also three times my size.

"First jumper, Peter, in the ring." Eric says.

I watch Peter as he makes his way into the ring and start to panic.

I'll _never_ beat him.

Not even if I suddenly gained twenty pounds.

"That's not fair, Eric."

The voice that speaks up belongs to Zeke and all the initiates turn to look at him.

"Excuse me?" Eric questions.

"I said that's not fair. He's nowhere near her weight class."

Zeke had told me earlier that he'd appealed to Max to at least _try _and keep the weight classes the same when it came to pairing initiates up for combat, but Eric hadn't exactly been following the rules.

Eric shrugs.

"I think she can hold her own."

I start to walk slowly toward the ring, steeling myself for defeat. Before I can climb in, Zeke is at my side.

"Tris, listen, take a hit, go down and stay down." He says into my ear. "Don't stay in it longer than you have to."

"Zeke, I can't do that." I say insistently. "I need a good ranking. I already bombed at shooting, I can't lose this."

Zeke lets out a sigh.

"Okay. Move around a lot. You're tiny, use it to your advantage. Get a throat shot in if you can, alright?"

I nod a little and then climb into the ring.

Peter grins at me.

"You think those dauntless flames on your shoulder are going to make you a fighter?"

I glance at the tattoo across my shoulder blade and shrug.

"Do you ever do _anything _but talk?"

He makes a move towards me but I duck him easily.

"Come on, Tris, let's play." He says moving forward for another punch that I dodge again.

"Quit dodging!" I hear Eric's voice. "Do something!"

I move towards him and throw out a punch but it doesn't even faze him.

It's like hitting foam.

Then I feel his fist collide with the side of my head.

I am seeing stars as I stumble backwards trying to catch my breath.

He hits me again, closer to my mouth this time and I feel my lip split open.

Then his elbow connects with my chin and I hit the ground, palms pressed flat against the ground.

"Lights out Tris." I hear and then his foot connects with my face and I don't feel anything at all.


	15. Chapter 15

When I wake up, my head is pounding and there's an ice pack pressed against my swollen lip.

I open my eyes slowly and find myself in one of the nurse's station beds staring up at Shauna, Zeke and Ellie.

"And she awakens." Zeke says with a little smile as Shauna and Ellie peer over me from either side of the bed.

"I thought you'd _never_ wake up." Ellie says.

I touch my face, feel the swelling, and cringe.

"What happened?" I say my voice sounding dry.

"You took a beating." Shauna says quietly.

"…but you did pretty well up until the whole 'lights out' part from what Zeke tells me."

I let out a groan.

"Peter is such a tool." I whisper .

Ellie and Zeke chuckle.

"My face feels like it got run over by a truck."

Zeke nods a little.

"Yeah, well at least your alive."

I pull myself to a seated position holding the icepack to my lip.

"What's my ranking?"

I say looking between the three of them.

They exchange a look with each other but don't say anything.

I close my eyes tightly.

"Come on guys, I can handle it."

"It's…below where it should be." Zeke says softly and I let out a loud groan.

"I'm never going to make it."

"Yes you are." Ellie insists. "If I can get a good enough ranking to stay dauntless. I _know_ you can. Besides, you're not _always_ going to be paired with Peter. That was just Eric trying to intimidate you."

"Why does he hate me so much?"

"Because you're something he can't have." Shauna says darkly.

"He hates that."

Zeke nods a little bit.

"We should let you get your rest. You're still required in the pit tomorrow. Eight AM."

I nod.

"I'll be there. Trust me."

"'Night Tris." Ellie says quietly and leans down to kiss my forehead before she disappears from the room.

"Sleep well." Zeke says before squeezing my arm and exiting holding Shauna's hand.

Fifteen minutes after they leave, I drift off into a fitful sleep.

My mind immediately thrusts me into a dream where I'm fighting Peter underwater while trying to save a drowning Ellie all at the same time.

Then it shifts into something else.

Something nicer.

I'm in an abnegation bedroom.

No colors, no decorations, just the simplicity of the white walls and nice bed.

"Fancy meeting you here."

I recognize the voice almost instantly.

It sets my whole system ablaze.

I slowly turn around and find myself facing Tobias.

"_Tobias."_ I breathe, so excited to see him that I can hardly contain myself.

I know I should be angry with him.

Pissed.

But as he stands there with that beautiful smile of his, I can't manage to be anything but incredibly happy.

I cross the room in two strides and without thinking, press my lips hard against his.

Then before I can do anything else I wake up abruptly, completely out of breath.

…

"Hey, Al's throwing a party. You going?" Jack asks me as I make the trek back from the dining hall to the initiate dorms.

I'm exhausted.

After getting my ass kicked by Peter three days ago I'd had to do it over and over again in the ring all week long with a rotating spectrum of people who are bigger and stronger than me.

I had to put in extra over night work with Zeke and even then I still have only won two of the five fights I'd had to endure this week.

"Jack, I'm exhausted. A party sounds like hell right about now."

"Aw come on, Tris. Live a little." Jack pleads with me.

I look up at his pouty face and roll my eyes.

"Alright, but I can't promise I'll stay more than twenty minutes."

"Awesome." Jack says with a grin. "I'll see you there." He says already heading in the opposite direction.

Once I reach the initiate dorms I take a long time looking at myself in the mirror.

I'm bruised absolutely everywhere.

My face looks like a black and blue basketball it's so bloated, but the bruises are not what is making me completely unrecognizable.

It's the definition in my arms.

Muscle.

It's the tense set of my jaw.

The burning look in my eyes.

I look stronger.

Much stronger and brighter than the abnegation girl I used to be.

Beatrice.

I don't even know who that is anymore.

"Want help covering up those bruises?"

I turn around and find Ellie, dressed in a black skirt, tank top, and black boots.

"Sure." I say softly.

If there is one thing Ellie is good at, it's make-up.

I'd never touched the stuff before, but it is pretty popular here in dauntless.

She spends almost a full twenty minutes on my face before she is satisfied.

"I couldn't hide them completely, but you're definitely presentable."

I nod a little.

"Thanks El. Now where exactly _is_ this party that your brother is throwing?"

She grins at me and links an arm with mine.

"Come on, time's a-wastin'" She says with a grin and then pulls me out of the dorms and into the hallway.

…

I learn once we get there that Al's party is being hosted in a bar.

I've never been to one before but the apparent goal is to get incredibly drunk.

The bar is in the pit nestled between a clothing store and one of the many tattoo parlors.

I can barely hear anybody over the blare of the music and the lights are giving me a headache.

"Ellie!" I scream across the room.

I'd lost her about ten minutes ago and all I want to do is go home but I promised I wouldn't leave without her.

"Not having fun?"

I turn around and find myself looking at Will.

I shrug a little.

"It's just not really my thing."

Will brings a plastic cup to his lips and takes a sip.

"Tris, your abnegation is showing again."

I frown.

"It often does. Have you seen Ellie?"

Will shakes his head.

"Nope. Sorry." He shakes his head a little bit.

"Why don't you just relax? Have a drink? You've had a rough week." He hands me the plastic cup he'd been sipping out of and I stare down into it.

The amber liquid smells like acid but he's right.

I have had a rough week.

I bring the cup to my lips and take three large gulps.

The last time I'd had alcohol was after we found out what Eric had done to Christina two years ago.

The last time I'd had alcohol I had been with Tobias.

I take another large gulp to erase that memory and then hand the cup back to Will.

"I need to find Ellie!" I yell over the music and he nods as I push past him to move through the crowd.

"Hey, it's first jumper!"

I don't recognize the boy who calls me out but Chloe and Teresa are with him along with several others I don't recognize.

"Hey, first jumper." He says again, his words slightly slurred. "Want a drink?"

"No, actually have you seen Ell—"

He thrusts a plastic cup into my hand anyway and doesn't bother to hear the end of my sentence before walking off in the opposite direction.

I let out a frustrated groan and take a large sip from the cup.

"There you are!"

I feel cold hands on my shoulder and turn around to see Ellie.

_Finally. _

"I've been looking for you _everywhere_!" She says an annoyed expression on her face.

"Are you kidding? I've been looking for you!" I insist. "Ellie, I _really_ want to go home, can we just—"

"No!" Ellie whines, pouting at me.

"Tris, this is the first time you've had any fun all of initiation. Please, _Please_ try and have a good time. Please? For me?"

"Ellie—"

"Oh come on, Tris. You'll hurt my feelings by not having any fun at my party."

Al comes up behind his little sister, one arm wrapping around her shoulders.

I close my eyes for a moment and breathe.

They're right.

I _do_ need to loosen up, I'm just not sure that _this _is the way to do it.

"Come on, Tris." Ellie takes my hand and squeezes it.

"You're dauntless now."

She's right.

I am dauntless now, or at least I'm trying to be.

The abnegation in me needs to be stifled.

"You're right." I say taking another long sip of my drink.

"I'm sorry. I _am_ having a good time, Al."

Al smiles.

"Great, glad to hear it."

Ellie wiggles out of his grasp and runs over to Jack who is across the room flirting with Chloe.

"You know what the best revenge is?"

I shrug my shoulders.

"I'm not trying to get revenge on anybody."

Al grins.

"Of course you are. After what Stiff did to you?"

I take another large sip.

"Don't. Not tonight."

He holds up his hands in surrender.

"I won't mention him ever again after this moment, I promise. I just wanted to say that the best revenge is to have a good life, Tris."

I shrug my shoulders.

"I already do have a good life, Al." I say as I take another sip of my drink and for the first time, realize that most of it is already gone.

…

It's late and the party has died down some.

I'd lost Ellie hours ago though Shauna told me that she'd disappeared somewhere with Jack hours ago.

I am sitting in a corner with Al debating whether or not I should go to bed yet.

"Congratulations on the rager, Al." I say teasingly.

"Why thank you." He grins.

"What made you want to throw a party anyway?" I say, being very careful with my words so that they don't slur.

My brain feels heavy and every time I speak I have to wade through fuzziness to get to the right words.

"Do you want my honest answer?"

I look at him for a moment and then slowly nod.

"You."

I open my mouth a little bit and then close it.

"You threw this entire party…for _me_?"

Al looks away for a moment and then he shrugs his shoulders.

"Yeah. I mean…not entirely for you…but you've had a rough couple of weeks. I just wanted you to be able to let off some steam, all of the initiates really."

I shake my head a little.

"Al, you're a really good person."

He blushes and looks away from me for another moment.

"Not good enough to date, though. Right?"

I shake my head slowly.

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to." Al says quietly. "A girl like you could never love a guy like me. You're too…" He trails off looking at me.

"Too what?" I press.

"…Special."

I let out a tiny laugh.

"What does that even mean?"

"Aw come on, Tris. You know it's true. There's something special about you. You have that little extra spark the rest of us don't have."

"I don't think that's true."

"Do you know how much you've changed from the first time I met you?"

He reaches over and touches my cheek with his palm.

I'm uncomfortable almost immediately but I don't pull away.

I don't want to hurt his feelings or contradict anything that I've just said.

"You're like this entirely new beautiful version of yourself. It's totally mesmerizing."

I take his hand off my cheek and gently push it back towards him.

"You know Al, sometimes I think you're as crazy as your sister."

He stares at his hand for a moment and then nods slowly.

"You know, when I found out Stiff broke up with you, I couldn't believe it."

My stomach squeezes painfully.

"Yeah, join the club. It was pretty unbelievable for me too." I say through my teeth.

"Tris…"

I look up at the specific way he says my name.

Breathy, unsure, slurred.

"Stiff is crazy to let a girl like you go."

"Al—"

His lips press against mine hard.

He tastes like alcohol and peppermint and his body is heavy when it's pressed against mine.

Immediately I start to panic.

I can't do this.

I can't.

I'm not ready.

I'm not.

_He's not Tobias._

I pull away quickly and Al looks at me with wide eyes.

"That was amazing." He whispers his lips still dangerously close to mine.

"You're drunk, Al." I say.

"I know…I know, and I'm sorry that our first kiss happened that way but-"

"Al." I shake my head hard.

"I don't…this isn't going to turn into anything. I'm sorry. I'm…I'm not ready."

Al watches me for a long moment.

"I know that's not the only reason."

He's right, but I don't have the heart to confirm it.

I don't have feelings for him like that.

I never have.

I stand up quickly, ignoring the dizzy spell that hits me as I do.

"I have to go, I'm sorry."

I start to move past Al, stepping over empty cups and bottles on my way.

"Tris wait! I'm sorry! Don't go!"

I know I should turn around, stay, be a good friend, comfort him but I can't.

I start the trek back to the initiate dorms but halfway there I realize that that's not where I need to go.

I need to go to abnegation.

It takes me all of two seconds to switch directions.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Oh my gosh, thank you guys so much for being patient! Life totally got in the way of my writing so this chapter took a little bit longer to get up. **

**Thank you for your patience and thank you in advance for your reviews.**

**I love you all! Hope this chapter was worth the wait!**

**Tobias **

I don't like the way that Zeke looks at me now, like he's afraid I'm going to lose it at any given moment.

Then again, I can't exactly blame him.

I look pretty terrible.

I haven't slept properly since choosing day and it shows in the dark circles permanently indented underneath my eyes.

We sit together on the steps of the hub, side-by-side, hidden in the shadows of the building, not really meeting each other's eyes.

It's hard to find the right words to say to each other.

Things have changed so much in just a matter of weeks and neither of us is particularly prepared to face it.

I have been meeting Zeke every other day since choosing day for updates on _her._

I try my best not to think her name.

It makes it easier.

It would be better if I could avoid thinking about her altogether but that isn't an option.

I _have_ to think about her.

I still have to protect her.

It's the only thing I have left.

"How's combat going?" I ask in a dry voice.

"Better than it was. She's won her last couple of fights."

I nod slowly.

"And the social aspect? Is that getting any better?"

Zeke looks up at me for a moment.

"Actually, yes. She's really good friends with Al's little sister, Elena and one of the other initiates, Jack. She mostly goes by Tris now."

He's quiet for a moment, tilting his head.

"Al threw a party tonight and she actually went. That's a huge step in the right direction."

My stomach squeezes uncomfortably at the mention of Al and of Tris attending any party that he'd thrown.

I try not to let it show.

"And Jeanine?" I ask quietly.

"She's been around. She always is but she hasn't shown any particular interest in Tris. Then again, this isn't really the part she pays attention to. We haven't gotten to the fear simulations yet."

"Fear simulations?" I question.

"It's the second phase of initiation. We get inside your head, have you face your deepest fears. It gets kind of intense but that's the part Jeanine is always interested in."

"Why?"

"Because it puts your brain on display. How you think, how you react to certain situations, if you're divergent it's only a matter of time before it shows."

"Do you run those?"

Zeke raises an eyebrow at me.

"The fear simulations? I mean, yeah but Eric will be there too."

"Not with Tris. It has to be just you. You've got to help her. You have to fake the results."

Zeke looks at me for a moment and then shakes his head.

"Stiff, I don't know if I can promise you that. Eric is already on my case about treating the initiates as initiates and not friends, if I tamper with her results it'll be too obvious. He knows we're close."

"What does she have to do to avoid suspicion?"

Zeke pauses for a moment, thinking.

"Do everything the way that a dauntless would. If she does that it would be impossible to tell the difference between her results and normal ones."

I chew on my bottom lip for a moment, a nervous habit that I'd picked up over the last couple of weeks.

"Do you think she can do that?"

Zeke shrugs.

"I don't know. I mean, irregular test results have happened before and it doesn't always mean trouble. Uriah did okay enough not to raise suspicions in his simulations, maybe Tris will too."

I shake my head slowly.

"I can't risk that, Zeke."

"I don't know what else I can do, Stiff."

I pause for a moment, my brain working fast to come up with a solution.

"Show me how to do it."

Zeke raises an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"Put me in a fear simulation."

Zeke opens his mouth for a second and then closes it.

"Why?"

"So that I can learn how to do it and then I can show her…I can show Beatrice how it's done."

Zeke tilts his head a little bit.

"I'm missing something. How is that going to help? Last time I checked you're just as divergent as she is."

I nod quickly.

"Yes, but Beatrice runs on impulse. You put her in that simulation and her divergence is going to light up like a candle. I have the ability to shut my natural impulses off. My father ingrained it in me so that I would get an abnegation aptitude test result. I can show her how to do it too."

I never thought I'd be grateful for Marcus Eaton coaching me through my aptitude test but there is a first time for everything.

"Okay…but don't you think you should tell her what's going on first? Correct me if I'm wrong but, something tells me she won't be too receptive to your help the way things are right now."

He's right but I am one thousand times not ready to have that conversation with her.

"I don't think it's a terrible idea for you to come back to dauntless, Stiff. Now that she's made friends and doesn't want to run home to abnegation constantly…I think you should tell her what's going on."

It sounds easy but I know that it won't be.

I know Beatrice.

Forgiveness is not something she easily hands out.

I don't even know if there _is_ forgiveness for what I'd done.

Understanding maybe but forgiveness…I'm not sure.

I don't even know what to say to her.

Nothing justifies what I did.

Not really.

Not now that I know Jeanine is everywhere and she's in just as much danger in dauntless as she would've been in abnegation.

"I don't know. I have a lot going on in abnegation right now, Zeke."

It's an excuse, but it isn't a lie.

I have been busy these last few weeks in abnegation.

I want to help protect my faction the best way that I can and I realized quickly that meant I'd have to work closely with my father because he's an abnegation leader.

That is what my days consist of.

Working closely enough with my father to hear important, whispered, tidbits of information that could possibly be useful in the future.

He never tells me anything directly of course, that would be asking for too much.

My father still has a temper, he will always have that, but he doesn't intimidate me anymore.

He can't.

Because I know that if I needed to, I could beat him at his own game thanks to my dauntless training.

Then, there is the fact that I am still dealing with Evelyn.

She is constantly pressuring me to leave abnegation and join up with her and her little army of factionless soldiers.

I get a note handed to me at least twice a day from one of the factionless.

For now, I'll I've done is crumple them up and throw them away.

Trusting her is proving to be too difficult a task right now.

I don't know what being factionless would hold for me.

I'm not ready to find out.

Zeke nods slowly.

"Okay. Understood, but the longer you wait at this point the easier you're making it for her to…" Zeke tilts his head a little and then shrugs. "I don't know…move on."

I look up at his words, my heart skipping a beat and then banging hard against my chest.

"Move on? Is there something you're not telling me?"

Zeke lets out a long sigh, his eyes shifting towards the left of me so that he doesn't have to meet my eyes directly.

"Al _really_ likes her, Stiff."

My heart squeezes painfully.

I'd be lying if I said a part of me hadn't expected this. I'd practically pushed him on her.

The words I'd said to her on choosing day echo in my brain.

_ "Al has always sort of showed in an interest in you. Maybe there's something for you there. Not here."_

I cringe at the memory of how disinterested I'd sounded.

The reality is that the thought of Beatrice with someone else sends my entire system into a frenzy.

I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't speak.

She is not meant for anyone else except for me the same way that I am not meant for anyone else except for her.

"What are you trying to tell me, Zeke?"

"Nothing. I don't know. I just think you need to consider that Beatrice has other options and—"

"You were the one who told me to stay out of Dauntless!"

I'm angry now and even though it's irrational to direct it at Zeke, I do it anyway.

I'm not mad at him.

I'm mad at myself.

Zeke is just an easier target.

"For a week!" Zeke fires back.

"Maybe two! Not forever like you seem to be planning on!"

I run a hand through my hair taking a deep breath and then stand up abruptly.

"I don't know what you want from me." I say in a quiet voice and Zeke stands up and looks down at me.

"I want you to be that person that I met that night on the train to dauntless who told me he wanted to stand up for himself. That person, who fought _so _hard to be able to do just that."

"I _am_ that person—"

"No, you're not. Not anymore, because that person, that stubborn, stupid stiff wouldn't be wasting time idling away in abnegation. _That_ person would be half way to dauntless already. Half way to Tris."

I stare at him for a moment and suck in a deep breath.

He's right.

I'm not that person anymore.

Losing Tris had taken all of the fight out of me and I have no idea how to get it back.

I don't know who this new version of me is and I don't know how to trade him in for the old me.

I stand up quickly, staring at the ground.

"Thank you for the update. " I say in a small voice.

"Stiff—"

"Keep her safe. Okay?" I cut him off quickly.

He stares at me for a moment but then nods slowly.

I don't waste time before walking down the front steps of the hub, back towards abnegation.

…

When I finally get home all I want to do is sleep but the moment I push open my bedroom door, I know that that isn't going to happen.

Something is wrong.

At first I can't place it.

Then I realize there's a soft breeze moving through the room from the open window.

That wouldn't be so strange really.

Only, I know _I_ didn't leave the window open.

Adrenaline moves through me quickly at the realization.

My eyes roam over the room for a moment and I realize that I'm not alone.

There is a girl standing close to the wall next to the window, her short blonde hair blowing slightly in the breeze. Her back is to me and I can see the outlines of a tattoo across her shoulder blade.

I try to say something to her but my breath catches in my throat.

Then she turns around and pierces me with grayish-blue eyes.

My heart flies into an immediate panic.

Those are the exact same grayish-blue eyes that last time I'd seen them, were filled with tears and anger.

_Beatrice_.

My veins are buzzing with appreciation at just being near her again.

I am not prepared to see her, yet here she is, even if I barely recognize her.

Her hair is cut so short that it barely reaches her shoulders.

There's something else different too but I can't quite place it.

Her energy is different.  
Stronger.

Confidence maybe?

I can't be sure.

She watches me for a long moment and then slowly crosses her arms over her chest.

I open my mouth to say something but she beats me to it.

"Hey." She says quietly.

It's such an anti-climactic greeting after everything that has happened between us but also somehow, incredibly fitting.

I shake my head slowly.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to say.

I am not prepared for this.

Her eyes move to the carpet and I watch her, still searching for something to say, anything.

My lips are shaking when I finally open my mouth to speak.

"…You cut your hair."

The words fall flat and I'm embarrassed that that is the only thing I can think of to say right now.

She reaches up and touches her short tresses for a moment like she'd forgotten about them.

"…and got a tattoo." I nod a little as if to reinforce my words to myself.

She pushes some of her hair back behind her ear and then looks up, locking eyes with me.

"I kissed someone tonight." She says, her words coming out in quick staccato breaths.

The swooping feeling in my stomach is painful.

She kissed someone else.

_She kissed someone_.

I waited too long.

Zeke was right.

I still have no words.

"Did you hear me? I said I kissed someone tonight."

I take a deep breath and nod slowly.

"And how was that?" I finally manage to say.

She lifts her shoulders in a shrug.

"The truth?"

I nod slowly again.

"He wasn't you." She says, her voice breaking on the word 'you'.

I close my eyes for a moment, trying to hold myself together.

"I need to know why." Her voice breaks through my cloudy brain.

"I think I have a right to know_ why_ at the very least. We were together for two years. Don't you think I deserve that?"

"Beatrice…" I shake my head a little.

"Please. I just want to know the truth. I don't care what it is. I'm not..." She pauses for a moment looking up at the ceiling and after a moment or two I realize it's because she's trying to keep from crying.

"I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have come here. I don't…I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry…" She moves quickly, darting towards the window but I move forward and catch her arm quickly.

"You're not stupid." I say softly.

She looks up at me her bottom lip trembling.

I reach my hand out and brush my thumb over it, the same way that I've always done.

She pulls back quickly shaking her head just a little from side to side.

"What are you doing?"

I shake my head a little dropping my hand.

"I don't know. I didn't mean to—"

"You can't do stuff like that anymore. You broke up with me, remember?"

"I…Beatrice…"

"What? You keep saying my name like you have something to say but you won't say it."

"I…"

"What? You _what?"_

"I'm just…I'm not…I'm not ready to have this conversation with you."

She stares at me for a long moment and then lets out a sound to show her disbelief at my words.

Then she starts crying.

_Really_ crying.

Loud, wracking, shoulder-shaking, sobs that are completely uncharacteristic of the girl that I knew.

It only takes a half a second for the flip to switch to anger.

"What the _hell_ does that even _mean!?"_

I don't know why I didn't notice before, but the smell of alcohol hits me hard all of a sudden and I stare at her for a moment.

"Beatrice, are you drunk?"

She looks up at me her cheeks flushing pink for a moment.

"That is not the point!" She reaches forward and shoves me hard, her palms flat against my chest and I stumble back.

"Answer my GOD damn questions!"

"I…I don't know how!"

"Don't know how to _what?_!"

I reach up pressing the heels of my hands into my temples trying desperately to make my head stop pounding.

"I don't know how to tell you that I made the biggest mistake of my life telling you to choose dauntless!"

She stares at me open-mouthed for a moment.

"I don't know how to tell you, Beatrice, that I hate myself every moment of every day because of the things I said to you."

She lets out a dry sob.

"I don't know how to tell you that I miss you so much it hurts. Every day. I don't know how to tell you that you're the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing when I go to sleep at night."

I take a deep breath.

"I don't know how to tell you that I thought I was protecting you, when the truth is I can't protect you. Not really, no matter how I hard I try."

I suck in a couple of breaths quickly, attempting to regulate my breathing.

"I don't know how to tell you that I'm terrified of losing you, Beatrice. I don't know how to tell you any of that."

"Are you telling me that you didn't want to break up with me?" Her words are quick, breathy.

I shake my head slowly, yes.

She stares at me for a long moment and then walks to the opposite side of the room and starts pacing.

I watch her for a long time and then she finally pauses and looks up at me.

"I want the truth. I deserve it. Start from the beginning."

I look up at the ceiling for a moment and then take a deep breath.

"The night before choosing day I went to go see my mother."

She doesn't speak or look up at me, just continues her pacing.

"I didn't give you all of the information that I knew."

"Like what?"

"Like…the fact that Jeanine Matthews is planning on wiping out all divergents and she's going to start with abnegation."

"Jeanine Matthews, the erudite leader?"

I nod slowly.

"When?"

I shake my head.

"I don't know."

Her mouth opens slightly and then she rolls her eyes shaking her head.

"_That's _why you wanted me in dauntless…"

"Do you blame me? I didn't want you anywhere near here if it meant that you could get hurt."

She lets out a scoff.

"So you just decided to change the _entire_ course of _my_ life because _you_ decided that I wasn't safe? Without even telling me?"

I open my mouth to say something but then realize nothing I say will sound any better and close it slowly.

She shakes her head slowly and resumes her previous pacing.

"I was just trying to protect you Beatrice, I never wanted to hurt you."

"You _ruined_ our lives."

She says quickly, feet still moving rapidly across the room, back and forth.

"It doesn't have to be like that. You don't have to see it that way. You can make the best of this situation Beatrice. You were born to be in dauntless, you—"

"Stop! I never wanted this!"

"I _know_. I know that, but there is nothing either one of us can do about that now."

She shakes her head slowly, lips trembling.

"This isn't fair, Tobias you never even gave me a choice, you just took my life into your hands regardless of what I wanted, what would make me happy—"

"Because I would rather have you alive, miserable and hating me than happy and dead!"

She lets out a loud scoff.

"When were you planning on telling me all of this?!"

I reach a hand up to scratch the back of my neck.

"I was planning a trip to dauntless I just…I needed to make sure that you adjusted first."

"What are you talking about?"

"I didn't want to come in right away. You had to adjust to dauntless life on your own. You had to make friends. We needed you to pass initiation."

She blows out a breath and holds up a hand for a moment.

"We?"

I turn away from her for a moment.

"Zeke and I." I mumble quietly.

"You and Zeke…" She shakes her head.

"Wow. Okay." She bites down on her lip.

I move towards her but she takes a step back.

I close my eyes for a moment.

"I was doing what I thought was right, Beatrice, and maybe my methods were completely backwards but at the end of the day _you_ were the one with that knife in your hand on choosing day. It was you who picked those lit coals Beatrice. I didn't force your hand. Some part of you _wanted _to choose dauntless, can you at least admit to that?"

"Of course a part of me wanted to choose dauntless! That wasn't the point! A part of me wanted to choose abnegation too!"

I don't know what to say her.

I don't know how to make this better.

I don't know how to move past the situation that I'd put us in.

She shakes her head hard.

"So what, then? You and Zeke have been meeting in secret, planning my life out for me?"

I close my eyes for a moment and then shrug my shoulders.

"It isn't like that. We're just trying to—"

"Protect me?" She shakes her head again.

"News flash. I don't need to be protected. What I needed was for you to tell me the truth, to trust me enough to know that I'd make the right decision for myself."

I watch her, her chest rising and falling rapidly with anger a light red color seeping through her cheeks and realize that I don't know this girl at all.

She'd been gone for only a month and yet dauntless has changed her into a different person.

A different person, with remnants of the Beatrice that I'd known in abnegation.

Every inch of me wants to get to know her.

"I can't take it back. All I can do is tell you that I'm sorry and I did what I did with the best of intentions and…" I pause for a moment and she stares at me expectantly.

"…And love. I did it because I love you, Beatrice."

"Oh my god." She closes her eyes for a moment and then leans her back against the wall for a moment before sliding to the ground and wrapping her arms around her knees.

I feel lightheaded as I make my way to the edge of the bed and sit, watching her across the room.

Beatrice's expressions have always have had a habit of giving her away. It always seems like I can watch the thoughts mixing and mending in her brain as she works her way through a situation.

I wait for a long time, just watching her sort through everything I'd told her before she speaks.

She stands up slowly, swaying slightly, her legs a little shaky.

"I don't want to see you." She says in a strong, clear voice.

"What?" I question confused.

She takes a moment, licks her bottom lip and continues.

"I don't want to see you." She shakes her head a tiny bit. "I don't forgive you for what you did, for what you kept doing and keeping from me. I love you, Tobias. I think that I always will…but I don't want to see you. Not in my faction, not in my life. I can't."

I take a deep breath and let her words wash over me.

She is entitled to this but I don't know how I'm going to let her go.

"Beatrice, I'm sorry. You're right. I should've trusted you…I should've—"

"Stop." She shakes her head slowly. "It doesn't matter. I don't want to see you."

Anger courses through me all at once.

I'm so angry with myself that I can't breathe.

I stand quickly and hit the wall next to the window hard.

The window rattles and pain shoots through my knuckles but I ignore it.

"I should've talked to you, Beatrice. You're right but I'm talking to you now. Does that count for anything?"

She watches me for a moment and then turns her head away.  
"No, because I still had to come here! I had to come to you for you to even consider telling me truth! I don't want to see you, Tobias. I'm done, I—"

"Then why did you come here? To tell me that you kissed someone else and you're moving on? Because that's not what this feels like."

She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"I wanted the truth."

"That's _not_ the only reason. You risked everything to come here. Why?"

"Because I needed closure!"

"Beatrice—"

"Tris. It's Tris."

I watch her for a long moment, breathing hard for a moment and then I nod slowly.

"I'm not asking you for anything, I wouldn't do that…not after…" I pause for a moment biting my bottom lip.

"I just want to help you through initiation Be—" I cut myself, sighing. "Tris."

"I think you've done enough to "help me through initiation", don't you think?"

"Tris—"

"Don't. Just stay out of it. You and Zeke both. Do you understand? I don't want to see you."

There is nothing I can do.

The choice is hers and Zeke was right.

I waited too long.

She doesn't have to forgive me.

I nod slowly.

"Okay."

She takes a deep breath and moves towards the window.

She sits on the sill for a moment and then turns her head back towards me.

"You look like hell. You should get some sleep."

Then she pushes herself out of the windowsill and I hear her feet against the side of the house climbing her way down.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: **

**Whew. Okay, this chapter is a long one. You're welcome ;) **

**a couple things first, **

**Tobias' fear landscape is different than it was in the book. **

**He is a different person, has made different choices and so naturally, his fears are different.(Same goes for Tris, when we get there.)**

**The landscapes are a mix of what they were in the book and what they were in the movie. **

**second, if you haven't followed my tumblr yet, you should! I'm writing a bunch of drabbles, it's going to get fun! divergentfanfictiononthefly dot tumblr dot com**

**you can also leave requests there! :) thanks as always for reading lovelies. **

**Tris**

I'm shaking by the time I reach the dauntless compound and it has nothing to do with the cold.

I feel like a breath of wind could knock me over at this point.

I'm so drained.

This is not how I envisioned a reunion for Tobias and I.

I'm not sure what exactly I had been expecting, but not this.

I am angry, _so_ angry that I feel heat rushing through my entire body.

How dare he?

How dare he think that he can fix this with an apology and an 'I love you'?

He'd single-handedly changed the course of my entire life and I don't know how we're supposed to come back from that.

My feet automatically carry me towards the initiate dorms but on the way there, I pass the training room.

I don't know why but the need to go in there overwhelms me.

As soon as I step foot inside, a rush of memories that has nothing to do with initiation flow over me.

This is where I had watched Tobias gain the strength to stand up to his father.

This is where Zeke had first told me that I'd be great in dauntless.

This is where, for the first time, I became uncertain about my future.

"Tris?"

I turn around slowly and find myself facing Zeke.

"What are you doing in here so late?" He asks, eyebrows raised.

I shrug.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Honestly? I thought you were Stiff."

I scoff.

"No. "Stiff" is an abnegation where he belongs."

He watches me for a moment confusion covering his face.

"What happened?"

"After the party I went to abnegation."

"You saw stiff?"

I nod slowly.

"How'd that go?"

I roll my eyes.

"Swimmingly. Except for finding out that my ex boyfriend and friend are planning out my life for me without my consent."

"Tris—"

"Just don't. You knew about all of this, you saw what it was doing to me and you just…let it happen."

Zeke looks uncomfortable for a moment and then he shrugs.

"What was I supposed to do? He's my friend too and he asked for help."

"You were supposed to be _my_ friend and tell me what the hell was going on!"

"I _was_ your friend! I still am! All I've been trying to do is help you and keep you safe."

"What part of 'I am not a helpless little girl' do you and Tobias not understand?"

Zeke lets out a sigh and takes a couple steps towards me.

"You're right. You're not, but I think you need to consider that you would've done the same thing for us."

I scoff again.

"No. Because I trust you both more than that."

"Tris—"

"Save it. I'm going to tell you the exact same thing that I told him. I don't want to see you."

"Come on, Tris."

"I'm serious. I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you."

"I'm your initiate instructor. You have to talk to me."

"Fine, but you and I are _not_ friends. Is that understood?"

"Tris—"

"Is. That. Understood?"

"Can I say just one more thing?" He looks at me with pleading eyes.

I cross my arms over my chest, waiting.

"Tobias loves you more than anything else in this world, Tris. He did what he did because he thought it would save your life, not because he wanted to hurt you."

I don't like the way his words make me feel.

They sit in my chest making it hard to breathe, hard to think.

"I'm leaving now." I say through my teeth and then turn and walk through the door leaving the training room and all the memories attached to it behind.

**Tobias**

"Are you sure you still want to do this, Stiff?" Zeke asks me as he leads me into the simulation a couple days later.

"Why wouldn't I?"

Zeke lets out a sigh.

"Because Tris isn't exactly talking to either one of us right now."

Apparently Zeke had been getting the silent treatment from Tris ever since she came to see me in abnegation.

I shrug my shoulders.

"Doesn't matter. The initiates are starting the simulations soon. I'll get her to come around enough to listen to me. I have to. I don't have a choice. "

Zeke nods a little bit.

"Alright. If you're absolutely sure, have a seat…"

I sit down in the metal recliner as Zeke moves about gathering the serum and the injector.

"You know I don't think I've ever done this for someone who actually _wants_ to go into their fear landscape. Most of the time I'm giving a "you'll be alright" pep talk right about now."

"Is she still spending a lot of time with Al?"

The question comes out of nowhere and I try to sound nonchalant about it but it doesn't really work.

Zeke looks up at me for a moment and then shrugs.

"Do you really want to know the answer?"

"I asked, didn't I?"

He sighs as he moves over to me, injector in hand.

"Yeah, Stiff. They've been kind of…hanging out. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. I asked." I mumble.

I chew on my bottom lip for a moment and Zeke holds out the injector towards me a little bit.

"Ready?"

I nod slowly.

"Remember, the goal is not necessarily to do it the fastest or easiest but to do it the most—"

"Like a dauntless…yeah, I got it."

He nods a little bit and then presses the injector to my neck.

I barely feel the needle as it pierces my neck.

…

When I open my eyes again, I am standing on the top of a very tall building.

The wind whips around me, burning my face.

It's a fierce wind and it doesn't take long before I start shivering.

At first, I don't understand, I'm not afraid of the _cold. _

I don't feel any anxiety at all until I make the stupid mistake of looking down.

Instant nausea fills me.

Now this makes sense.

Heights.

Apparently, I'm afraid of heights.

I close my eyes and attempt to breathe through it.

"Come on, Stiff. Get it together. It's just a simulation." I say to myself through my teeth.

"Think…" I mumble, glancing around. "What's the goal?"

I realize quickly that there isn't one.

I'm going to have to jump.

Even if it means to my death.

_This isn't real. _

I know that as clear as I know my own name but I also know that that isn't the point.

The point is to use the only option that a dauntless would have.

There's only one way to conquer this fear.

So I jump.

I hit the ground fast.

White-hot pain rages it's way through me but mercifully, it only lasts for a moment.

The fact that the pain has stopped tells me that I must've done well enough with that fear for the simulation to move on.

I barely have a chance to catch my breath or realize that I am now in a pitch-black small room before the walls around me start moving in.

My head moves into panic mode quickly.

This fear really shouldn't surprise me.

All the years I'd spent shut up in a closet because of Marcus.

I should've known.

I take a deep breath as the walls move closer and closer towards me.

As soon as I realize I need a tool to stop this, one presents itself in the form of a flat metal bar on the ground close to my foot.

I reach for it quickly shove it in between the crevice of the wall to stop it's path to crushing me like a pancake.

By the time the walls finally fall away, I am sweating profusely.

Suddenly, I understand the need for Zeke's pep talks.

This is wrecking my psyche and I can't imagine having to do this over and over again for weeks on end and being scored on it for initiation.

What had I gotten Tris into?

I am practically falling apart and I'd only made it through two fears.

Who knows how many more there are going to be?

Quicker than I can even process it, suddenly I am standing in abnegation.

The feeling of safety washes over me quickly.

Nothing bad ever happens in abnegation outside of the Eaton household and right now I am nowhere near it.

Then I hear the screams.

Panic seeps into my heart and buries itself there.

I start running.

I don't know where I'm going but I know that I have to find my father.

If something is wrong in abnegation he's the only one who would know exactly what to do.

That's what makes him such a dynamic leader but before I can get anywhere close to my house, I see them.

A mass of people, all clad in blue, carrying thousands of death serum injectors.

It's finally happening.

The erudite attack on abnegation that I have been dreading.

I am anything but prepared for it.

I try to keep moving but suddenly my feet are cement.

I am helpless to try and save anyone and the screams just get increasingly louder.

Innocent abnegation are dying, their screams reverberating through me but there is nothing I can do.

Nothing.

I have no choice but to succumb to it.

I fall to my knees, squeeze my eyes shut and let the screams of the innocent wash over me.

Then almost as quickly as it started, it stops.

The simulation changes again and I am now in another dark room.

I stand up quickly and wipe the few cold tears that have managed to make their way down my cheeks off of my face.

I can't see anything at all in the darkness but almost as soon as my eyes start to adjust the room is flooded with light.

I blink for a moment adjusting to the sudden change.

That's when I see her.

Tris.

She looks exactly the way that I'd seen her in my bedroom a few days ago but even more beautiful if that's even possible.

"Tris?" I question quietly, unsure.

I take a step forward and feel cold hands wrap around my arms hard, holding me in place.

I struggle against them but it does no good.

I twist around and find myself looking at Eric, his piercings gleaming in the light.

When I look back at Tris, she isn't alone, either.

Jeanine Matthews has joined her and there is a shiny black gun pressed to her temple.

"No! No! NO! This isn't happening! _Tris!"_ I pull harder against the hands that bind me but it is no use.

I can't get to her.

"TRIS!"

She looks up at me for just a moment, her fearful eyes locking with mine.

And then the gun goes off.

…

I wake up in the metal recliner, gasping for air and covered in sweat with Zeke staring down at me.

"That was intense. Are you alright?"

I shake my head quickly.

I feel like I can't breathe.

The image of Jeanine shooting Tris is reverberating around in my brain.

Zeke reaches across a table sitting towards the wall and grabs a bottle of water and hands it to me.

"Drink, it'll help."

I take a long swig and then rest my head against the back of the chair.

"Stiff? It wasn't real. Just breathe."

I do as instructed and take another gulp of water.

"How'd I do?" I say as soon as the bottle parts with my lips.

"Depends on how you look at it."

I shake my head, confused.  
"What do you mean?" I question.

"Well you finished fairly quick and that's good, I suppose."

"How long was I in the simulation?"

Zeke shrugs.

"About ten minutes."

Ten minutes.

It felt like ten hours.

Zeke pauses for a moment glancing over at the screen.

"What?" I ask curiously, his expression worries me.

Zeke turns back to look at me, lifting his shoulders slightly in a shrug.

"I've just never met anybody who only has four fears before."

"What?"

Zeke glances at the screen again.

"Heights. Confined spaces. An attack on abnegation. Tris."

He watches me for a moment.

"Four, Stiff. You only have four fears. That's…unheard of. Some people have close to twenty fears. The least I've seen is seven."

"Wait…that's impossible. I have to have more…ones that just didn't manifest themselves…"

Zeke shakes his head.

"If it didn't show up in the simulation it's not a fear. That's just the way it works, Stiff."

"Four…" I say quietly to myself.

Zeke nods.

"Four."

I shrug a little bit.

"I have no idea why that is."

Zeke stares at me for a moment and then glances at the screen.

"You need to work on the last two. You let them consume you instead of get yourself through them. The first two you were able to think through and make a choice. The last two you just let wash over you. You need to make a choice."

I nod slowly.

"Okay." I take another swig from the water bottle. "Put me in again."

Zeke's eyes widen.

"Are you crazy? No! You've been through enough for tonight."

I shake my head hard.

"Zeke, you have to put me in again. We don't have much time—"

"You're a masochist, you know that? I'm not putting you in again. Not tonight."

"Zeke, please." I beg. "I have to get this. I need to be able to help her. What I just saw…that _can't_ happen Zeke. I can't let that happen."

Zeke places a hand on my shoulder.

"Tobias…" He says softly. "It wasn't real."

I close my eyes and try to erase the image of Jeanine shooting Tris from my brain but it's no use.

It's a permanent imprint now.

"I know it wasn't, but it can be. Zeke, please. I have to get this right."

Zeke lets out a soft sigh and then nods.

"One more time, Stiff and then you're going home."

I nod in agreement and watch as he sets up the injector for another injection.

…

…

Two weeks later, Zeke tells me that the dauntless initiates are finally wrapping up the physical combat stage and moving into the fear simulations, though they are granted a three-day break between phases.

Tris has moved up in the ranks considerably but that is only a small relief.

Zeke avoids talking about Tris and Al but from the way he won't meet my eyes when I mention it, I can tell that they've continued whatever had started the night Tris had come to see me.

"Come _on_, Stiff." Shauna whines as she sits on a table in the simulation room while Zeke cleans up from our last session.

"You have to come! We're going to ride the train all night, get really drunk and play ridiculous games of dare all night."

I let out a small sigh.

For the last ten minutes, Shauna had been begging me to go with her and Zeke to an impromptu get together on the train.

There are a million reasons why I don't want to go.

For one, there is the fact that Tris said she didn't want to see me ever again.

I don't think showing up in a group of her friends at a party is going to earn me any points.

"…I don't know."

"Oh come on. Everyone will be way too drunk to realize you don't belong. Besides, I don't even think Tris is going. Ellie said something about forcing Jack to get a butterfly tattoo tonight."

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"What do you really have to lose if Tris isn't even going? You've been sneaking into dauntless for almost three years. You're _not_ going to get caught."

I look up at her for a moment and she pokes her bottom lip out as plea.

"Please, Stiff? Please?" She grins a little bit.

"Okay…I'll go but I can't stay long."

"Score!" Shauna grins but Zeke raises an eyebrow at me.

"Are you sure?"

I nod a little bit.

"Yeah…Shauna's right. What have I got to lose, really?"

"Alright." Zeke smiles a little and watches as Shauna leaves the room.

I start to follow her but Zeke pulls me back.

"I was just wondering…what stops you from fighting back when Jeanine shoots Tris in the simulation?" He asks curiously.

We've been working on the fear simulation for two weeks and I still haven't been able to make any progress with that particular fear.

I shrug a little bit.

"I don't know." I say quietly.

"We'll keep working." He says and then gently pats me on the back before we both head out the simulation room door.

…

The air is thick with cigarette smoke and the alcohol is flowing profusely.

I am not used to this aspect of dauntless life but my own cup of the burning liquid is managing to help me relax.

Zeke and Shauna always insist that I need to relax more, this is the first time that I am actually taking them up on the offer.

I watch as Uriah tries to kiss Marlene and Zeke throws a bottle at them.

Shauna laughs and leans over to speak to me.

"He's always doing that. Poor guy. Uriah's been trying to kiss Marlene for about a year now."

"You guys are so lucky." I say quietly.

Shauna raises her eyebrows at me.

"Why do you say that?"

I shrug a little.

"You just…have so much freedom."

Shauna nods a little bit.

"Yeah but so do you when you're here." She playfully touches my arm with her elbow.

I shrug and bury my nose into my plastic cup.

The dark liquid Zeke had poured into my cup smells like cinnamon but it doesn't taste like it.

"Dare!" Marlene shouts in the direction of Shauna's sister, Lynn.

"I _dare_ you to plant a big old kiss on Uriah!" She pinches his cheek as she says the words.

"Gross!" Lynn exclaims. "Not in your life!"

Marlene bursts out into laughter at the thought as the train goes over a bump.

I take a large sip from my plastic cup.

"Hey…are you okay?" Shauna asks me.

I turn a little to look at her.

"Sure, why?"

She shakes her head.

"I don't know, you're drinking like a fish. It's sort of not normal. Especially for you."

I let out a small sigh.

"It's just getting increasingly difficult to stop thinking about her."

Shauna nods a little bit.

"I figured it had something to do with Tris." She crosses her arms over her chest.

"She's still not speaking to you?"

I shake my head, no.

"Yeah. Zeke either." She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"If it makes you feel any better, I really don't think she's all that into Al. I mean…I think she's trying very hard to be…but she's still pretty hung up on you. No matter how much she doesn't want to admit it."

I shrug a little.

None of it matters.

The only thing that _does_ matter is that right now,Tris would rather jump off a building than spend any span of time with me.

"Stiff, It's going to be okay. Tris doesn't have to be the only girl for you, you know."

I turn a little to look at her and she gives me a small smile.

"She doesn't have to be your be all end all. There are plenty of other females that would jump at the chance to date to you."

Regardless of if that's true or not, I don't care.

I shake my head a little.

"I ruined everything, Shauna."

"You made a mistake. No one condemns you for it."

I let out a soft breath.

"She does."

She lets out a loud sigh looking at the ground for a moment.

"Can you promise me that you'll have just a_ little_ fun tonight? Please? Just think about something other than Tris for just a few hours."

I force a smile and nod.

"I'll do my best."

"Good." She laughs and then moves her way down the train to find Zeke.

I press myself against a corner and down the last dregs of my drink.

I'm only alone for a few moments when a girl with dark brunette hair makes her way towards me.

"Hey."

I take a moment to look her over and then force a smile.

I've seen her around a couple of times before but I don't know her name.

"Hi."

"I'm Chloe. You don't look familiar, have we met?"

I shake my head a little.

"I don't think so."

She smiles.

"Well, let's remedy that. What's your name?"

"Uh…"

She raises her eyebrows and then laughs.

"Is it a very hard question? Sorry, maybe I should've started with something simpler."

I laugh in spite of myself but she is still staring at me expectantly.

I can't give her my name.

Tobias Eaton isn't a name that you freely give out.

I can't give her 'Stiff' either.

It's a dead give away for what I really am.

The panic starts to seep in quickly.

"Um…"

Zeke appears beside me before I have time to really start sweating.

He throws an arm around me.

"This is my good friend, Four." He says smoothly.

Four?

I stare at Zeke but he just winks at me.

She looks at Zeke then back at me.

"Four. Hm. I'd love to hear the story behind that."

"I bet you would." Zeke says, grinning.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, _Four_."

I nod a little bit and glance around the room.

I'm not very good at talking to people.

Mostly girls.

Tris is the only one that I've ever felt remotely comfortable with in that respect.

"Hey Zeke, is your friend_ Four_ single?" Chloe asks, her cheeks flushing a bright pink color.

Zeke exchanges a glance with me and I quickly shake my head.

No.

I don't want to do this.

I'm not the flirting type.

I don't know how and I barely even know this girl.

Besides, I don't particularly want to start anything up with a girl who thinks my name is _Four._

Zeke shrugs.

"Why don't you let him tell you? I think I hear Shauna calling my name." He starts to walk away but I grab onto his arm.

"Really? Because I didn't hear anything at all." I say insistently.

Zeke shakes his head a little.

"Relax man," He whispers. "You can _talk _to a girl who isn't Tris without exploding. You'll be fine." He pats my back lightly.

I let go of his arm and he leaves in favor of walking the opposite way down the train.

"I'm _totally _bothering you aren't I?"

I turn a little to look at Chloe.

"No. No, you're not. I'm just…really anti social. I'm sorry." I try to smile again and she laughs.

"Well then, what on earth are you doing at a party?"

I shake my head.

"I don't know. I was invited and—"

I'm cut off by a loud banging noise on the side of the moving train; within minutes more dauntless members are climbing aboard to join the party.

It consists of several people I've never met and then I see Al easily slide into the train compartment with a small blonde haired girl right behind him.

_Tris._

I freeze.

I shouldn't be here.

This is her territory now.

I watch as Al moves through the train laughing insanely as he picks Tris up easily and puts her up on his shoulders.

Her cheeks are flushed a bright pink color and she's hitting any part of him she can reach and begging to be put back down laughing all the while.

Ellie and Jack follow them through the open train doors only moments later.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look over and find that Zeke has found his way back to me.

"You alright?"

I nod a little, yes but I'm not.

"I thought you said she wasn't coming." I say, mouth dry.

Zeke holds up his hands.

"_I_ didn't say that. Shauna did and we really didn't think she _was_ coming. Honest. She doesn't normally like going to stuff like this."

Al lets Tris off his shoulders and she gives him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before she whirls around to face the rest of the party.

Her eyes land on me before I have time to turn away.

Chloe wanders off in the direction of Ellie and Jack but I hardly even notice her leaving.

I watch as Al touches Tris' shoulder and whispers something into her ear.

She looks up at him for a moment and then shakes her head slowly.

"I need to go." I say quietly to Zeke.

He looks up at me with wide eyes and shakes his head.

"No. That isn't fair. You're our friend too. You have just as much right to be here as she does. I invited you."

I let out a shaky breath and stare at the train floor.

A moment or two later I see a pair of small black boots making their way across the train towards us.

When I finally look up, I see that the boots belong to Tris.

I wipe the sweat gathering on my hands on my black jeans.

"Hey." She says quickly.

I nod a little because I don't know what else to do.

"Hi."

She pauses for a moment, her eyes taking me in and then she looks at Zeke.

"So, are you guys here to plan some more of my life without telling me or are you guys just here for the party?"

"Tris—" Zeke starts but she holds up her hands.

"It was a joke…kind of. I come in peace." She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"It's okay with me that you're here, Tobias. I understand that they're your friends too."

I stare at her for a moment.

"Really?"

She nods slowly.

"They were yours before they were ever mine. It would be insane of me to try and keep you from them."

I just nod again.

"Okay. That's all." She says quietly before turning slowly to walk away.

I touch her arm lightly.

She turns towards me, eyebrows raised.

"Wait. Can I talk to you? Just for a minute?"

She looks at me for a moment and then slowly nods.

"I guess. Can you make it quick? I sort of came with some people." She glances in the direction of Al, who is glaring at us and probably at the way that I'm touching her arm.

She crosses her arms over her chest and waits for me to speak.

Zeke discreetly moves away and I'm so thankful for his subtlety.

"Look, I know you said you didn't want to see me—"

"It's okay. I get it. That was kind of harsh. I thought about coming to see you again…I just couldn't bring myself to climb back through that window, you know?"

I shake my head a little.

"Why not?"

She shrugs her shoulders.

"I just couldn't have that fight with you anymore."

I nod a little.

"Listen, I know you said you didn't want any more help with initiation—"

"Yeah and I meant it." She says firmly.

"Tris, I really want to make sure you get through this okay. It's my fault that you're here. Please let me help you."

She locks eyes with me for a moment and lets out a breath.

"How are you going to help me Tobias? You don't know anything about dauntless initiation—"

"I've been learning. Zeke and I have been working on phase two, the fear landscapes."

She stares at me for a moment.

"Why?"

"I…I told you. I want to help you. I want to show you mine before you have to go through yours, that way you'll be prepared. You'll know what to look for, what to do."

She tilts her head a little.

"That's such an unfair advantage."

I shake my head a little.

"I know but…I got you into this. Let me at least help you _stay_ in it."

She tilts her head for a moment, thinking.

"Okay. What do I have to do?"

I stare at her for a moment, my eyebrows furrowing.

I hadn't expected it to be this easy.

"Really?"

She nods.

"I'm not going to lie. I barely passed combat. I sort of need the help."

I run a hand through my hair and glance at Al, who is pretending to have a conversation with Shauna but is glancing up at us about every two seconds.

"You don't have to do anything really, just be willing to spend some time with me."

She bites down on her bottom lip.

"What?"

She shakes her head a little.

"Nothing. It's fine." She says but I watch as her eyes quickly glance in Al's direction.

"So you and Al, huh?" I try to sound light and non-invasive but I'm not sure it works.

She shrugs.

"Al and I are just friends, Tobias. Same as you and me."

"Same as you and me?" I say quietly.

She shrugs a little.

"You know what I mean."

I smile a little bit and don't quite meet her eyes when I speak again.

"Nothing is the same as you and me, Tris. We're not just friends. We won't ever be just friends again."

She stares at me for a moment.

"That's really unfair of you to say."

"No it isn't." I say quietly. "Not if it's true."

"Tobias…"

"Don't. Don't say my name like you feel sorry for me. I don't need the pity. Not from you."

She lets out a long sigh.

"Listen. These last couple of weeks I've had time to think. I've been going over and over it in my head and it just…there's nothing here with you and I. It wouldn't work anymore."

I shake my head hard.

"What do you mean?"

"None of it matters. Not now. Even if there was something between us other than friendship how could we possibly make that work? You're an abnegation no matter how much you dress up in dauntless black. I need to move on in the faction that I've chosen and frankly, so do you."

"So that's it then? We just walk away from this?"

She shrugs a little.

"I didn't make that decision I'm just following through with what you already put into place."

"So you expect me to find some nice, boring, abnegation girl and settle down with her while I watch you move on with some crazy dauntless guy?"

She shrugs a little.

"We just need to move on. I need to move on."

"With Al?"

She looks up at the ceiling for a moment.

"Maybe."

I let out a loud scoff.

I can't help it.

Al is a nice person, but he isn't right for her.

I can see it in the way he looks at her, like she's a prize to be won, when in reality she's a fire waiting to be lit and run it's course.

Tris is the kind of girl you have to learn how to love.

I've already done that.

"You don't believe in us anymore but I still do."

She closes her eyes for a moment.

"Tobias—"

"No. No. You told me once upon a time that you were all in, that I was stuck with you. Where is that girl now?"

"She grew up, had her heartbroken and chose dauntless!" She says loud enough for a few people to turn their heads towards us and for Al to turn his attention back towards us.

She lowers her voice a little bit.

"I was fourteen Tobias, I didn't _know_ any better—"

"So what? Now you're saying because you were fourteen you _weren't _in love with me?"

"That is not what I said—"

"Then what are you saying, Tris?"

"Can't you just leave me alone? I'm doing exactly what you wanted and now you're here pestering me—"

"Pestering you?"

She lets out a sigh and rubs her forehead.

"I just want to try something with someone in my own faction. Someone who won't lie to me because he doesn't trust that I'm capable."

"Someone like Al."

She shrugs.

"Maybe. Maybe someone like Al."

I let out another loud scoff.

"He's_ nice_. He always does what he says he will and he's never lied to me. Not once."

"Good for you."

"Stop it, Tobias."

"Stop what?"

"You _know_ what you're doing. It's not fair."

"What?"

"You're making me feel guilty for doing exactly what you wanted me to and that isn't fair!"

"I didn't want this!" I exclaim, not caring if people are eavesdropping at this point.

"Don't you dare for a second think that I wanted this! I wanted that perfect abnegation life with you just as much as you did! I wanted to keep you safe but I did _not_ want _this."_

"Well, it's too late." She says softly.

"Maybe."

"What do you mean maybe?"

"I'm not ready to give up on you, Tris."

She shakes her head a little.

"What?"

"I'm not ready to let you go. If I have to fight for you…I will."

"Fine. You're entitled to feel however you want to feel, Tobias." She says softly. "…but you and I are just friends."

I nod a little bit.

"If that's how you want it for now."

"It is."

"Okay." She slowly turns and starts to walk away but I touch her hand lightly and she turns to me.

"I don't intend to play fair with him, Tris." I say quietly my eyes moving to look at Al for a moment.

"I'm going to fight for you."

"Maybe it's too little too late." She says softly.

I move my fingers so that they are pressed against her wrist for a moment, her pulse beating through my fingers.

"Your heart's beating exceptionally fast for 'too little, too late'."

She pulls her arm away quickly.

"That isn't fair."

I shrug.

"I already told you that I wasn't going to play it that way."

"I have to go." She says quietly.

"Will you meet me in the simulation room tomorrow night?"

She closes her eyes for a moment.

"For initiation help." She says like she's not really sure that's what I intend.

I nod slowly my lips twitching into a small smile.

"What else?"

She lets out a tiny sigh.

"I don't know."

"Are you afraid to be alone with me, Tris?"

She rolls her eyes.

"See you tomorrow, Tobias."

She says quietly before heading back towards Al, but when she gets there she turns her head again to look back at me.

I smile, not really able to help it.

I watch as the blush creeps into her cheeks and she turns back around quickly to face Al and her friends.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: **

**Thank you for your everlasting patience. You can blame writers block and school for the delay. I love you all. **

**Tobias**

"Are you sure you still want to do this?" Zeke asks me the night after the train party as he watches me set up the serums for my first session with Tris.

"It's for Tris." I say defensively.

Zeke sighs.

"Yeah, I know but letting someone into your head is kind of a big deal."

I shrug.  
"I let you in."

"That was different. You're actually going to be _in_ your landscape _with_ her."

I pause for a moment to look at him.  
"I trust her, Zeke."

"I know you do Four, but do you really think it's a good idea now that she and Al—"

"You're really going to hold on to that nick name aren't you?"

Zeke shrugs.

"Four? Yeah, It suits you."

"She isn't _with_ Al. She said so herself. She and Al are just friends."

Zeke lets out a sigh.

"Do you really believe that?"

I lift my shoulders in a shrug.

"Zeke, why don't you just go ahead and tell me that you don't want me to do this instead of skirting around it?"

"Okay." He says sliding off the table he'd been sitting on.

"I don't want you to do this."

"Why?" I ask, eyebrows raised.

"Because I don't think you can do this with detached emotions. I think that it's going to get very messy with the two of you."

I lift my shoulders in a shrug.

"Maybe that's what I want."

Zeke is quiet for a moment and then he slowly shakes his head.

"Jesus Christ, Four." He says in a tone that tells me he's only slightly surprised.

"What?" I say, acting more oblivious than I am.

"You're trying to get her back, aren't you?"

"I still believe in us." I say quietly. "I just have to get her to believe again too."

Zeke is quiet for a moment and when I look up again he's slowly shaking his head, a small grin on his face.

"What?" I mumble, tilting my head to look at him.

"Nothing…it's just…every day you get a little more dauntless."

His words catch me off guard and make my whole chest glow with warmth.

"Even if I don't get her back, I still have to do this, Zeke. It's my fault she's here in the first place. I have to help her in any way that I can."

He holds up his hands up in surrender.

"Alright, alright." He says moving towards the door.

"Just remember, you have to be out of here by midnight because I won't have access to the security footage after that. Okay?"

I nod.

Zeke has been able to get me in and out of the simulation room without detection because of his access to the control room.

No one knows I've been in here if the camera footage is erased.

"Okay." He mumbles and then pushes the door open.

"Hey Zeke?"

He turns around to look at me.

"Thank you."

He smiles a little.

"You're welcome, Stiff."

I watch as the door closes behind him.

I am only alone for a few minutes when the door creaks open again.

Tris moves through the doorway quickly, slightly out of breath.

Today, her short hair is pulled back and away from her face.

I will never get used to seeing her in dauntless black with exposed arms in tank tops and tight jeans.

She's always been attractive, but this is different.

With the way she dresses now, I am constantly being confronted with how attracted to her I am.

She looks_ good, _especially right now and it takes me almost a full minute to be able to tear my eyes away from her.

"Hey." She says sounding more tired than anything else.

"Sorry I'm late, I was with Al and he kept asking me where I was going—"

"Did you tell him?" I say quickly.

She shakes her head.

"No, of course not. I just told him I needed some alone time."  
She moves towards the metal recliner in the middle of the room, her hand reaching out to touch the armrest.

"And that worked?" I question, my voice taking on an arrogant tone.

She looks at me for a moment and then nods.

"Yeah. He's very respectful."

I roll my eyes.

We both let a few moments pass by without words.

"So…how have you been?" I finally say.

"…Since last night?" She asks, eyebrows raised.

I shrug.

"Fine, I guess. Sort of nervous about this. How is this supposed to work exactly?"

"Well, the program gives you a landscape of all your fears. I'll adjust it so that you can come into my fear landscape _with _me. I'll inject you with the serum first, and then me. We'll go into my landscape together but you'll be the one making all the decisions. For practice."

She nods, following my words.

"And what will you do?"

"I'll be there for guidance."

She glances at the tiny little table where the injectors lay for the moment and then crosses her arms over her chest.

"Alright, so prepare me. What is it that you're afraid of, Tobias Eaton?"

I shake my head.

"I think you should wait and find out."

I pick up the first injector and lead Tris over to the metal recliner in the middle of the room.

I press the needle against her neck softly but I don't quite pierce her yet.

She winces automatically.

I reach over and brush my fingers across her neck lightly without really thinking about it.

"Are you okay?" I whisper.

She inhales sharply but nods anyway.

I have trouble pulling my hand away from her neck.

The need to keep touching her is overwhelming, her skin is so warm beneath my hand and the memory of what she looks like wrapped in a tangle of my blankets and sheets is almost too much to bear…

I want to do_ more_ than this.

I am barely touching her and my fingertips are electric.

I let my hand fall back to my side slowly.

"Do you still trust me?" I ask quietly.

It is a loaded question and I'm not quite sure it's fair of me to ask it but before I have time to really think about it, it's out there, floating in the air between us.

She looks up at me for a moment, tilting her head.

"Do you really think I would be here if I didn't?"

I touch her hand my fingers brushing hers for a moment.

I squeeze her fingers lightly before I finally pierce her skin with the needle.

She winces automatically but it only lasts a second.

I hold the second injector up to my own neck and take a deep breath.

"Okay, here we go." I say softly before I pierce my own neck.

**Tris**

We are standing on the top of a very tall building with the wind whipping all around us. At first I'm confused.

There is nothing scary to me about heights.

Then I remember that this isn't _my_ fear.

It's Tobias'.

I turn a little to look for him and find him next to me, slightly hunched over, breathing deeply as he stares down off the building.

"Hey!" I yell over the wind as I take a step closer to him.

"Don't look down! You're just making it worse!"

He looks up at me for a moment and then nods.

He closes his eyes and then holds out his hand towards me.

I stare at it for a moment and even though I've spent the last month hating him, my hand still itches to take his.

But I don't.

Instead, I just stare down at it like I've never seen anything quite like it before.

He opens his eyes for a moment and looks at me, reading my hesitation immediately.

"It's okay. We're going to have to jump. I only want to hold hands so I don't lose you." He says.

My eyes widen quickly and I shake my head hard.

"No…No, this isn't real! We don't have to do that. We can create something or—"

Tobias shakes his head hard.

"No, Tris! That isn't the point. The point is to do it like a dauntless would! A dauntless doesn't have the ability to _create_ something. A dauntless doesn't know that this isn't real. Understood?"

I frown for a moment.

The second we ended up on top of this building I knew that it wasn't real.

Something about the color and the way the wind feels on my face.

It's like a dream, only blurrier.

I am very aware of the fact that this simulation can go any way that I want it to.

I am in complete control.

Tobias is telling me that I need to resist that.

I don't know how.

It's as natural to me as breathing.

"So we just have to jump?"

Tobias nods.

"Unless you can think of a better idea. A dauntless idea."

I pause for a moment, looking around me.

There is another tall building across from us but not close enough to jump to.

Then I notice the long wooden plank hanging off the side of the building.

I walk over to it slowly and pull it up and then push it, trying my hardest to get it to connect with the building across from us.

Tobias comes over to help me and eventually we get the wooden plank steady on both buildings.

"We can go across now." I say, eyes wide with excitement.

Tobias looks like he might throw up at that idea.

"You would come up with a more terrifying idea than jumping."

I shake my head a little unable to keep back my smile.

"Just don't look down." I say with sympathy in my voice.

I step down on the plank and it creaks.

Tobias lets out a low whistle.

I turn a little to face him.

"Hey, just think…what's the worst thing that can happen?"

He blows air out through his nose.

"We can both fall to our deaths."

"Sure, but it's just a simulation right?"

"Yes, but you're not supposed to think like that." He says, voice shaking slightly.

I take a deep breath and start walking.

I don't think.

It's impossible to do so.

I can't _think _about what I'm doing or I'll lose my nerve.

Instead, I just keep moving, ignoring any creak I hear or swaying that I feel.

Eventually, I make it to the other side.

Once I get there, I stare across the way at Tobias, staring at the plank like it's going to murder him.

"Come on, Tobias! Get to me, you can do this!" He looks up at me and then all at once he moves across the plank.

He moves so quickly that I almost can't believe it.

It takes him less than a minute to make his way across to me.

"You alright?" I ask curiously, raising an eyebrow as he topples onto the rooftop next to me.

He takes a few moments to breathe, his eyes on the ground.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be helping you and _I_ can barely get past the first one."

I shrug.

"Don't worry about it. This is helping. If I had to do this for the first time with my own fears I'd probably be a mess."

I watch as tiny tremors move throughout his body.

He is terrified.

I don't understand why he keeps subjecting himself to this kind of torture if he doesn't have to.

He is safe in abnegation.

Why keep coming back here?

"How often do you do this?" I ask quietly.

He shrugs.

"Just the last couple of weeks…almost every other night."

"Tobias, that's insane."

"It's for you." He says quickly.

I open my mouth to say something but I'm cut off by a loud screeching sound.

"What the—"

Suddenly instead of being on top of a building we're in a dark room.

How did I miss that?

Then the walls start moving, explaining the awful screeching noise.

"Jesus Tobias, confined spaces too?" I ask him.

He nods quickly.

"This isn't real." I say again.

He shakes his head.  
"Shut down your brain Beatrice…It doesn't matter that you know that it's not real. How would a dauntless get out of this situation?"

I think for a moment but I come up empty.

How do you stop the walls from closing in on you?

Tobias lets out a little moan and I press myself close to him as the walls encircle us.

"Hey, you're alright. Just breathe. Can you do that for me?"

He nods a little, his hands coming up to squeeze my waist.

"This is ten times worse with someone else in the room." Tobias whispers.

I let out a soft little sigh.

"Don't worry. I'll think of something just…give me a second."

I rack my brain harder trying to figure out something to get us out of this mess.

Then it dawns on me. In order to stop the walls, I need a tool.

If I jam something into the crevice it will halt the progress of the wall.

Almost as soon as I think it, a tool presents itself close to my foot in the shape of a small flat metal bar.

I pick it up quickly and shove it in between the crevice of one of the walls and the screeching sound fades away.

"Good." Tobias says sounding slightly out of breath.

For a moment, nothing happens and we are still awkwardly pressed together in this paused shrinking room.

"I didn't think we'd ever be this close again." Tobias says softly.

I blow out a breath.

"Don't."

After a moment, the walls gently start to fall away.

"What's next?" I ask curiously.

"Look around you." Tobias says softly.

I glance around and I am engulfed in grey.

Instantly, I know that I am home.

My original home anyway.

Abnegation.

Everything is soft, and pleasant, not harsh and rough like it is in dauntless.

I am not used to it anymore.

My instant thought is that this fear has something to do with Marcus.

What else would scare Tobias in abnegation?

Then I hear the screams.

They fill my entire being, reverberating through me like they are my own.

I shake my head quickly.

"Tobias, what is that?"

He doesn't answer me, just stares off in the direction of the screams.

"We have to do something." I say quietly.

The fact that the simulation isn't real doesn't matter to me anymore.

I just have to stop the screaming.

I start running, towards the screams, towards the center of abnegation.

I feel Tobias close behind me, but even if he wasn't, I would still be running.

I_ have_ to help whoever is screaming like that.

I have to.

I don't know when it happened but suddenly there is a gun strapped to my waist.

I pull it out easily and I'm only half surprised at how comfortable it feels in my hand.

Once the screaming reaches a fever pitch, I find myself face to face with Jeanine Matthews.

Now it makes sense.

Tobias is afraid of the attack on abnegation and of Jeanine Matthews.

I feel him next to me, breathing hard, winded from our run here.

I hadn't realized how high this fear ran within him.

_This_ is why he needed me to pick dauntless.

The debilitating fear that _this_ was going to happen.

He couldn't let it happen to me.

I understand now.

I point the gun into Jeanine's face.

Tobias is not the enemy.

Tobias did not ruin us.

She did.

Then I pull the trigger.

We're back in the dark room now but I don't expect the walls to start caving in again.

I don't think fear landscapes repeat themselves.

"Tobias, what is this?" I ask but he doesn't have time to answer me.

Jeanine Matthews appears again but this time, I am gun less.

"I don't understand." I turn a little to face Tobias.

"We just did this."

He shakes his head.

"No…this one is—"

Then I see it.

Me.

Just as I am right now, only I'm not moving.

An odd swooping sensation fills my stomach.

It is an incredibly odd thing looking at an exact replica of yourself.

Jeanine circles around the other me and presses the barrel of the gun to my temple.

"No! NO! TRIS!" Tobias is screaming beside me and then he takes off at a run.

He is showing no sign that this is a simulation anymore.

I get the feeling that for him, this is _real._

I know that this is supposed to be _my_ trial run of fear landscapes but I can't bring myself to move.

Doesn't he know that that isn't me?

I'm right here.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to get through this fear.

How am I supposed to make the simulation move forward?

Then I watch as Tobias rushes at Jeanine.

They battle over the gun for a few moments but Jeanine overpowers him and the gun goes off and a bullet delves its way into Tobias' stomach.

"Tobias!" I scream but my legs feel like lead.

I can't move.

Tobias falls to the ground, blood escaping from the bullet hole now resting in his stomach.

"TRIS!" He's still screaming for me but Jeanine doesn't waste any time before pointing the gun at the other me and pulling the trigger.

"No! NO! TRIS!" Tobias is still screaming, a tiny stream of blood trailing from his mouth.

He's just as damaged as the other me right now but he doesn't seem to care about that; only the fact that the other me is lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood—my blood—with her eyes shut tight.

I listen to him say my name over and over again like it's going to bring me back but it doesn't.

I try to open my mouth to comfort him, tell him that it's okay, that this isn't real, that I'm right here, but nothing comes out.

I close my eyes and wait for the next fear to overtake us but when I open my eyes again I am sitting in the metal recliner in the simulation room.

I sit up quickly.

"Tobias!?"

My eyes feverishly searching the room for him and finally I find him.

He's crouched on the ground, on all fours, palms pressed flat against the floor mouth wide open like he can't get enough air in to breathe.

I slide out of the chair and kneel down beside him.

"Tobias, Tobias…it's okay. It's okay. I'm right here."

I wrap my arms around him tightly without even thinking about it.

Nothing matters right now except for what we'd just experienced together.

I have to convince him that that isn't going to happen, that I'm right here.

"It wasn't real. I'm right here. I'm right here. It wasn't real. It wasn't real."

I keep repeating myself hoping that it will convince him, make him stop staring at the floor with wide eyes.

He's breathing so hard that I'm afraid he might stop all together, his eyes fixed on the floor instead of me.

"Tobias…" I breathe and then gently touch his cheek and try to lift his face to look at me.

"Just keep breathing. I need you to keep breathing." I say quietly.

His lips are so close to mine that I can practically feel them when they shake.

"Tris." He says, still out of breath.

I nod quickly.

"Yeah, it's me. It's okay. You're okay."

He stares at me for a moment and I watch as his lips start to tremble.

"I'm sorry."

"Shh…" I shake my head a little. "It's okay. I get it. Just breathe, okay?"

He looks up at me for a moment and our eyes lock.

"I can't lose you…not like that…" He breathes and the look on his face paralyzes me.

All that pain and fear written all over his face like a page from a book.

I shake my head a little bit.

"I know…I know that. You won't. It's okay."

His expression changes then, quick as a flash to something in the middle of fear and desire.

He reaches a hand out and presses his palm against my cheek.

"Tris…"

All he says is my name but I know what's behind it.

The million 'I love you's' that we hadn't gotten to say, a million 'I'm sorry's'.

I touch his arm with both of my hands for a moment.

"I know."

He leans in slowly until his lips just barely brush against mine.

"Tobias—"

Before I can even finish my sentence, Tobias' lips ambush me.

They press against my own lightly, insistently.

My whole body is buzzing.

My brain is suddenly full of static.

For months I've been living off of the memory of what this feels like.

_Nothing_ compares to the real thing.

His lips are made for mine and it's painfully obvious now that I am experiencing them again.

Sharp tingles move through me and it's like my entire body catches fire.

He lets out a sigh against my lips that sounds like relief, like every moment spent _not _kissing me had been torture and he's finally found solace.

Our lips move together like a perfect choreographed dance.

There is not other way to explain it…

Our bodies, our hands, our lips…they remember each other.

He kisses me with urgency; like his life depends on the way my lips feel against his.

I don't want to stop.

He twists me around so that I am lying flat on the floor his body pressed against me, his lips still moving tirelessly against mine.

He pulls away for just a moment, and catches eyes with me before moving his mouth to focus on my neck for a moment.

Then, his hand pushes up my tank top.

_God, _it feels so good.

In that moment, I want to give him everything.

I can admit to myself now, here, in the heat of the moment that I miss those quiet afternoons in Tobias' room tangled up in a mess of sheets before Marcus came home.

Every part of me is screaming that this is wrong but I just can't stop.

What we just experienced together, now that I know his greatest fear is losing me, I feel like I owe it to myself to let him love me.

_No_ _one_ will love me the way that he does.

No one.

But it still doesn't change the situation.

It doesn't make me abnegation or him dauntless.

wh

This will never work the way things are now.

I can't have this anymore.

His touch, his lips, him.

It's all lost to me now.

I am dauntless.

He is abnegation.

I know this.

I don't know why I'm letting him kiss me right now.

He presses a soft kiss to my shoulder and I let out a sharp breath as I remember _exactly_

why I'm letting him kiss me.

Every kiss is like a memory jolt; every part of my skin his hand touches immediately becomes electric.

My skin remembers him, takes him in like an old friend.

It feels like I'm finally home.

But we can't have this anymore.

We've already sealed our fates.

We can't do this.

"Tobias…Tobias…stop."

He pulls away from me, shaking his head just a little bit.

"Why?" He says in a voice that sounds like it's physically painful for him to think about stopping.

"We're not thinking rationally."

He shakes his head, hard.

"Nothing about us is rational, Beatrice."

I feel the tears in my chest before they even begin to pool in my eyelids.

"I know that! That's exactly why we can't do this!"

He lets out a loud sigh.

"Is this about Al?"

I press a hand to my forehead and let out a deep breath.

"No. This is _not_ about Al."

He watches me for a moment and then closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before rolling off of me and moving to a seated position beside me.

I spend a moment fixing my shirt before I sit up.

"Tobias, it doesn't matter how we feel anymore. We made choices that we can't go back on."

He shrugs his shoulders a little bit.

"Do you know how much I hate myself for making that choice?"

"Tobias, I need you to not make this harder for me."

"Do you still love me?" He watches me with desperate eyes.

"That's not fair. Don't ask me that."

"Damn it!" He stands up quickly and before I can try stopping him He kicks the table in the corner and it topples over.

"You just _saw _why I did what I did! Why I had to leave you, why I needed to get you far away from abnegation. I can't explain it to you any other way. If you don't forgive me after that—"

"Forgive you? I forgave you weeks ago. This has nothing to do with forgiveness. Tobias, I _can't_ be with you!"

He stares at me like the words are physically cutting into him.

"Why?"

"Because we're in different factions now! What part of that is hard for you to understand? Nothing can become of this, not anymore and we _both _just have to accept it and move the hell on! I _have _to be dauntless. This is not a temporary situation for me. I finish initiation and that's it."

He stares at me for a moment and then lifts his shoulders in a shrug.

"I don't know how to stop being in love with you, Tris."

"Then maybe this is a bad idea…maybe we shouldn't be doing this, maybe we can't be friends—"

"Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn't feel like everything was shifting back into place when I was kissing you."

I let out a small sigh.

"It doesn't matter what I _felt_, Tobias. You're in abnegation."

"You keep saying that like it changes things—"

"Because it does! You aren't _here_, Tobias. You aren't dauntless and I am _sorry_ that this is the way things happened but—"

"I chose abnegation for you." He says, his voice sounding slightly unstable.

I stare at his shoes for a long moment before speaking.

"…and I chose dauntless for you." I say softly.

He runs both hands through his hair and then shrugs.

"I don't know how to walk away from you."

His words cut into my like ice.

I slowly walk over to him, reaching my hands up to touch either side of his face lightly.

"I don't know how to walk away from you either…" I whisper.

We stand like that for a long time, eyes boring into each other's.

The door creaks open and I know it's Zeke without having to look.

He pokes his head around the doorway and looks at the pair of us.

"…You guys alright?"

I drop my hands from Tobias' face and turn towards him.

"Yeah. We're…we're just finishing up."

I say softly.

I pull the strap of my tank top back up on my shoulder and attempt to smooth out my hair.

"Okay…" Zeke says slowly. "It's almost midnight. We better get you home, Stiff."

Tobias nods slowly.

"Yeah." He says quietly before standing up.

He starts towards the door and once he gets there, I speak.

"Tobias…same…um…same time tomorrow?"

Nerves run through me as I wait for an answer.

He watches me for a moment and then cracks a tiny smile.

"Don't be late." He says quietly, then disappears out the door.

…

**Three hours later**

Al laughs as he brings the alcohol to his lips.

We are standing dangerously close to the chasm with Ellie, Jack and Zeke a little ways away from us.

It's ridiculously late.

We should all be in bed but I dragged them all out with me because I couldn't sleep.

Not after what Tobias and I experienced tonight.

"Tris, have I ever told you how good you look in this light?"

I shake my head.

"What are you talking about?"

He points to a few of the rocks and I see the light reflecting on them from the water.

"I think you think I look good in every light." I say quietly, the alcohol making me bolder than I really feel.

I feel his arms wrap around my waist and he pulls tight against his chest.

"You're right. I do." He whispers in my ear.

I close my eyes and breathe through the embrace.

Al is nice and funny and polite.

He listens, and he tells me the truth.

I should like him well enough but I can't get the memory of Tobias' lips out of my head.

I can't get _anything_ about Tobias out of my head.

I know I need to move on.

Somehow, someway, I have to push all of my feelings for him away.

I turn towards Al for a moment, watching the soft expression on his face.

"Can I ask you something?"

He nods a little.

"What is it that you like about me?"

His lips twitch into a smile.

"You're a good girl, Tris." He whispers. "You inspire me to be better than I am and it helps that you're beautiful."

I shake my head and bite down on my lip for a moment.

"I'm not beautiful."

He touches my face for a moment, his fingers trailing along my cheek.

"You don't see yourself very clearly."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"Al, I need you to help me with something."

"Anything." He says softly.

"I need you to help me forget."

He shakes his head a little bit.

"Forget what?"

I look up at him, my breathing coming out in quick spurts.

"Everything that I loved in abnegation."

He stares at me for a moment, his brow furrowing, but after a moment or two, he leans down and presses his lips to mine.

It is different then alcohol fueled kiss we'd experienced at his party weeks ago, this one is nicer, softer, lighter.

But it still isn't Tobias.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Thank you for your continued support and patience! **

**First things first, **

**yes, Tris' landscape and things about it are DIFFERENT then they are in the book/movie. Why? Because this is a fanfiction and that's what it's for. Also, because Tris is a completely different person right now than the person she was in the divergent book. **

**anyways, thanks for reading. **

**I love you all. **

**Tris**

I don't meet Tobias again until three days later.

I thought three days would be enough time to convince myself that I have no unresolved feelings for him, that maybe I really do like Al, that I am fully capable of learning from him without my feelings getting in the way.

Three days wasn't nearly enough.

Slowly, I'm starting to realize why.

The reality of the situation is that _nothing _will be able to take away the things I feel for Tobias.

Not really.

The way my heart aches whenever I look at him, the way his lips send a jolt through mine all the way to my heart.

I can force myself to try new things all I want but Tobias will always hold a monopoly on my heart.

To make matters worse, I _can't_ stay away.

I can't.

I can't let him go, not completely.

As much as it doesn't make sense, as hard as it is, I want him in my life.

I want to be able to see him, talk to him, and assure myself with my own eyes that he is okay, alive and whole.

In order to do that I have to accept that this is the only way I can have him now: in this tiny little simulation room coaching me through my darkest fears.

I have to be okay with that.

"Are you ready?"

I snap out of my thoughts and direct my eyes to Tobias as he holds up a syringe.

"What?" I ask.

"I just asked if you were ready."

I shake my head a little.

"Yeah…yes." I mumble, straightening up in my seat a little.

He watches me for a moment, his eyes gliding over my face, reading the expression there.

I can tell he wants to say something more but he doesn't.

I chew on my bottom lip for a moment.

"Okay. I'm not going in with you but I'll be out here watching." He says glancing over at the large screen in the corner.

"Okay." I nod a little.

"Remember, your goal is to do everything the way a dauntless would. Don't do anything that you couldn't do outside of a simulation. Alright?"

I nod a little and then he presses the needle to my neck.

He opens his mouth for a moment.

I can almost see the words sitting on the edge of his tongue but then he closes his mouth again and slowly shakes his head before plunging the needle into my neck.

…

I am standing in a quiet field surrounded by grass.

It's hot and I can feel the heat against my skin like it's a mist.

For a moment, it's almost comforting.

The heat and the quiet, but quicker than I can really think about it, it all becomes stifling, the heat and the quiet…too quiet.

Then I hear the cawing.

It is only moments before I am completely over taken by birds, large black birds, pecking, scratching and cawing in my ear.

Panic sets in immediately as I take off at a run, my legs pumping fast and my lungs burning.

The birds are fast and eventually I can't run anymore due to how many there are.

I throw my arms up to protect my face as Tobias's words flood my brain.

_Do everything a dauntless would. _

What would a dauntless do?

Almost as soon as I think it, I feel something cold and heavy strapped to my leg.

I reach down as quickly as I can manage to pull a gun from it's hidden sheath strapped to my leg.

Then I fire into the air twice.

The birds scatter instantly at the sound.

'Was that dauntless enough for you?' I think before letting a tiny laugh.

The feeling of satisfaction only lasts a moment though before I start to smell smoke.

I am no longer standing in a field but in a tiny, dusty, room that looks like it was built years ago.

There is a tiny flame making its way up one of the window curtains and I watch it for a moment, confused as to what I'm supposed to do next.

Then the flame gets bigger and the smoke more intense and then I'm coughing so hard that it's hard to even see straight.

I run across the tiny room to the door and push on the handle hard.

The door, as I should have predicted, is locked.

The panic is back now.

I jiggle the handle hard but nothing happens.

I hit the door with my fist over and over again but it doesn't budge.

When I turn back around the flame has over taken half of the room.

"No…no…" I hit the door with my palm a few times trying to get someone's attention on the other side.

"Help! Help me!"

I can feel the heat from the flames now too close for comfort.

"No…no…no! This isn't happening…" I moan as a let out a cough. Then the words I said come back to me.

"…This isn't happening…" I repeat to myself. "Not really…"

_This isn't real._

I know it with confidence.

The flames can't hurt me.

I turn back towards the flame and reach out my hand towards it but just as soon as my fingers make contact with the flames they are gone, replaced instead, with the initiate dorm room.

I stare around for a moment and then slowly sit down on my familiar bed rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans for a moment.

What just happened?

The realization that what I just experienced wasn't real had come so suddenly and I know that isn't the point of the simulation but I couldn't help it.

It didn't feel real to me.

It still doesn't.

The 'initiate dorm room' I sit in now is blurry all around the edges, like a dream.

I am only sitting there for a few moments before I feel a black-gloved hand over my mouth.

Before I know it I am being dragged up and over the bed, my legs banging hard against the railing on the way.

I kick and scream to no avail and just like that, this all seems real to me again.

The black-gloved hand I realize, is attached to a person, mostly like a male and he drags me out of the initiate dorms and into a different, dark room.

I close my eyes tightly, fear pressed tightly in my throat.

I can't fight this.

I know I'm supposed to but I can't.

Then before I know it the man pushes me and I hear a sharp closing sound, like a door but it sounds much lighter.

When I finally open my eyes the man is gone, replaced by nothing but a glass box.

I reach out and feel along the walls and realize there isn't an opening.

No door, no hinge.

How the man had gotten me in here in the first place I'll never know.

"I'm not claustrophobic." I mumble mostly to myself and then almost as if on cue, the bottom of the glass box starts filling with water.

I'm not exactly afraid of drowning either but the two combined is enough to put the panic back into my heart.

The water rises quickly and once it reaches my throat I know I'm in trouble. I take a deep breath and hold it as the water slowly covers my mouth and nose.

_"Come on, Tris"_ I think quickly.

"_Calm yourself down. Come on." _

I stare out at the glass and then push my hand against it hard.

It's just glass…it's glass…._glass can shatter. _

Almost as soon as I think the words, the glass breaks beneath my hand.

Water goes everywhere and I fall onto the shattered glass that has landed on the floor.

Then just as suddenly as it all started, I wake up in the metal recliner with Tobias staring at me.

I take a deep breath and then run my hands through my hair quickly.

"Beatrice." He says firmly and I look up at him, still trying to catch my breath.

"You can't touch the fire like that. You can't break the glass like that."

"But you said to do it like a dauntless…it's just glass…glass can shatter."

"Beatrice. Not like that. You can't break the glass like _that."_

I don't answer him; instead I stare at him with scared eyes.

I know.

I _know_ I can't touch the fire like or break the glass like that.

I know.

I lift my shoulders just a little.

"I know…I'm sorry. I just…I panicked." I shake my head a little. I spend a couple more seconds just trying to catch my breath and then I pull my hair back and away from my face and look up at him.

"Put me in again."

Tobias tilts his head for a moment.

"Now? Are you sure? That was a lot to deal with—"

I shake my head quickly.

"Tobias, I have to go again. I have to get this right."

He looks at me for a moment and then closes his eyes.

"I don't want to overwhelm you. I barely know what I'm doing—"

"I want to go again." I say firmly.

He lets out a breath and then nods slowly.

"Okay."

He walks over to the little table at the other end of the room and prepares another syringe.

I rest my head against the recliner and try to focus on my breathing.

I need to go back in with a calm state of mind otherwise I am never going to make it through the landscape successfully.

I watch Tobias as he makes his way towards me slowly.

Once he reaches me he raises his arm and presses the syringe to my neck.

I grab his arm before he can press it into my skin.

He raises his eyebrows at me and I shake my head a little bit.

"Come in with me." I say a little breathlessly.

He stares at me for a moment.

"What?"

"Come into my landscape with me. Help me…please? I feel…stronger when you're with me."

I swallow hard; suddenly wishing those words had never come out of my mouth.

His eyes lock with mine for a long moment and then he drops the syringe onto the arm of the chair, grasping the armrest on each side of me.

"Tris." He says, his face so close to mine that I can see every blemish and imperfection written there.

"You're just as strong on your own. I know you can do this."

"Come with me." I say again, my breath coming out in sharp gasps.

He bites down on his lip for a moment, his eyes moving to stare at the floor rather than at me before picking up the syringe again.

He holds it out towards me and I take it from him with numb fingers.

He pushes off of the chair and moves across the room to the table again, preparing another syringe.

Once it's ready he brings it back over to me and holds the needle to my neck.

"I'll inject you if you inject me." He says with a tiny smile.

I lift the syringe to his neck with a shaky hand.

"On three." I say softly.

He nods.

"One."

I say in a barely there voice.

"Two." He says.

Then we both plunge the needle into our respective necks.

**Tobias**

The interesting thing about Tris' fear landscapes is that it's _always_ different.

From what Zeke explained to me, generally, fear landscapes are supposed to stay the same.

People don't vary that much in what _truly_ terrifies them and as the fear landscape isn't designed for surface level fears it seems only feasible that it should stay the same.

Tris's seems to conform to whatever it is that is particularly bothering her at the moment.

If she's worried about her family on a certain day, it shows up in her fear landscape in the form of: fear or having to hurt her parents or brother.

If she's particularly worried about failing the final initiation phase something with Jeanine will show up.

It just depends on the day, which it makes it an incredibly frustrating task to practice.

There is only one fear scenario that _always_ makes an appearance.

Drowning in the glass box.

Tris hasn't figure out any other way out than shattering the glass so it's the one thing we are constantly working on.

I'm praying that once we figure this one out, everything else will fall into place for it.

"Where do you think that fear comes from?" I ask her two weeks into our private sessions.

She shakes her head a little bit.

"I don't know. It's not the box and it's not drowning exactly…it's just…I don't know. Lack of control I guess?"

I nod.

I've only gone in with her a handful of times. I feel like she does better on her own, she feels the opposite.

"You've got to stop breaking the glass."

She lets out a groan.

"I know."

"Eric is going to sniff you out so fast if you—"

"Jesus Tobias! I know! You telling me that over and over again isn't helping."

I let out a sigh.

"How long do we have?"

Tris shrugs.

"I don't know. Zeke had been able to hold him off on attending my particular sessions but…" She chews on her bottom lip.

"He's getting anxious."

I let out a groan.

"Still not helping." She mumbles.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I'm just…I'm frustrated. I don't know how to help you."

She presses a hand to her forehead and lets out a breath.

"I don't know how to help me either. God, I thought it was going to get easier."

"It's not all bad. We just have to get you through this and then…and then dauntless will be perfect for you."

My stomach squeezes uncomfortably.

"Yeah, if I just keep pretending I belong here and everyday it's becoming glaringly obvious that I don't."

"I don't know why you think that." I say quietly. "You have friends here…people like you, you…you and Al…" I trail off staring at the ground.

"Don't go there." She says quietly.

I look up at her for a moment, shrugging a little.

"You guys aren't just friends anymore, though…right? There's something more?"

She closes her eyes for a moment.

"We're…trying something…sort of…Yeah." She says, like she's completely unsure of herself.

I nod more times than I need to.

"That's great." The words taste sour in my mouth.

Nothing about what she just said is great.

Nothing, but it doesn't matter how I feel anymore.

"Stop. I know you don't really think that."

I shrug a little.

"Tobias, I don't want to hurt you. That's not what this is about. It's not revenge. I wouldn't do that. It's just…It's moving on and I wish the same for you."

I let out a scoff.

"I'll never find another abnegation girl like you, Tris."

"…A part of me doesn't really want you to." She says in a quiet voice.

"Why do you say things like that if you want us to move on?"

"Because! This isn't exactly easy for me, Tobias! I didn't wake up one morning and stop loving you that's what I thought _you_ did!"

"When are you going to forgive me for that!? I can't take it back!"

"I already told you! I forgave you weeks ago, I just—" she stops and shakes her head slowly.

"I don't want to do this with you. It's done. It's over, and I just need you to be my friend and get me through initiation, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." I mumble.

She stands up slowly.

"I should go."

I nod a little.

"Yeah, you should. Have a good day off and all that."

The initiates get three days off during the intensive initiation period, one of them had already passed and the next is tomorrow.

She blows out a breath but doesn't move from her spot.

"Tris? It's going to be okay. Zeke can erase the footage, say it's a glitch in the system and enter your results in manually just like he's been doing. He just has to make sure Eric is distracted by the time your turn rolls around."

She nods slowly, but I can see the fear in her eyes.

"Tris." I say softly and she looks up at me again.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

She lets out a breath.

"I know that." She bites down on her lip. "I'll see you soon then."

"Yeah. I'll be around. I'll keep doing this with you until you get it, Tris. It's going to be okay."

She nods a little.

"I know that too." She smiles a little. "Alright, I'll see you…" She says quietly and then I watch her walk out the door.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I made up the birthday thing. Why? Because I can and that's what fanfiction is for! :) **

**Thanks for continuously supporting me and fueling my writing. Much love to you all. **

**Tris**

When I wake up from a mid day nap the next day, Ellie is standing over me, a large grin plastered on her face.

"Good morning?" I say confusion settling in my stomach.

I pull myself up to a seated position and rub my eyes to wake myself up.

"Uh…more like good night. You've been asleep forever." She says in a singsong voice, still grinning at me.

"I was tired…" I mumble, rubbing my face with my palm.

Ellie continues to stare at me with wide eyes and a grin.

"Okay, seriously, what is making you smile like that? It's unnerving." I say as I run a hand through my hair.

"Because I did something amazing and tonight happens to be a very special night."

I immediately start to panic.

Am I missing something about initiation?

"Oh crap." I groan. "What did I miss? What's happening tonight?"

She tilts her head a little.

"_Your birthday. _Your birthday _party_ to be exact._" _She says in a half-whisper.

I blink at her for a moment.

"It's not my birthday." I say quickly with confidence.

"How do you know?" She presses.

I open my mouth to respond and then realize that I have nothing to say.

She's right.

I _don't_ know.

Abnegation as a faction doesn't celebrate birthdays and most abnegation, apart from council members, don't know what day or _month_ even, that his or her birthday falls on.

Instead, you age with each school year.

I have no idea when my birthday is.

"Well…I mean, it _could _be but…how would you know?" I frown, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Because I'm Ellie and I always think ahead of the game."

I raise my eyebrows at her and she chuckles.

"Duh! I checked the registry. Well, Al and I both did." She laughs a little. "By the way those are from him." She points to the table next to my bed where a dozen bright red roses sit.

_The registry. _

I'd almost completely forgotten.

Abnegation don't acknowledge when their birthdays are but that doesn't mean that the births aren't registered and recorded.

The registry has _everyone's_ birthday on it.

Upon transferring you're allowed to check it but I had never even thought to do so.

"We're throwing you a world class birthday party tonight."

"Ellie you don't have to do-"

She holds up a hand to silence me.

"Yes, I have to. I want you to celebrate your very first birthday with me! What else are best friends for?"

I grin a little but then shake my head.

"No…I should be focusing on initiation—"

Ellie shakes her head hard.

"Nope. Not tonight. It's our night off _and_ it's your birthday. No worrying about initiation for you tonight."

"When is this alleged birthday party you're supposed to be throwing for me?"

"About twenty minutes from now."

"Ellie!" I moan.

"Oh come on, stop stressing out. It's going to be fun, besides I got you the best birthday present ever."

She holds out a little black bag towards me and I open it begrudgingly.

I plunge my hands into the bag and pull out silky black fabric in the shape of a form fitting black dress.

"See now you have something to wear. You _have_ to come."

"Okay fine." I mumble with a little sigh. "Give me five minutes to get ready."

Ellie hops up off my bed.

"I'm giving you three!" She says in the same singsong voice from before.

…

"Okay, I'm just going to say it." Ellie says ten minutes later as she watches me fidget in the mirror attempting to make her birthday present look somewhat decent on me.

"That is the best birthday dress ever and you are welcome."

I frown.

The dress is _incredible_.

I'm just not sure that I'm pulling it off.

It's a slinky form hugging little black dress that clings to every part of me making it almost impossible to breathe.

It's intended to be worn on someone with curves.

Curves that I just don't have.

"I feel awkward." I say in a small voice but Ellie shakes her head at me.

"Al is going to keel over and die when he sees you." She says a trace of excitement in her voice.

I try not to let the trepidation I'm feeling show in my face but Ellie picks up on it anyway.

"What? Are you _nervous_ about Al seeing you in that dress?"

I shake my head quickly.

"No…no it's not that…" I trail off, avoiding her eyes.

"Then what is it?"

I don't know how to tell Ellie the truth.

Al is her brother and I am always careful to tread lightly when I talk about my relationship with him in front of her, if you could even call it a relationship at this point.

I know that our relationship means more to Al than it does to me.

If I am being one hundred percent honest with myself I know that for me, our relationship is just a way to prove to myself that I can be okay without Tobias.

Being with Al has always felt strange, and a little off, like I'm constantly one step behind.

I shrug a little pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

"Nothing." I mumble.

She stands up from the bed and then links arms with me, tilting her head slightly so that her head is resting on my shoulder.

"Why do I get the feeling your hiding something from me?"

"Ellie, Al is your brother. It feels weird talking to you about some stuff."

She lets out a sigh.

"True, but I'm your friend first. I mean, by all means spare me the gory details of your make-out sessions but I'm here for you if you need to talk."

I close my eyes for a moment.

"I'm just having trouble letting go of the things I loved in abnegation, that's all."

"Can I ask you something?" She says quietly and I nod a little.

"Promise not to get mad?"

I raise my eyebrows at her.

"I promise."

"The guy you were in love with in abnegation…do you still love him?"

I chew on my bottom lip for a moment and then nod, my eyes on the floor.

I lift my shoulders in a small shrug.

"I'm trying really hard to forget that I loved him, El. I promise, I don't want to hurt your brother. I don't want to hurt anybody."

"I believe you." She says with a small nod of her head.

I run a hand through my hair and take a deep breath.

"I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I'm trying to move on."

"I know just the thing to help you with that." She says with a grin before reaching into her bag and pulling out a full bottle of what I know to be alcohol.

I shake my head slowly.

"Between you and Uriah I'm _never_ going to be sober."

Ellie lets out a laugh and screws off the cap and raises the bottle to her lips.

"It's your birthday, bottoms up."

**Tobias**

"Zeke, this is weird." I mumble as we stand together pressed against a wall as drunk dauntless members move about using Tris' birthday as an excuse to get drunk like they really need one.

"It's not weird. You guys are friends and it's her birthday." Zeke says taking a swing from a bottle.

I roll my eyes.

"Barely. She's not going to want me here. He certainly doesn't." I mumble and tilt my head towards Al, who is across the room for the moment, but hasn't stopped looking up to glare at me every two minutes for the last hour.

Zeke shrugs.

"No one cares what Al wants. Besides, there are a lot of people here. She might not even notice."

I give him a look that says I'm not gullible enough to believe that.

"Right. And maybe I can go back in time and erase everything that's happened in the past four months." I mumble.

"Your sarcasm is really starting to wear on me." Zeke says in a flat voice.

I don't know why I'm here celebrating Tris' supposed 'birthday' when all I really want to do is go home and mope.

"Tobias?"

I swivel around quickly at the sound of what is unmistakably Tris' voice.

She stands there, Al's sister Elena at her side, though Al himself is still on the other side of the room.

She looks like a goddess.

There is no other way to explain it.

The dress she's wearing fits her like a glove and it's almost impossible for me to take my eyes off her.

I like dauntless Tris.

I like her a lot.

I know she didn't pick it out herself.

She couldn't have.

I know she doesn't believe she's attractive enough to pull that dress off, I can tell just by the look on her face.

That doesn't stop it from looking absolutely incredible on her.

"Uh…" I lose all ability to speak just looking at her.

I can't even remember my own name.

Zeke elbows me hard and it brings me out of my Tris induced stupor.

"H-h-happy Birthday." I finally manage to get out.

"Thanks." She says quietly, her eyes locked on mine for a moment.

We are both quite for a moment and I watch her chest rise and fall with each breath she takes.

"It's a little weird you know…the whole…birthday thing. I don't really get it."

I shrug.

"I sort of do."

She laughs.

"Says the abnegation."

I shake my head a little.

"Your birth should be celebrated, Tris. Everyday."

She stares at me for a moment and I watch as her breath catches in her throat for just a moment.

Before she can say anything else though, Al comes up behind her and places his hands over her eyes.

"Guess who, birthday girl?" He whispers into her ear.

I look at Zeke just so that I don't have to look at them.

She laughs a little bit and pulls his hands away from her face.

"I can always tell it's you, Al. Your hands are freezing."

He laughs and presses a kiss to her cheek.

"Come on, come say hi to everyone." He insists as he takes her hand and starts to pull her away.

She looks back at me for a moment.

"Hey, thanks for coming. I'll see you later?"

I nod a little bit and she takes off with Al.

I turn to Zeke as soon as she's out of earshot but before I can even piece what I need to say together, he speaks first.

"I know. You have to get her back."

"How did you know that's what I was going to say?"

He shrugs a little.

"I didn't. I was hoping. Al's nice enough but you and Tris…" He shakes his head a little bit.

"That's fate, even I can see it."

Zeke watches her weave her way across the room rather than meet my eyes.

"I don't know how it's going to work or how I'm going to _convince_ her that it will work. I just know that I have to. She's worth it. She's worth every obstacle."

Zeke claps a hand to my shoulder.

"I'm with you. Whatever you need."

I crack a tiny smile.

"You're a good friend Zeke."

"Likewise, Stiff."

…

Later, when the party is finally starting to break up I only have one goal in mind: find Tris and tell her everything.

Tell her that I love her and absolutely nothing else in my world matters but that.

Tell her that I have no idea how it is going to work, just that it has to and that we have to try.

The problem is that I haven't seen her since the brief encounter at the beginning of the party.

My eyes scan the dwindling room for a few moments, passing over a few dauntless members who had partied too hard and we're now suffering the consequences in the form of vomit.

When my eyes finally land on her, pressed into a corner with a plastic cup in her hands, uncertainty settles in my stomach.

What am I doing?

I have no idea where her mindset is and though a big romantic gesture might seem fitting to me, it could be detrimental to her happiness and in the end that is all I really want.

Her happiness.

It's good timing though, she's alone, glancing around anxiously probably waiting for Al or Ellie so they could all walk back to the dorms together.

Just when I start to really think it might be a bad idea and to scrap the whole thing, she looks up and locks eyes with me.

She watches me for a moment and then her lips stretch into a little smile and she waves me over.

Decision made.

I can't deny that smile.

I walk purposely over, all of the things I want to say to her rolling around in my brain, my heart rate increases.

"Hey." She says softly when I finally reach her.

I can tell that she's just slightly intoxicated by the blush on her cheeks but she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

"Hey, did you have a fun birthday?" I say, a little smile pulling at the corner of my lips.

"I did surprisingly enough." She shuffles her feet for a moment.

"Tris, Listen—"

"Me first." She says quickly cutting me off.

She clasps her hands together for a moment.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

I shake my head a little.

"Sorry? For what?"

"For…Al."

"For Al?" I press, my heart jumping into my throat.

"Yeah, I mean…I wouldn't want to be around it and I'm just sorry that you have to." She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"You know because we have the same friends."

"…You wouldn't want to be around you and Al?" I ask, confusion lacing my voice.

She shakes her head.

"No. I…I wouldn't want to be around you and someone else."

I let her words sink in for a moment and then I close my eyes and take in a deep breath.

Slowly, I reach forward and take her hand, my thumb caressing the back of it.

"I don't want there to be a me and someone else, Tris. That's what I came over here to tell you."

She licks her bottom lip staring down at our hands.

The pain and confusion in her expression cuts through me like a knife.

She's quiet for a long time just holding my hand.

"I like the way your hand feels with mine." She finally says, so quietly that I almost don't hear it.

I let out a shaky breath.

"I don't want to ever stop holding your hand."

She closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath.

"This isn't right. It's not fair, any of this. I mean, what are we going to do, Tobias?" She says and her bottom lip shakes with the words.

"I don't know, Tris." I say quietly, running my thumb across the back of her hand again.

"I have no idea…" I lift my other hand and press it to her cheek and she leans into the touch, her lips brushing my palm for just a moment.

This moment is untouchable.

We are in our own impenetrable bubble where nothing else matters except for the way my hand feels pressed against her face, the way her lips feel against my palm.

"We can figure it out, Tris. If anyone can figure it out, it's us."

She shakes her head a little bit.

"I can't do this, Tobias. I'm with someone."

I let my hand drop from her cheek and instead take both of her hands in mine.

"I know. I know that but I just…I can't walk away from you Tris. I can't leave you alone. I've tried and I _can't._ You're a part of me."

My voice sounds desperate, pleading and I'm not sure that I like it.

She presses both of her palms against my cheek for a moment, her eyes boring into mine for a long moment.

"I have to go." She says quietly.

I shake my head.

"No you don't. Come on, Tris. Don't walk away. Please don't walk away from me. I'm laying everything out on the line here. This is it."

I see the pool of tears gathered in the bottom of her eyelids and then they slowly start to spill over.

"I can't think straight." She breathes.

I press my forehead to hers.

"I know. I'm sorry. This is bad timing. You've been drinking."

She nods a little bit, the tears finally spilling over onto her cheeks.

"We don't have to talk about this now. We can…we can talk about it later. Okay? I'm sorry."

I reach a hand up and wipe away a few tears with my thumb and press a soft kiss to her forehead.

"Don't." I say in reference to the tears.

She sniffles a few times and then wipes the rest of the tears away.

"Can I walk you back to the dorm?"

She shakes her head quickly.

"No…no…I'm meeting Ellie." She says quietly.

"Okay…" I mumble quietly.

"I'll see you for our session tomorrow night though?"

She nods a little bit and then pulls away and with one last look at me starts making her way out of the room.

I stand there for a moment and then lean against the wall closing my eyes.

So much has happened in the space of ten minutes and my brain is still trying to process.

"What the hell was that?"

I open my eyes quickly and find myself looking at Al.

Great.

Because this is exactly the kind of thing I need right now.

"Excuse me?" I say.

"That's my girlfriend that you had your hands all over." Al says to me anger emanating from every inch of him.

I let out a small sigh.

"Yeah, I suppose it was."

"Don't you get it? She's _over_ you. She's finally happy. Why don't you just stay the hell out of dauntless? What do you come here for anyway? If it's for her, you have to know she doesn't _want_ you. She's with me now."

"I love her." It is the only defense I have.

It's true, and Al can take it or leave it.

Al scoffs.

"You _broke up_ with her. Obviously you couldn't appreciate her. You couldn't possibly _love _her and now that someone else is doing what you couldn't, you should do the right thing and get lost."

Anger courses through me and before I know it, I punch him hard in the eye.

"You know _nothing_ about why I broke up with her."

My voice is dark, guttural.

He stumbles back one hand pressed to his eye and then to my surprise he laughs.

"I wonder what Tris is going to say when I tell her you gave me a black eye."

"She'll probably ask what you did to deserve it."

Al comes at me quickly.

He gets three good punches in before I overpower him and shove him against the wall, holding him there by the throat with my forearm.

"I know all the dauntless tricks too and I'm twice your size. Listen to me. I'm doing you a favor. This is one battle that you don't want to pick with me, okay?"

He shakes his head, blood pouring from his lip from the punch I'd gotten in.

"Can't you just stay away?! Stay the hell out of dauntless! Tris is with me now! If she wanted to be with you, she'd still be in abnegation but she isn't! _Just let her go!"_

Something about his words make me release my hold on his throat.

Just let her go.

Let her go.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I'm the problem.

Maybe I _do_ need to stay out of dauntless.

Maybe I need to let her go.

Tris is right.

A relationship would be near impossible.

She is dauntless.

I am abnegation.

If she wanted to make it work, it would've been easy for her to say yes tonight _especially_ with the alcohol running through her system, but she didn't.

She didn't say no either…but she didn't say yes.

I look at Al for a moment and really take him in.

What kind of man am I to stand in the way of her happiness after I broke her heart?

Zeke can continue to help her with initiation.

I have no real purpose in her life.

If she still wanted me, she would've made that known.

Maybe I'm just grasping at straws, continuously confusing her for no reason.

A memory blasts into my brain.

Tris and I on an abnegation street, her hands in mine, her blonde hair twisting all around in the wind, her lips mouthing the words 'I love you.'

Can I let that go?

I take a deep breath and look up at Al.

"Al, I can't. I can't stay out of dauntless."

Al lets out a disbelieving breath.

"Why the hell not? This isn't _your _faction."

"Can't you just trust me when I tell you that I'm protecting her?"

"That's my job now. Don't you think?"

I let out a sigh and look down at the floor picking apart the different cracks in it.

"If you don't stay out of dauntless, I'll tell Eric everything."

My stomach drops.

"W-what?"

Al nods slowly.

"You heard me. I'll tell Eric everything. This has to stop. You can't keep straddling two factions. It isn't right. I should've told a long time ago."

"Tris will hate you."

"Tris won't find out about it and it's what's best for her, even if she doesn't know it yet."

My whole body feels numb listening to his words but I know that at its core, some of what he's saying is true.

"I'll stay out of dauntless." I say quietly.

Al looks at me like he doesn't quite believe me but I don't have time for his uncertainty.

"Get out before I change my mind and beat the crap out of you instead."

Al rolls his eyes and pushes himself off the wall and crosses the room to the door.

I stand in the room alone for a moment, just breathing.

Everything is spinning out of control for me.

The loss of control is almost too much to handle.

I hit the wall with my fist and pain blasts through my whole hand up through my arm.

Still, I do it again, over and over again until my knuckles start to bleed.

Minutes might have passed, hours or days.

I don't know.

I lose all sense of time until Zeke finds me.

I guess I'd been in here a long enough time for him to sober up.

"Stiff…what's going on?"

I turn around to look at him and wipe my nose with the back of my non-bloody hand.

"I can't come back here, Zeke."

"What are you talking about?" Zeke asks, confused.

"I've got to let her go."

"Tris? What? Why? You just said a few hours ago that you weren't giving up—"

"That was stupid." I mumble and hit the wall with my fist one more time.

"I wasn't thinking. I can't keep doing this to her. I have to go, Zeke. I have to go and be abnegation because that's what I chose…that's—"

"No!" He says loudly.

"What happened? Did you talk to her?"

I shake my head.

"It doesn't matter Zeke, it doesn't matter."

"The hell it doesn't! What did she say?"

I run a hand through my hair.

"She didn't say yes, Zeke."

"I…what? So just because you can't be with Tris, I don't get to see you anymore either? What about Shauna? And Will? We all really care about you, Stiff."

"I am so grateful for everything that you've done for me and for her, Zeke."

"Stop. This is bullshit, Four and you know it."

I shake my head slowly.

"Al said he'd tell Eric."

Zeke stares at me for a moment.

"He's bluffing. He wouldn't do that. Tris would kill him."

I shrug.

"Maybe, but she wouldn't be able to do anything about it. None of you would and he's right. I can't keep straddling both factions."

Zeke shakes his head slowly.

"It's not fair, Stiff."

"You have to look out for her okay?"

He stares at me for a moment and then he cross the distance between us and hugs me.

"I'll die before she does. I hope you know that."

"You're a good friend, Zeke."

"Likewise, Stiff."

His words send a comfort through me that can't be explained.

He pulls away and lets out a long sigh.

"Get the hell out of here, Stiff." He says gruffly.

I walk slowly out of the door and out of the dauntless compound for the last time.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: If you searched my tumblr and can't find it it's because I changed it ;) cordys-vision dot tumblr dot com **

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**I post updates on selfless choices, and drabbles, and all kinds of fun stuff. **

**Tris**

"Jesus Christ, Al. What happened to your face?"

Al grins at me sheepishly.

"Nothing you need to worry about." He appeases.

"What kind of response is that?" I press.

"Tris, it's nothing." He insists.

I don't believe him.

Not for a second.

You don't get a bruise like that from walking into a door.

"You look like you went twelve rounds with Peter and lost all of them."

"Tris, please stop worrying. I'm fine." He persists.

It is clear he is standing his ground on this one, I just don't know if I can let him.

I reach a hand up and run my fingers over the bruise circling his eye.

"What happened to you last night, Al?"

He shrugs a little.

"Nothing. I stayed behind to clean up a little then I went up to bed."

I frown a little.

"So you got into a fight with your pillow then?"

"Tris…" He groans. "Let it go. I'm fine, I promise."

I know something happened but I don't want to press it too much. Everyone has their secrets.

"Okay. Fine." I let out a small sigh. "I've got to go. If I'm late to simulations again Zeke will kill me. I'll see you later?"

I turn to leave but he grabs my arm and I'm forced to stop and turn back around.

"Wait…speaking of my bed and my pillow…" He laughs a little. "Do you want to come over tonight? You've never seen my apartment…" He shrugs a little. "…could be fun—"

I shake my head a little

"Al, I'm really sorry but I can't."

He looks at me for a moment and then sighs.

"I blew it didn't I? Way too soon to ask you that—"

I hold up a hand to stop him.

"It's not that…I just I have plans tonight. I'm um…I'm meeting someone. Can I take a rain check?"

He nods a little bit.

"Sure." He leans in to kiss me but right before he gets there I turn my head a little bit and he gets my cheek instead of my lips.

He pulls away and for a moment I think he's going to say something about it but instead he just smiles and says.

"Good luck."

"Thanks…" I mumble quietly before heading down the hall towards the simulation room.

…

When I walk into the simulation room my stomach drops into my shoes at the sight of Eric.

This is the very first time I've seen him here in this room along with Zeke.

Zeke meets my eyes and gives me a little bit too big of a smile.

I can already tell that Eric is making him nervous.

"Hey, Tris." He says, his voice just a little too high-pitched for normal.

"Have a seat."

I sit down in the familiar metal recliner and take a deep breath, glancing sidelong at Eric.

Panic courses through me.

I can't do this.

Not in front of Eric.

Zeke moves towards me, syringe in hand his eyes trying to tell me something that I can't quite read.

Then he leans close, the needle pressing against my neck but not quite piercing it yet.

"He's here to watch all the initiates." He whispers. "Don't panic. I know you can do this. Calm yourself down and get through it. Okay?"

I nod just the tiniest amount.

"Good luck, Tris." He says quietly and then I feel the needle pierce my neck.

…

Today, of all days, my simulation starts with the glass box.

I knew it would, given that it's the only thing worrying me at the moment.

I let out a soft whimper as I press my hands against the glass and realize there is no way out.

Water gushes over my shoes and the panic starts to set in immediately.

I bang against the glass hard but nothing happens.

"Come on!" I scream and try again this time throwing my whole body against the glass.

Still nothing.

"Okay, Tris. Come on," I say to myself as the water rises over my hips.

"Calm down. It's okay. You're going to be okay."

My words mean nothing because I know instinctively that it is not going to be okay.

I am going to drown.

Except…this isn't real.

No.

I can't think like that.

The water reaches my chest and instantly I can't breathe.

I have to get out of here.

I have to.

This. Isn't. Real.

I press my palm against the glass as the water starts to rise over my mouth and then my nose.

This isn't real.

Glass can shatter.

_I_ can shatter the glass.

I am probably seconds away from running out of air and there is no other way out.

I press my pointer finger against the glass lightly and then just a little bit harder.

A tiny crack appears in the glass.

I know it's only moments away from shattering.

I close my eyes and wait for the gush of water and rain of shattered glass.

When I open them two seconds later, I'm back in the metal recliner gasping for air.

I grab at my throat trying to get as much air in as possible.

I never feel quite right after almost drowning in my own brain.

It takes me a moment to realize that the room is filled with shouting.

"She was having a _panic_ attack, Eric!"

"I don't care! I told you not to bring her out of it! If she's not dauntless enough to overcome the panic that's her problem!"

I stare at the pair of them standing a good distance away from each other, anger spouting from both of them.

"Our job is to test them not _torture_ them!"

"You stopped it for a reason. You didn't want me to see something."

Zeke scoffs.

"More like I didn't want Tris to have a permanent psychological scar."

"She cracked the glass." Eric says, his voice is so confident that it sends a chill down my spine.

"How exactly did she do that?"

Zeke raises an eyebrow.

"I didn't see anything. The image was fuzzy."

"Not fuzzy enough to mask the crack in the glass, Zeke."

They stare at each other for a moment and then Eric grins.

"All those malfunctions you've been having with the machine lately…all those manually entered results…did she crack the glass then too?"

Zeke shakes his head.

"I've never seen anyone do anything like that. The image was fuzzy, Eric."

"Because you pulled her out of it."

Zeke crosses his arms over his chest.

"Like I said, she was having a panic attack. Max told me that my job was to know when it was going to far. That felt like too far to me."

Eric looks him over for a second and then shakes his head slowly.

"Well, we'll see what Max has to say about it tomorrow morning when you're in his office with me."

"Perfect." Zeke says through his teeth, annoyance lacing his tone.

Eric takes a look at me, sitting in the chair gripping the sides tightly.

"How did you do it?"

I stare at him for a moment and then swallow hard.

"…do what?"

"The glass, initiate. How did you crack the glass?"

I shake my head a little.

"I didn't. I just put my hand against it and then I woke up in the chair."

Eric lets out a sigh that sounds a lot like disbelief before he exits the room.

Zeke throws a syringe against the door as it creaks shut.

"I'm screwed aren't I?" I ask, my head turning to look at him.

Zeke shakes his head a little bit.

"No…no, he doesn't have any proof. The image was fuzzy…" He looks at me for a moment.

"They have nothing to back it up with. I erased all the other data of your simulations."

"Zeke, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to get you into trouble—"

Zeke waves a hand at me.

"Don't worry about it, okay? Max likes me. I can try and talk my way out of it."

"Let me go with you, maybe I can—"

Zeke shakes his head.

"No. I don't want to draw any more attention to you." He walks to the door and picks up the syringe he'd thrown earlier up off the floor.

"Is there anything at all that I can do?"

"Yes. You can send in the next initiate."

"Zeke—"

"Tris. Please. Just send in the next initiate."

I take a deep breath and then slide out of the recliner and walk to the door feeling like an absolute failure.

**Six Hours Later**

I pace the simulation room back and forth the same way that I've been doing for the past forty-five minutes.

Tonight is another scheduled session with Tobias and it isn't like him to be late.

As the minutes tick by, my worry increases.

There is always a chance that he could get even though we'd grown pretty cocky about him getting in and out of dauntless as of late.

Then again, who knows if I'll need any more simulation help after what Eric saw in my simulation today?

They might just kick me out all together.

The door creaks open and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Finally, geez Tobias, what—"

When I turn towards the door, I find myself looking at Zeke.

"Zeke." I shake my head a little. "What are you doing here?"

He lets out a small sigh.

"I forgot you'd be in here." He says quietly. "Tris, Stiff isn't coming."

I frown a little.

"Why not?"

"You might want to sit down…you aren't going to like it."

I cross my arms over my chest and wait.

"After your party…Al told Stiff to stay out of dauntless or he'd tell Eric."

I let out a breath.

"What?"

Zeke nods a little bit.

"When he left last night…I don't know, I think he sort of thought you'd be better off if he just…stayed in abnegation. I think he feels guilty. He doesn't want to mess things up for you here."

I place a hand on my stomach just trying to steady my breathing.

"…He just left?"

Zeke nods a little bit.

That explains the black eye Al is now sporting.

Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with the loss of Tobias.

This room feels so empty without him and I don't think I can bare it for another moment.

He can't just be gone.

He can't just leave.

Not like this…

Not because of…

"Because of Al?" I question, my voice dry.

Zeke nods again.

Anger, intense, all consuming anger rages through me all at once, boiling the blood in my veins and it is all directed towards Al.

"…I have to go." I say quietly.

Zeke raises his eyebrows.

"Where are you going?'

I look back at him for a moment.

"To remind someone that he has no say in who I do or don't talk to."

**Al**

I'm just about to fall asleep when I hear a knock on the door.

I think about ignoring it but it only gets increasing louder as I lie there listening to it.

It's probably Ellie.

She's been coming over at all hours of the night, panicking about initiation lately.

I love my sister but she's a real pain sometimes.

"Okay, okay Ellie! I'm coming!" I yell towards the door as I climb out of bed and cross the room towards the front door.

When I open it I find myself not looking at my little sister but at Tris.

"Tris. Hi. What are you doing here?"

She shakes her head a little.

"Don't you dare "Tris, hi" me." She says in a dark voice.

"What the hell, Al?"

I raise my eyebrows.

"You're mad."

"Damn right I'm mad."

"I'm not sure I know why."

She lets out a loud scoff of breath.

"How'd you get that black eye, Al? I swear to god if you lie to me I'll slap that stupid grin right off of your face."

_She knows. _

My heart rate speeds up just a little bit.

"Okay, I'll tell you everything…just come inside first. Please?"

She stares at me for a moment and then pushes past me into the apartment, hitting my shoulder on the way.

I close the door behind her and then watch her as she paces back and forth across my apartment floor.

"What happened, Al?" She says, voice shaking slightly.

"I saw you." I say softly.

"Saw me what?" She presses.

I shrug.

"Whatever you were doing in that secluded corner with Stiff at the end of your party."

She closes her eyes for a moment and then shakes her head.

"We were just talking, Al."

"It looked like a little bit more than that. Last time I checked you don't need to press your lips against someone's forehead to have a conversation. You also don't need to hold hands."

"Al, he's a friend, a dear friend of mine and sometimes—"

"He's your EX, Tris! At some point you have to decide what you really want, me or him!"

"What HAPPENED, Al!?"

"I told him to get the hell out of dauntless and to leave you and me alone! I told him that you were happy and that he was ruining it."

She blows out a breath and then shakes her head running her hands through her hair.

"And then what?"

"He hit me so I hit him back a couple of times and then I told him if he came back to dauntless that I'd tell Eric."

"Why would you do something like that?"

I rush towards her, taking her hands in mine.

"Because I'm in love with you, Tris and I know that you will _never_ give us a real chance until he is completely out of the picture. I just wanted a fair chance, Tris."

She pulls her hands out of mine and then shakes her head.

"Do you have any idea what you did?! Do you have any idea what abnegation is like for him? It's a noose around his neck, Al! He can't _breathe_ there, the only thing keeping him going is being here with his friends—"

"No, Tris. No. The only thing keeping him going is you."

She turns away from me for a moment, her hands still shaking, probably from anger.

"I was just doing what's best for you."

She turns towards me again one hand pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You don't get to decide what's best for me, Al."

I nod slowly.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I just…I lost my temper when I saw you with him like that. It's fine, he can come back to dauntless, I don't care. I just…I don't want to lose you, Tris."

"You're damn right he can come back to dauntless."

I let out a sigh.

"Tris, I'm sorry."

"I know you are."

She turns quickly towards the door and I run after her practically tripping over myself.

"Wait, Tris. Stay. Stay with me. Please?"

She turns to look at me for a moment.

"I have somewhere that I need to be." She says quietly.

"Is this…is this over?"

She shakes her head a little bit.

"I don't know. I don't know what this is but right now I can't even look at you."

"_Tris_." I plead. "I'll spend the rest of forever making this up to you, I swear to god just don't…please don't break up with me."

"We'll finish this conversation later. I can't do this with you right now."

I nod a little bit.

"Okay."

"I'll see you." She says and then she's out the door.

**Tris**

I don't think I will ever forget the streets of abnegation so when I walk them on my way to Tobias' house I still know exactly where I'm going.

Climbing the wall up to his bedroom window is easy, and I'm reminded instantly of when I'd done the exact same thing to ask him why he'd broken up with me.

Something tells me I will always be climbing in and out of Tobias Eaton's bedroom window for one reason or another.

The window is already open when I slip through it easily and land on the floor.

"Tris?"

When I look up, I see that Tobias is sitting on his bed, his eyes fixed on me, his abnegation grey night shirt in his hands, about to be slipped on but not quite there yet.

At the moment, he is only wearing sweats.

It is almost completely impossible to tear my eyes away from him.

How is it fair that I'm still _this _attracted to him?

I take a deep breath, trying to regulate my breathing.

"…What…what are you doing here?" He presses, still staring at me.

Why had I come here again?

I stand up quickly, feeling silly still sitting on the floor like a child.

I meet his eyes for just a moment and then I remember exactly why I am here.

I'm pissed.

"How dare you?" I say quietly.

"How dare you think that you could just stop showing up and I wouldn't notice!"

"Tris—"

"No! Don't _Tris_ me! How many times have I told you that I need you in my life? That I want you around? God, are you deficient?"

"I—"

"How were you planning on protecting me from abnegation, or did you just give up on that plan too?"

"Tris, I—"

"God, you just left me to the wolves like I didn't matter all because stupid Al, TOLD you too?"

"Beatrice, please—"

"No! NO! Do you even realize what happened today? How much I needed you?"

"TRIS!"

I pause for a moment and take a breath.

"I didn't think that you wouldn't notice. I was hoping that you _would _notice, hoping that if I took myself out of the equation your life would be easier."

I let out a loud scoff.

"Contrary to popular belief you are not the sole reason that my life is difficult."

He lets out a small sigh.

"I didn't leave you to the wolves. You do matter. You are the _only _thing that matters."

"Then how could you leave?!" My hands are shaking as I say the words.

"Why do you just keep _leaving?!"_

I can feel the tears but I hold them back.

I don't want to cry right now.

It will cheapen the entire conversation and I'm better than that.

"I was just trying to give you what you want. I just want you to be happy."

"And due to prior experience, _leaving_ is what you think makes me happy?"

"You aren't the only reason that I'm not coming back."

I cross my arms over my chest and wait for an explanation.

"I don't want anyone to get in trouble because of me. If Al tells Eric what I've been doing for the last three years I'm not going to be the only one in trouble. Zeke would be in hot water."

I stare at him for a long moment.

"Al isn't going to do that."

"How do you know?"

"Because I told him not to."

"And you believe him?"

"He's too afraid of losing me not to listen."

He nods a little bit.

"He's right though…" He mumbles quietly.

"Right about what?"

"I _can't_ keep straddling the factions. I made a choice. I should stick to it. That's what a man does."

I let out a soft breath.

"Now you just sound like Marcus." I say disgust lacing my tone.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Beatrice."

"Come back to dauntless." I say trying to sound surer of myself than I actually am.

"Why?"

The true answer is glowing in my chest but I ignore it and stash it down deep.

"Because Zeke will miss you and I need your help with initiation.."

"You're telling me that you came all the way here from dauntless, in the middle of the night all because _Zeke_ would miss me?"

"I care about you, Tobias. You know that. It's not a secret."

"But you're with Al." He says quietly.

"I'm allowed to care about other people." I say in a clear tone.

He nods a little bit.

"Why do we keep doing this?"

"Doing what?" I question.

"Pretending that we don't feel the things that we feel? Pretending that my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I look at you?"

Just like that my exterior breaks.

I am no longer the dauntless first jumper brave Tris who is dating Al.

Just like that, I am Beatrice, the abnegation girl whose only mistake was loving someone too hard.

"What else are we supposed to do? There isn't another choice."

He shakes his head slowly.

"Isn't there?"

I raise my eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Tris…" He says softly. "I love you."

"Stop it. Don't say that to me."

"Why? Why can't I say that to you?"

"Because it's confusing and…wrong and…"

He takes several steps closer to me until his inches away from his hands resting on my hips.

"Tris, I love you."

"Stop it." I whisper.

"I love you." He says again.

"You're abnegation!"

"You're dauntless and I love you!" He fires back.

"I—"

"You can't stop it, Tris. It's out there. I said it. You're dauntless. I still love you. It doesn't change anything. The factions don't _matter_, Tris. They don't. If I was supposed to be here in abnegation then I wouldn't feel the way I feel about you and if you were meant to be in dauntless you wouldn't feel the way you feel about me. We're divergent. We don't fit in, Beatrice. We're not supposed to. "

"…But we have to fit in…"

He shakes his head hard.

"Tris, take a leap of faith with me. Don't trust the test. Trust…me. Trust us."

I look up at him for a moment, taking in his face, his dark blue eyes and prominent jawline.

"Tobias…I can't. I can't do that. I'm _terrified._ We don't know how to navigate this; we can't just play jump rope with the factions!"

He touches my cheeks with his palms lightly.

"Beatrice, I don't give a damn about the factions the _only_ thing I care about is you. Make a choice."

He runs his fingers through my hair and as I look up at him I already know that I'm all in.

There is no other option in the world for me but him.

I've always known that.

I don't know why I fought it for so long.

"Make a choice?" I whisper.

He nods slowly.

"It's you. It's always been you." Then I lean up and press my lips against his so hard I think I might break them.

He holds his own against my lips though, pressing back just as hard.

It's almost a natural instinct for me to press myself up and wrap my legs around his waist.

He easily adjusts and holds me up by holding the underside of my legs all the while his lips never leaving mine.

Before I know it, he's pressing me back against the bed, the bed that we've done this exact thing on several times before.

I finally feel like I'm home.

_I'm home. _

He lays me down against the pillows easily and climbs over me, leaving a trail of kisses from the bottom of my neck all the way to my mouth.

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for this moment?"

"Since my choosing day."

He smiles down at me.

"Good guess."

"It's how long I've been waiting for it too."

"Beatrice I—"

I raise a hand and cover his lips with my hand for a moment.

"I know, Tobias. I know." I nod a little bit and then let my hand fall away as he leans down and presses his lips to mine again.

Then, we lose ourselves in each other for hours.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Sorry for the wait! This chapter is a little dark (sorry for that too). Anyway, review as always. Tell me what you liked and what you hated. Love you all!**

**Tobias**

The sunlight starting to stream through the window is my enemy.

It's too soon for this night to be over, too soon to lose her again.

If morning is here, then it means that Beatrice will have to go back to dauntless.

Back to her faction, where she belongs.

That is the very last thing that I want.

I finally have her here again, safe and sleeping soundly in my arms.

I don't want to let that go.

I lean down and press my lips to the top of her head.

She lets out a small little sigh, scrunching up her nose before her eyes slowly flutter open and focus on me.

"…Hi." She says quietly.

"Good morning." I say with a small grin.

She pulls the blanket up to cover herself and runs one hand through her hair.

"What time is it?" She asks quietly.

"Early." I say, reaching out to push a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Have you been awake all this time?"

I nod a little bit.

How could I possibly sleep with her finally here again, lying next to me?

I decided sleep could wait.

I didn't want to miss anything.

Instead, I chose to watch the expressions change on her face while she dreamed.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

I shrug.

"…Because I waited a really long time for tonight. I can sleep anytime. I only have you for a few hours."

She watches me for a moment her lips gently pulling up at the corners into a smile. Then, she leans forward and presses her lips against mine.

Again, we find ourselves in that impenetrable bubble that not even the sharpest of needles could pop.

A moment passes and she slowly pulls away.

I can already see the dread slipping into her expression as she tilts her head towards the window and catches the sunlight.

"I guess every perfect night has to end at some point, right?" She says a sad smile playing across her lips.

I match her smile with my own.

"Okay. Reality." She says quietly, turning back towards me.

"Reality." I say with a little sigh.

She takes my hands in hers for a moment and I brush my thumbs over the back of them.

"I loved last night." She says quietly.

My heart is beating in my throat.

She can very well tell me that nothing has changed and she _still_ doesn't want to be with me.

It's an impossible situation, but we have to make it work.

I squeeze her hands.

"…but we can't keep living in this suspended fairytale."

I reach up and push a few strands of hair away from her face.

"Do you trust me?"

She nods slowly.

"You know I do."

"I'm going to find a way to make this work if it kills me. Okay?"

She chews on her bottom lip for a moment.

"There's something I didn't get a chance to tell you last night…"

I watch her for a moment and let my fingers lightly graze her side, smiling at the goose bumps my touch creates on her skin.

I am physically unable to keep my hands off of her.

After not being able to touch her for so long, I need physical contact in some capacity, no matter how small.

"So tell me now."

"Eric observed my simulation yesterday."

My breath catches in my throat.

"Tris, tell me you didn't-"

"I didn't!" She says quickly, holding her hands up a little in defense

"…I mean, I almost did but Zeke pulled me out of it before the glass could really shatter. I still cracked it…but the image was really fuzzy and Zeke played it off like nothing really happened but…Zeke has to go to a meeting with Eric and Max this morning. Eric thinks he's rigging my simulations."

I close my eyes for a moment.

"Beatrice…"

"I know… I know. I need to find another way out of that stupid box. I just…I panic when I'm in there, Tobias. I don't know why I can't do it."

I lean forward and press a kiss to her forehead.

"It's okay. It's going to be okay. The image was fuzzy. I think that will save us for now, they won't be able to prove anything if Zeke got rid of all the data."

I pause for a moment, my eyes moving over her.

She looks so fragile right now, wrapped in my comforter, her short hair sticking up at odd angles.

Yet, she's still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I press a hand to her cheek, my thumb gliding over her cheek.

"Beatrice for the love of god, next time, let yourself drown before you shatter the glass. I'd rather them think you're incompetent than divergent. Okay?"

She nods slowly.

"Okay."

I run a hand through her hair, trying my best to get used to the length.

"I really do like your hair. Did I ever tell you that? You look older. Mature."

She smiles a little bit.

"Thank you." She mumbles her eyes moving up to meet mine.

I lock eyes with her, just trying to memorize what she looks like here in this room with me.

"I should go. People are going to start to wonder where I am."

I nod a little bit as she moves around, finding her discarded clothing strewn across my bedroom.

It takes her a few minutes to get dressed but when she's finished, she moves towards me again, one hand reaching out to touch my shoulder.

"I'll see you soon, back in dauntless." She says pointedly.

"What about Al?"

She looks uncertain for a moment but it only lasts that, a moment.

"I'll deal with Al. You just make sure that you don't stand me up again."

"Tris. Be careful today. Eric is going to be watching you even closer now."

"I know." She breathes quietly, walking backwards towards the window now.

"Drown before shatter. Incompetence over Divergence. I got it." She winks at me and then quickly disappears out the window.

**Tris**

"Hey. Where have you been?"

I practically jump out of my skin at Ellie's voice when I run into her just a few feet from the initiate dorms.

"Oh. Hey. Nowhere. Just…around. What's up?"

She shrugs.

"Nothing, I was just walking to breakfast but I think my brother is looking for you."

My heart squeezes uncomfortably.

"Actually, I'm sort of looking for him too. Where is he?"

"He's out by the chasm with Will."

"Thanks, El. I'll catch up with you later." She smiles a little and starts towards the dining hall.

I start to make my way towards the Chasm with break-up lines running through my head.

I've never had to do this before and I know Al deserves more than a half put together break up speech but I just have no idea what I'm doing.

When I finally make it to the chasm I spot him immediately.

If Will had been here at some point, he isn't now.

Al sits on the edge of the chasm, his feet dangling over the rushing water.

I take a deep breath and move towards him, opting for taking the seat next to him.

He looks up at me for a moment and I can see in his face that he already knows what's going to happen.

"I pushed you guys back together, didn't I?" he says quietly.

I let out a soft sigh.

"Al, this has nothing to do with Tobias. Let's just talk about us right now."

He lets out a bitter laugh.

"That's what I've been trying to get us to do for weeks."

I look down into the chasm for a moment and then back up at him.

"It's just not working, Al. I gave it a shot. I really tried and you are a really great person. You're my friend-"

"Stop. I don't need the pity friend speech. Just get it over with."

"I'm in love with someone else." I say quietly. "And it's not fair to you."

He lets out a loud bitter laugh.

"I thought it wasn't about him?"

I chew on my bottom lip.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Say that it's over." He presses.

"I'm sorry, Al."

He shakes his head.

"Say it. I want to hear it from you."

I take a deep breath and sit on my hands to stop them from shaking.

"…It's over."

He nods for a couple of seconds and then turns to look at me.

"Was there ever a moment that you thought we could work?"

"Do you really want the answer to that?"

He lets out a small sigh.

"From that response, I guess I already have it."

"I hope we can be friends, Al. I think we worked really well as friends."

"We'll never be _friends_, Tris. That isn't how I see you."

I smile sadly.

"I hope you don't mean that. I want to be friends."

"Good luck with the rest of initiation, Tris." His words icy and the cut through me like a knife.

He turns away from me, his eyes fixed on the opposite side of the chasm.

I watch him for a few moments and then slowly stand up.

"You should know they suspended Zeke."

He says, his gaze still on the rushing water below.

My heart flies into my throat.

"What?"

"Yeah. Apparently, Max isn't very happy with him. He's suspended from training for a week. You and the rest of the initiates are stuck with Lauren until he's back."

"It's my fault…" The words keep rushing out in a low whisper as guilt sinks into my stomach.

Al turns to me, his eyebrows raised.

"How is that your fault?"

"I…it isn't. I don't…I don't know what I'm saying…thank you for telling me."

He shrugs and then returns to ignoring me in favor of staring down into the chasm.

After a few moments I start my walk back to the dining hall, the guilt having settled in my stomach like a brick.

It is entirely my fault that Zeke is suspended.

My fault that we're both being watched closely now.

When I slip into my regular seat next to Ellie at breakfast, I can't help thinking about Al and the look on his face when I said 'It's over.'

It was like he was erasing me from his memory, or…holding me in a different, darker part of his brain.

I didn't like it.

"Hey, you okay?" Ellie asks curiously, working her way through a piece of bread.

"Yeah, yes. I'm fine. A little bit of a rough morning is all."

She nods a little bit.

"Did you find Al?"

I look at her for a second and then nod slowly.

"Is everything okay?"

I have trouble meeting her eyes when I speak.

"Ellie um…we uh…we just broke up, actually."

Her eyes widen for a moment and then she lets out a small sigh.

"Sucks." She says quietly. "…but if I'm being honest I knew it was going to happen. You've been checked out of that relationship for weeks." She says with a little pout. "...It just would've been kind of cool to be sisters."

"El…" I shake my head a little. "You already are my sister."

She smiles a little bit and then bumps my shoulder with hers.

**Tris**

**One Week Later**

"Do you constantly have to be in everybody's way?" Al says to me as he pushes past me in the dining hall.

I let out a small sigh.

"…Sorry…" I mumble to no one in particular because he'd already made it back to the table by then.

This is a regular occurrence of the last week.

Al has been anything but nice to me.

Instead, he shoves me with his shoulder when he sees me in passing with a rude comment not far off and recently he's taken to hanging out with Peter.

When they're together, it's almost torture.

Mostly, I try to avoid them and if I can't do that, ignore them but it's almost impossible to ignore the constant barrage of rude and hateful comments.

I let out a sigh as I straighten my T-shit and attempt to walk to my usual breakfast table.

"Well…that was icy." I recognize Zeke's voice instantly and turn around quickly.

"Zeke!" I practically attack him with a hug.

It's _incredible_ to hear his voice after a week of M.I.A.

From what I heard he wasn't allowed to have contact with any of us and probably most especially with me.

With Lauren running simulations, I'd been forced to drown over and over again without Zeke around to erase the footage for me.

Zeke laughs.

"Miss me much?"

"Totally." I say as I pull away and punch him lightly in the shoulder.

"What happened?"

He shakes his head a little.

"It could've been way worse than a suspension but the only thing Eric could get me on was having too close a relationship with the initiates. Max suspended me for a few days and told me to 'cut out the favoritism."

I nod a little bit.

"What about my simulations?"

Zeke shakes his head.

"Eric didn't have any proof so he didn't bring it up."

I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Thank god."

"You're safe for now, initiate." He says quietly.

The feeling of relief is unexplainable.

"How's Lauren been?"

I shrug a little.

"Fine. She's no you but…" I bite down on my lip for a moment. "I've been drowning in my simulations. She thinks I'm incompetent."

Zeke laughs a little.

"It's okay, Tris. We'll get you through initiation. I promise."

I nod a little.

"Shauna tells me that Stiff has found his way back to dauntless."

I grin and then roll my eyes.

"Yeah, well. We both knew _that _wasn't going to last long."

"I'm guessing that means everything is back to normal in the land of Stiff and Tris?"

I shrug a little bit.

"I don't think there really is a "normal" for us."

"Well, in any case I'm just happy that the natural balance has been restored. Stiff and Tris are back together."

"I'm glad you're okay, Zeke." I say quietly.

"Me too." He says in a low voice, then leans in closer to me.

"Listen, is Stiff going to be here tonight?"

I nod slowly.

"I think so. Why? What's going on?"

"I need to talk to you both. I overheard some things in Max's office…"

I nod slowly.

"Okay. Well, you know where we'll be."

He nods a little bit and takes off towards his regular seat next to Shauna.

…

Tobias and I sit in silence as Zeke relays to us what he'd overhead between Max and Jeanine in Max's office.

The attack on abnegation is very real and it's happening.

We just don't know when.

"Jeanine…she wants control of the government." Zeke says pacing the room. "The only way to do that is to—"

"Overthrow abnegation." Tobias finishes for him.

Zeke nods.

"And I think…the reason Max is so chummy with her is because…I think they're going to need dauntless to do it."

"_What?" _I let out shock lacing my tone.

"It makes sense." Tobias says, nodding.

"Erudite doesn't have the man power. They're smart but they aren't soldiers."

Zeke nods.

"Exactly."

"How are they going to get everyone on board with that? It doesn't make any sense." I insist.

"I'm not going to go along with that. Neither Will Ellie, or Will or—"

"I know. I know that. That's why I think they're going to force it on us or…I don't know _make us_ somehow."

"This is insane!" I protest, standing up quickly. "They can't just take out an entire faction. This isn't just about divergents anymore."

"Tris." Tobias stands up and moves over to me his hands rubbing my shoulders.

"Calm down. We'll figure something out. Okay?"

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment.

Suddenly all the years my father spent spewing hate at Erudite makes sense to me now.

How could anyone support a faction like that?

_Caleb._

The thought enters into my brain for the first time and I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

"My brother." I say softly.

Tobias raises his eyebrows.

"What about him?"

"He's in erudite. Maybe I could go talk to him—"

"Tris, I don't think that's a good idea." Zeke cuts in. "They're watching you closely and you don't want to look like your being disloyal to your faction. If they catch you in erudite with your brother they're going to think you want out of dauntless."

"But what if he knows something? He could help us, I can't just _not_ try—"

"He's right, Tris. I don't want you that close to Jeanine either."

I let out frustrated sigh.

"Factions have visiting days. What if I went then?"

Tobias shakes his head.

"I still don't want you that close to Jeanine."

"So come with me." I plead.

Tobias looks at me for a second and then looks up at Zeke.

"Too dangerous?"

Zeke shakes his head.

"Not on visiting day. Everyone turns a blind eye on visiting day."

"Okay." Tobias nods. "We'll go and talk to him."

I let out a small sigh of relief.

"Thank you."

Zeke glances down at his watch.

"Tris, you better go. Eric was talking about possibly waking everyone up for war games tonight."

I roll my eyes.

"Lucky me. Okay." I turn to Tobias and he's already leaning in to kiss me. I wrap an arm around his neck and when our lips touch Zeke lets out an audible groan.

"You know, for two abnegation you two sure do that a lot."

When I pull away I notice that Tobias is grinning.

I let out a laugh and shake my head at Zeke before heading for the doorway.

Tobias grabs my hand before I can leave.

"Hey." He says quietly. "Be S—"

"Safe. Yeah. I know." I smile a little and make my way out of the room.

…

I know the dauntless compound so well by now that I really shouldn't mind the darkness so much but I still do.

The compound isn't well lit and something tells me the dauntless like it that way. Everything here feels like a test.

Maybe the darkness is there so that you are able to prove that it doesn't scare you.

Fear is not something the dauntless take pride in.

Still, there's something about not being able to see ten feet ahead of you that will always scare me just a little, no matter how dauntless I become.

The initiate dorms are not far, so I push my feet quickly to get out of the darkness.

I am only moments away from the dorm room when I feel a hand slip over my mouth and an arm wrap tightly around my stomach.

At first, I think it's a joke.

What else could it be?

Maybe Jack trying to pull a prank on me, it's exactly the type of thing he would do.

But the hand pressed against my mouth doesn't feel friendly or like a joke.

The touch is too intimate.

Panic settles into my stomach and then kicks into overdrive when I start being dragged.

That's when I start fighting, _hard. _

I twist and turn making it almost impossible for me to be dragged.

Almost.

I try to scream, but my voice is so easily muffled by the hand covering my lips that it all comes out as low mumbles and groans.

No one will hear me.

Not like this.

The panic kicks into high gear when I realize where exactly it is that I am being dragged.

The Chasm.

The hand disappears from my mouth and I let out a loud echoing scream before I'm slammed against the wall hard.

When I look up, I see my captor, dressed in all black, which I'd been expecting, with a mask covering his face.

I see movement out of my periphery vision and realize that another masked man is making his way towards me.

It's two against one now.

Officially, I'm screwed.

The other masked man reaches me and I open my mouth to scream again but he easily covers my mouth again.

"Shut up. No one's around to hear you anyway." He says in a dark voice that sounds familiar but I can't exactly place it.

It's then that I see glint of a knife out of the corner of my eye.

My eyes instantly pull towards the gleaming silver.

The other masked man holds the knife out towards me for a moment, taunting me.

He presses it against my neck lightly at first and then just a little bit harder.

The knife digs into my skin and releases a thin trickle of blood down my neck.

Then one of the men thrusts his hand up my T-shirt.

I can't breathe as he strokes along my stomach and then up higher.

Too high.

Bile rises in my throat.

I bring my knee up hard and make contact with his groin.

He let's go of me easily enough and lets out a loud groan.

"Bitch!"

Its an ample opportunity to run but I only have a few seconds before the other masked man grabs me and slams me back against the wall.

"We could've avoided all of this. All you had to do was try, Tris."

The voice.

I recognize it instantly.

My blood freezes as I reach out quickly and pull the mask off.

Al.

It's Al.

He doesn't even look terrified that I know it's him.

He takes pride in this.

He wants me to know.

He thinks I deserve this.

He takes his hand away from my mouth and leans in, probably to kiss me.

I turn my head fast.

"You're pathetic." I breathe.

He pulls me forward and then slams me against the wall for the second time.

This time, the back of my head makes contact with the stone behind me.

I can feel the warm blood start to trickle into my hair almost instantly.

"Shut up." He says in a quiet voice. "You're much more tolerable when you aren't speaking."

Then he thrusts his hands back up my t-shirt.

I let out another scream and Al laughs over me.

The other still masked man comes over to us quickly, watching Al's movements.

"At least show me your face coward!"

The other man pulls off his mask and I see clearly in the glow of the water from the chasm that it's Peter.

Peter.

I should've known.

"What are you going to do? Throw me over? What's the point?"

"The point…" Al says with a little grin. " …is that you don't belong here, and it's time to stop pretending."

Then he forces his lips against mine.

He's too heavy for me to push off and I know that just one wrong step will lead to me floating dead in the chasm.

I'm not ready for that.

So, what choice do I have?

None.

Except for one.

I let it happen.

I let his hands roam where they may, his lips press against what they choose while Peter watches.

All I can do is close my eyes and breathe.

The disgust I feel is unexplainable.

My hands are shaking but I refuse to cry.

Not in front of them, not like this.

It's only minutes but it feels like hours when Al finally has his fill of me.

He tosses me toward Peter.

I stumble; the wound on my head making causing me to be unsteady on my feet but Peter catches me easily.

"Alright. Get rid of her." Al says.

There is no remorse in his voice.

Peter wastes no time in dragging me to the very edge of the Chasm.

I can hear the water beating against the rocks like a drum.

"Goodbye Tris." He says with a sneer in his voice.

Then he pushes me over.

They say that before you die every important memory flashes before your eyes.

Flying down into the chasm, I find this to be untrue.

The only thing flashing through my brain is the thought of Tobias.

I _cannot_ leave him.

Not now that we've finally figured out that we can't live without each other.

That's when my hand makes contact with the rough edge of a rock and stops my fast free falling pace.

Regardless, the rock is slippery and my hand is wet.

I don't know how long the hold will last and my arm is already aching.

Realistically, I probably only bought myself a few moments.

"TRIS!"

I force my head up at the sound of my name and find myself looking up at Zeke.

_Zeke_.

I've never been so happy to see him in my life.

"ZEKE! Zeke, help!"

He disappears from view for just a moment and then returns with a rope.

He tosses it down to me and I manage to catch it with one hand.

"Come on Tris, you can do this!" He yells down to me.

I use the rope as leverage and start to climb.

It isn't easy and the rocks are so slippery that I slip a few times but sooner rather than later, Zeke is able to grab me.

He grabs me with both arms and lifts me easily up and onto safe ground.

For a few seconds I just lie there reveling in the fact that I am not lying at the bottom of the chasm right now, dead.

Then I hear the wailing sounds.

I sit up quickly and my eyes fall on a scene straight out of a dauntless horror story.

Tobias is standing over Al, his fist making contact with his face over and over again.

There is blood _everywhere_.

The walls.

The ground.

All over Tobias.

Peter is on the ground next to him not able to take his terrified eyes off of the scene in front of him.

I want to get up and at least try stop him but I can't gather one ounce of energy to do so.

Zeke however, isn't focused on Tobias, just me.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asks one hand moving to touch the back of my head.

I let out a cry of pain as he touches bleeding head wound Al had inflicted by slamming against the wall.

"Shit." He says in a low voice.

"I'm sorry. Hang on, Tris." He turns his head a little bit.

"Tobias—" He stops once he realizes what it is that is preoccupying Tobias.

Zeke jumps up quickly and grabs Tobias by the arms and pulls him back.

"Whoa, Stiff…calm down. Calm down. He's down. He's down. Breathe."

Tobias takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment.

When he opens them again they finally land on me, lying on the ground, drained of all energy.

"_Tris."_ He lets out in a voice that makes me want to do nothing but comfort him.

He moves over to me quickly and then kneels beside me, his eyes doing a silent inventory of my injuries.

"I'm so sorry. I should've walked you back…I didn't—" He shakes his head hard for a moment.

"I heard you scream and I just…I couldn't get here fast enough."

I look him over for a moment and then slowly shake my head.

"… You're covered in blood."

He looks down at his T-shirt for a moment and then his eyes take on a dark quality.

"I saw him touch you." He says in a low voice.

Now the primal anger makes sense.

"I'm okay." I say quietly but even as the words leave my mouth I'm starting to feel faint.

"…I think I just need to lie down."

Tobias looks at me, confusion written in his expression.

"You are lying down."

Then everything goes black.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: **

**Please never hesitate to tell me what you think in a review or on my tumblr in the askbox! **

**cordys-vision dot tumblr dot com**

**Tobias**

"What in the hell is going on here?"

My attention is so focused on Tris that when Eric's voice reaches us it takes a few moments for it to actually register.

Immediately, I know that I need to keep my head down and my face out of sight.

I can't be recognized.

Especially, tonight of all nights.

I keep my face down and staring at Tris.

Eric looks down at Al and Peter and steps over them to get closer to us.

"Zeke, you better start explaining and explain quick."

Zeke stands up slowly, his legs shaking.

"We need to get Tris to a medic." He says in an unsteady voice.

"We'll deal with that as soon as you tell me how this happened! Explain!"

"I'm afraid she has a concussion, Eric. We need to get her to a medic. Now." Zeke insists in a steadier voice than before.

Eric lets out a frustrated groan and looks down at me.

"Initiate, take the girl to the medic. Go."

I lift Tris easily in my arms, try to keep my head down without raising suspicion and start towards where I think the medical area is.

"Wrong way initiate." Eric says in a low voice.

I should really know the compound better by now but I'd never needed to see the medic.

I pause, take a deep breath, and start in the other direction but Eric stops me with a hand on my shoulder.

"Hold on. What's your name?" He asks.

I don't answer.

How can I?

The panic slides through me like ice.

"Your name, initiate!"

"Four." I mumble quickly and I feel Zeke take in a sharp breath beside me.

Eric narrows his eyes.

"_Four?_ Do you think I'm stupid? Is this a joke to you?"

"No, sir—"

"Peter!" Eric calls and Peter moves closer to us.

In the light, it's apparent that I'd inflicted much less damage on him than on Al.

"Take the girl to the medic." Eric says through his teeth.

Peter holds his hands out towards me but I don't move.

I don't release her.

I can't.

Not to Peter.

"Are you kidding?" I say my eyes, still on the floor.

"He just tried to _kill_ her and you think it's okay to let her go off with him? She'll never make it to the medic. He'll suffocate her before she gets there!"

"_Are you questioning my authority, initiate?" _Eric hisses and Zeke nudges my shoulder.

"Let her go. He won't hurt her now, not with three witnesses who know he was with her last. She needs the medic. It's okay. Let her go." He says quietly.

I know he's right, but I still go against everything in me when I hand her over to Peter.

He holds her easily enough as he starts his way down the hall.

I watch him until he disappears from view and even then it's impossible to take my eyes away from the place where he'd been.

"_Real _name initiate. Now. " Eric says as he turns towards me again.

"I'll tell you his real name."

My heart jumps into my throat at Al's voice.

All three of us turn and find ourselves looking at Al who is now stirring from the unconscious state I'd put him in.

He looks like hell.

He's bleeding from a cut on his forehead and a split lip.

His black eye is already forming quickly and I'm almost positive that there are more bruises forming in places covered by clothing.

"His name is Tobias Eaton."

Ice-cold hatred moves through my veins at Al's words.

"Why does that sound so familiar?" Eric questions.

"His dad's on the council. _In abnegation."_

Eric turns back towards me and I meet his eyes this time.

There is no use in hiding my face anymore.

"You're a long way away from abnegation, _Tobias_." Eric says, malice in his voice. He looks up at Zeke.

"Do you know him?"

Zeke shakes his head the tiniest amount.

Eric crosses his arms over his chest.

"You're telling me that this is your first encounter with the abnegation runaway?"

I let out a snort and Eric's attention is back on me.

"I'm not a runaway."

"I don't think I gave you permission to speak, Stiff." Eric sneers.

I roll my eyes a little but shut my mouth regardless.

"Zeke, you better start thinking in your best interest. If there is more going on here, tell me about it now."

Zeke exchanges a look with me for just a moment and I can feel my heart beating against my chest about a millions beats per minute.

He doesn't say anything before he turns back to Eric.

"I'm sorry. I wish I knew more, but I don't."

Al lets out a loud scoff.

"He's lying. He's been sneaking in here for years. Zeke's been in on it this whole time!"

It takes every ounce of self-control I have to keep from pouncing on Al and beating him even more senseless than I already have.

"Thank you Al." Eric says with a little grin. "You can go."

Al starts to stand up slowly and I lose all self-restraint.

"You've got to be kidding me! He just tried to—"

"Tobias." Zeke says in a strong voice, attempting to cut me off.

"No!" I say shaking my head hard, my eyes focused on Eric. "You have to do something! He would've killed her! She was _in_ the chasm! He _violated_ her and he was going to kill her for _no_ reason!"

The last part comes out in more of a growl than I'd intended.

"Al," Eric says steadily. "Get checked out by the medic and then get to bed."

Al doesn't waste time anytime in following direction.

"Bullshit!" I let out in a low guttural sound. "This is all bullshit!"

"Both of you." Eric says raising his eyebrows at us. "We're going to go up and have a little chat with Max and Jeanine."

Zeke shakes his head a little bit.

"Jeanine? What does she have to do with any of this? Neither of us are from Erudite."

Eric grins.

"You'll find that Jeanine has a lot of say in dauntless these days. Start walking." He says, pointing in the direction of Max's office.

Zeke and I exchange a look but we have no choice.

We are caught.

There's no turning back now.

So I follow Zeke down the hall towards Max's office.

…

Eric separates us as soon as possible.

As of right now, I haven't seen Zeke for hours.

I haven't seen anyone.

I have been sitting in Max's office alone, my legs curled up underneath me as I sit in a hard wooden chair and stare at the wall.

All I can think about is Tris.

I don't think I will ever forget the sound of her scream or the look of painful resignation when Al touched her the way he did.

I stand up quickly and start pacing, my hands moving through my hair quickly enough to pull some out along with its passage through.

I hate sitting here doing nothing while Tris is with a medic somewhere in the dauntless compound, probably in pain.

When the door finally creaks open, I fall back into my chair as a reflex.

Max enters the room first and takes his position behind his desk, feet spread apart and arms crossed over his chest.

Jeanine enters the room second, a calm smile on her face. She sits in the chair behind the desk across from me still with that calm smile on her face.

The fact that she is sitting in Max's chair and he is allowing it speaks volumes on what is happening here in dauntless.

Jeanine is the real leader.

Max just provides the brawn.

"Tobias, is it?" She says in an almost sickly sweet voice.

I shrug a little.

I don't want answer her questions.

I know who she is.

I know what she wants to do.

I have no respect for her.

Her smile widens even though I haven't responded to her original question.

"Tobias, I want you to know that you're safe here. We just want to help you."

I can't help but roll my eyes.

"I don't need any help."

Jeanine lets out a soft sigh.

"I'd have to disagree with you there, Tobias. You're quite far away from home and from what Eric tells me you've been coming here for years. I'd like to know why that is."

I shrug, turning my head a little so that I don't have to look at her.

"Tobias." She sighs, like my defiance is merely tiresome to her.

"I really need you to cooperate with me. If you don't cooperate with me, I can't help you and I'd really like to do that. Understand?"

"Quite frankly I'm not really sure why you're here. You're the erudite leader. You aren't _my_ faction leader."

She smiles for a moment.

"No. You're correct. I'm not your faction leader. We've called your father and he's on his way. In the meantime though, I'd like to talk to you."

I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in my chair.

"I don't really feel much like talking."

"Tobias." She pushes. "Is everything alright at home in abnegation?"

"Abnegation is grand." I say through my teeth.

"Oh? Then why is it that you find yourself in dauntless every other night?"

I shake my head a little but refuse to say anything else.

Max leans forward and whispers something into Jeanine's ear and she nods slowly reaching for some papers on the desk.

"You were courting a few years ago, weren't you?"

My heart leaps into my throat at her words.

I don't want any of this to lead back to her.

I shrug a little.

"Not really."

She nods a little bit.

"I remember because your father was concerned about the match…" She pulls up a paper and stares at it for a few moments then slowly puts it down to look at me.

"Beatrice Prior." She says softly.

"Andrew Prior's daughter. Also know as Tris. Dauntless transfer."

I shrug a little bit.

"I guess so. I really wouldn't know. Haven't spoken to her since she left abnegation."

She looks down at the table for a moment.

"Tobias, would you say that you come here for her?"

I shrug again.

"I'm not admitting that I come here at all."

"So tonight was a one time thing?"

I nod quickly.

"I see." Jeanine says nodding her head. "And why were you here tonight, Tobias?"

I stare at the ground.

"I don't know. I heard dauntless could be fun. Thought I'd check it out."

"…And you're aware that faction hopping isn't allowed?"

"Yes. I know that." I say quietly.

"…but you did it anyway?"

I shrug.

"I just wanted to see what it was like for myself."

"How did the altercation with Peter and Al come about?"

My jaw twitches at the mention of their names.

"I saw them attack a girl. I tried to help her."

"Did you know that girl was Beatrice Prior?"

"It was dark. It could've been anybody."

Jeanine lets out a tired sigh.

"Tobias, I _really _need you to start cooperating with me."

I shrug.

"I really need you to stop asking me stupid questions."

"Watch your mouth!" Max says stepping forward just a bit but Jeanine holds him back.

"No, no, Max. It's alright. I understand Tobias' frustration." Her smile has hardly faltered the entire conversation.

"Are you unhappy with your faction, Tobias?"

"No." I say quietly.

"I value honesty, Tobias. I'd appreciate it very much if you could try and be honest with me."

I let out a breath.

"I told you. I came here to see what it was like and I heard a girl scream so I helped her. That's all that happened. I don't know what else you want from me."

A hint of frustration flashes over her face but only lasts a moment before the door opens again and I hear the unmistakable voice of Marcus Eaton.

"Jeanine." He says quickly making his way towards the table, holding a hand out to shake hers without even looking at me.

"I apologize for any trouble or indiscretion my son has caused. I assure you nothing like this will ever happen again."

"Have a seat, Marcus." She says gesturing towards the chair next to me.

Marcus takes it easily.

I refuse to look at him.

"Do you know that your son has been sneaking in and out dauntless for almost three years now?"

I can feel Marcus' eyes on me but I still don't look at him.

"Tobias?" He questions.

I shrug my shoulders.

"There's no proof of that."

"He's right about that." Jeanine says in a cheery voice. "So we'll just focus on tonight. Tonight, Tobias got into an altercation with two dauntless members and they both sustained pretty critical injuries."

Marcus grabs my face and for the first time I'm forced to look at him.

He takes in the bruise on my cheek from where Al had managed to hit me once and the cut above my eye from the way a rock had slid across my eyebrow in the struggle.

Then he lets go of my face.

"It looks like he sustained some injuries himself, Jeanine."

She grins a little.

"You should see the other two."

"Fighting is not something the abnegation practice is it?"

Marcus shakes his head slowly.

"No. You know that as well as I do."

She nods.

"I'm just wondering where he learned to take on two trained dauntless like that."

"Adrenaline." I say quickly.

"Fascinating." She pauses for a moment and writes something down on one of the papers in front of her.

"I'm afraid that after the events of tonight I'm going to have to ban Tobias from the premises officially and permanently, including visiting days."

"Of course." Marcus says nodding his head.

"You can punish him however else you see fit for your faction."

Marcus stands quickly and bows just slightly to Jeanine.

"Thank you for giving me the opportunity to solve this problem for you."

She shrugs.

"If I were you Marcus, I would try and keep a better eye on your faction members, including your son."

He turns to me for a moment and then shakes his head slowly.

"Come Tobias." He says quietly and then disappears out of the office door.

It isn't a request.

It's a command.

I take a deep breath and stand up to follow him but Jeanine lets out a soft little cough that makes me turn around.

"Tobias? You should know that if we find you here again we won't send you back to abnegation with a slap on the wrist."

I shake my head a little bit.

"What will you do?"

She smiles for what feels like the hundredth time this conversation.

"If you can't abide by the faction rules, you might not get to have one at all."

I hear the threat for what it is.

Keep breaking rules and we'll make you factionless.

I don't say anything else before following my father out the door.

…

Marcus doesn't say anything to me on the way back to Abnegation.

He barely even looks at me, which on any other day would qualify for normal but I'd expected some yelling at least, some sort of rage, but there is nothing but the sound of the train on the tracks.

"Aren't you going to yell at me?" I say finally after a long period of silence. He lifts his head to look at me and then lets out a long sigh.

"Why should I yell at you? You're a man now, Tobias. You don't have to listen to what I say anymore. Not that you ever really did."

I shrug a little bit.

"True, but it isn't like you to hold back your opinions."

"Stay out of dauntless, Tobias."

"You know I can't do that." I say quietly.

Marcus closes his eyes.

"Because of Beatrice?"

I shake my head a little bit.

"Yes, but it's beyond that now. I have people there that I care about. I won't let them drown at the hands of Jeanine."

He stares at me for a moment and then nods slowly.

"What you're trying to do," He says slowly, "You can't do it within the confines of a faction. It's just not possible."

"So what am I supposed to do? I can't be the straight-laced abnegation man that you want me to be. I know too much."

He is silent then for a long time.

The air between us is heavy.

What more can either one of us say?

We arrive in abnegation quicker than I'd anticipated and it isn't until we reach the door of our house that I realize I can't be here.

I can't come back here to abnegation and live a normal abnegation life.

It was never in the cards for me.

I _can't_ be banned from dauntless.

I need to stop kidding myself.

Marcus reaches for the door and the words come rushing out before I can stop them.

"I can't go in there with you." I say, slightly out of breath.

He turns towards me for a moment, eyebrows raised.

"What?"

"I can't go in there with you." I repeat, shaking my head. "I'm sorry but I just…can't. I can't be abnegation anymore. I never really was."

Marcus stares at me for a moment and then crosses his arms over his chest.

"Would you like to know what your other options are so you don't have to stand around wondering what they are?" He asks calmly.

I shake my head, shrugging.

"There is no other option. Factionless. You'll be factionless."

The realization hits me right in the gut but I know that he's right.

Then I remember the one saving grace that I have out there.

My mother.

"Maybe that's what I'll have to do."

Marcus' jaw twitches.

"You're going to join forces with your mother."

"It's the only choice I have." I insist.

Marcus stares at me for a long time, like he's trying to memorize me.

Then he nods slowly.

"I can't stop you. If you don't want to be protected anymore there's nothing more I can do." He says quietly.

"I will tell you this. Don't ever put all of your trust in Evelyn Johnson. Remember who you are."

"Who I am?" I question but by the time the words are out of my mouth, he'd already disappeared into the house.

The house that I no longer belong to.

**Tris**

Cold hands feel their way through my T-shirt and touch the edge of my jeans before I wake up gasping for breath, hands clawing at my throat.

Air.

Air.

I need air and water.

"Hey, Hey…breathe." A soft voice says to the left of me and I follow directions best I can and take a few deep breaths.

Eventually the air flows freely again.

Then a cup of water is thrust into my hand.

I drink it all in a matter of minutes and then find myself looking up at Ellie.

"…Hi…" I say softly, surprised at how gravely my voice sounds.

"Thank you…" I mumble quietly.

She shrugs.

"No big deal. It seemed kind of urgent."

"Where am I?" I ask curiously, glancing around for a moment.

"The medic. You got pretty hurt."

"Hurt?"

Then it all comes rushing back to me.

Al.

Peter.

The Chasm.

_Tobias. _

I close my eyes and let the rushing memories consume for a few moments.

"Where's Zeke?"

Ellie lifts her shoulders in a shrug.

"Well, he's been demoted. They have him guarding the fence now. Al says it's because they don't want him anywhere near the computers."

_Al._

I don't like the way the sound of his name makes me cold everywhere.

"Do you know what happened to Stiff?" I ask quietly.

She shakes her head slowly.

"No. We haven't seen him."

"How long have I been in here?"

"A few days. You've been in and out of sleep mostly. The medic kept you on a sleep serum so that you'd heal better."

"What about initiation?"

Ellie sighs.

"Don't worry. You haven't missed much. Eric gave us the last couple of days off. Something about regrouping."

It makes sense.

He would have to bring someone else in to train the initiates.

I imagine that would take time.

"Tris?"

I look up at Ellie and take in her confused expression.

"I have to ask you something and I'm not sure how you're going to react."

I shake my head a little.

"What happened with you and Al that night?"

"I think that's a conversation you need to have with your brother."

She nods a little.

"I thought so too. That's why I spoke to him yesterday when they released him from here."

I stare at her waiting for her to continue.

"He said…He said that you two were getting back together and that you were kissing and then Stiff came out of nowhere and attacked him."

I let out a soft breath.

"That isn't what happened Ellie."

"So tell me what_ did_ happen, Tris."

I open mouth to start the story and realize quickly that I can't.

I can't tell her what happened.

I can't relive that.

That's when the tears pool at the bottom of my eyelids.

I shake my head hard.

"I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't."

She lets out a sigh.

"You're making this really hard on me, Tris. I can't be on your side if you can't tell me what happened."

"What?"

I feel like my whole world just got turned upside down.

"He's my brother." She says quietly. "I have to trust him. Especially when my best friend can't tell me anything about what happened. He's been really messed up lately, Tris. He cries all the time, he doesn't—"

She pauses and lets out a sigh.

"He really loves you."

I close my eyes and try my best not to vomit at her words.

"Get out."

"Tris—"

"No. Get out! You can believe him all you want but you have to get the _hell_ out of here."

She stares at me for a few moments and then shakes her head.

"So much for sisters, I guess." She mumbles before turning and slamming through the doors back out and into the compound.

I can't do anything but turn my head into the pillow and cry.


End file.
